Twenty-four

This summer, at the end of July, on what is very likely to be one of those remarkably hot, record setting days, I will turn twenty-four. As every passing birthday does, this will make me want to stop and look back over the years of my life and evaluate...what am I doing here? Where am I heading? What do I want?

The older I get, the scarier answering these questions get. What do I have to show for myself in the last twenty-four years of existence? What have I learned that I really value? Even more importantly what have I contributed to the Universe that saw a need for my existence all those years ago? It can be so easy to start comparing myself to others my own age and feel like I'm coming up short.
 In twenty-four years, I have completed grade school, middle school, high school, and several slow tries at college, which still proves to be steady going. I have competed and won countless competitions, picked up and excelled at numerous hobbies, mastered the saxophone then quit, worked several jobs that recognized in me strong potential for great leadership, read a million books, wrote a hundred different blogs, dreamed endless dreams, faced and conquered fears, and put off facing other fears I knew I wasn't ready for.
 I have fallen in love a handful of times, broken as many hearts as have broken my own, made promises I couldn't keep, made vows I didn't keep, gotten married and divorced in the span of a year, lost many friends and gained a few more closer friends.
 I've cried a sea of tears. I have laughed a symphony of joy. I have sang along to every song on the radio, poured my heart and soul into a Capella shower performance of my favorite love songs, shared thousands of meals with loved ones, and yearned for the impossible.
 I have spent my life getting to know the one person who will always be with me...myself. I know every ugly thing about myself I wish I could change but know I can't. I know all the wonderful things about me that I hope with all my heart outweigh the darkness that inevitably lives in all of us. I have learned secrets about myself; deep desires I didn't realize I had. Power and strength I didn't see before, the kind that only comes with age and experience. I have seen myself through situations that would turn hearts hard and shoulders cold and yet I remained soft and warm to those around me. At the same time, I have walked through agonizing circumstances that have left me with a more jaded perspective; a weary resolve to have a care for my heart, and a bitter-sweet acceptance that even those who love you best will let you down, hurt you, and break you.
 I have made enemies, and i have made life long friends I know will support me. I've seen a side to people I never knew existed even with years of friendship. I've found my weaknesses. I've accepted that there are people in my life I quite honestly couldn't do without, and I hope they feel the same.
 I have accepted that though I ask the questions, there may be no answer. There are zero certainties in life. Sometimes it has to be good enough to not know, because there are no other options. Promises are impossible things we make to soothe our own uncertainty about the future. The only real promise anyone can make and keep is to always try.

 No; I haven't accomplished a great deal of academia. I never lived a typical college kid life.  What I have done is, simply put, live. I have lived an incredible, messy, exhilarating life. I have very little figured out and put together. But every experience is hands on and larger than life for me.
 Ironically, I became a teacher; everyday is a new adventure, a new opportunity to create and foster an incredible learning environment that these little two to four year old kids want to be. That's the most incredible part of my adult life.

I can say with confidence that I know who I am. I am not something that can be written into a paragraph, neatly summed up in a few eloquent sentences. I am ME; I am messy, unpredictable humanity at its finest. Where I am heading has yet to be determined, because my life is an adventure and each day brings something new. And what I want? To enjoy the journey. And anything that might happen along the way.