BDD

     So I think I'm just going to jump right in today. I have some serious body image issues. During one of the many conversations I've held over it with my roommates and boyfriend one of my roommates brought up Body Dismorphic Disorder. So I googled it. Its a psychological disorder where the afflicted person obsesses over perceived imperfections in appearance. This sounded a lot like me, so I read through a list of common symptoms and found I have a large number of the symptoms.
     I knew this was a real problem a long time ago. I've never been happy with my body. I honestly think I'm fat but everyone around me says I'm such a small person. My primary obsession is with my tummy. I've always been sensitive about it. Its always looked too big to me. My weight gain a year ago sent me spiraling but even before that I felt fat.
     Let me put it into perspective. At my lowest weight ever, 109 pounds, I was still on a diet. I still felt like I had a noticeable pouch and I worked out furiously every day to make it go away. I'll be completely honest, I am so obsessed with my weight that I would and do skip meals entirely. I've made myself throw up before because I felt I had eaten too much. This is a very real problem for me that I haven't discussed with anyone in detail.
     And in the last year I've fought tooth and nail against my seemingly inevitable weight gain. I got up to 142 pounds and fell into a hard depression because of it. That's when I began skipping meals. I got down to 124, and decided to give myself a break from the scale obsession. And in the month I wasn't vigilante I got back up to 134. I feel enormous. I'm not comfortable in my own skin and I never have been. I have to start taking steps to address this. I try to talk about it with the people around me but I feel like everyone is sick of hearing about it. But it still eats at me.
  Its on my mind all day every day, just a constant stream of negative thoughts and trying hard to hide my tummy with the clothes I wear. I wear empire waist dresses and loose fitting t-shirts. I rarely wear anything form fitting.
  I want to see myself the way other people see me. I don't want the constant worry about my weight and shape and stomach. I want, for once, to be truly happy with my body.
  I think I'll take my moms advice and talk to my doctor about this. Maybe she can help me face these problems I'm having.

My Life is a Pill Organizer

Hello blog; its been a while. I don't remember what my last post was, and honestly I didn't look to see, so lets get up to speed.
I lived in Norman for a year or so with a significant other; we broke up last summer and now I've lived in Edmond for a little over a year. I have a new circle of people I interact with, a new significant other, though he's always been there in the background so it doesn't really feel new. While in Norman I finally braved facing a psychiatrist and got my diagnosis. Bipolar type two. Along with PTSD and some heavy anxiety. For the  last two years now I've been treating these issues. Most days I can cope  with it all but it's boiled down to my entire life revolving around a pill organizer and  all the medications I fill with it. Everything from my anti psychotic, to sleeping pills to pills that stop the nightmares...most nights. I've been going through the stages of grief, only I've been grieving for the person I could have been. Someone with no confidence issues. Someone who doesn't get a panic attack driving somewhere new. Someone who got out and explored her surroundings instead of the girl who stays home when she's not at work because it's easier than new experiences and opening up to new people. Someone who wasn't afraid of letting people in. Because to be honest, I can be a social butterfly but it's all an act. I'm actually terrified of letting anyone see who I really am because in my past that's been too much for a normal person to handle. I'm too much for most people to handle, and I hate that about myself. I hate all these things about myself. I can't seem to find a way to love the person I am, though life would be more enjoyable if I could. I know I need to reach a point of acceptance but that's hard to do, you know? I look at my boyfriend, and I envy his ability to genuinely love himself first and foremost. He's never struggled with image issues, and though he's a bit rough around the edges he lets people in. He doesn't dish himself out in moderation, he delivers it all or nothing. And most people choose all. I know I did, and the friends I have now did. How do you wake up every morning and love the person you see in the mirror? How do you find happiness in being yourself? For a long time I was in denial about any of this in myself. I've been depressed over these thoughts, and now I'm just angry. It's not fair. And it may sound like a pity party, or a pouting fit, but goddamnit it's not fair. I wish I didn't have to deal with this shit. I wish I could see myself in someone else's eyes for just one day. Am I as much of a mess to other people as I am to myself? I feel like I have to climb a mountain every day of my life and even when I reach the top I still feel low. Am I always going to be this way? I'll tell you what I see when I look in the mirror. I see pimples. I see fat. I see buck teeth. I see bags under my eyes. I see sadness. I'm sick and tired of seeing all this every morning when I wake up. I'm ready for it to change but I don't know where to start. All the negative thoughts overwhelm me and it's all I can see. And sure I can talk to my mom about all this and get some reassurance from her. And sure if I told my boyfriend any of this he'd tell me that's dumb and not true. But you know what? It doesn't change me. It doesn't change me tearing myself apart piece by piece. It doesn't change the fact that I'm broken. I'm terribly broken and I don't know if I'll ever be a real, whole person. I hope to God I will be one day. But something has to change for that to happen. Right now, I don't know how to relax. I don't know how to have fun. I pretend at it all, and it's getting harder and harder to keep it up. I'm broken and it's all I see. Logically I know that there are upsides to me. I'm good at my job. I love teaching pre-k. I can be funny and witty. sometimes I even feel pretty.
But those days are few in number. Most days lately I just feel restless and broken.
I'm scared. I'm scared I'll never learn to love myself the way other people love me. I'm scared of staying in one place for too long because what if everyone else wakes up and sees how broken I am? Nobody would want me around if they saw all the things I see. I don't know why it hasn't happened yet, but I feel haunted by the idea that it will. That everyone will leave me because I'm beyond repair.
And I'm just so sick of feeling like this. I thought getting the anti-depressant combined with everything else would make me a happier person. But I'm realizing it's going to take more than my pill organizer to make me whole. I need to talk to someone about all of this. I just can't find the words to explain it to anyone around me. I don't even try because who could understand it? I don't even understand it.
I'm so angry. Just...sick and tired and angry.
I want to be better than this. I have to believe I CAN be better than this. I need to find a way to accept myself as I am, to accept all my broken pieces and my flaws and the person they form. I have to find a way through these fears, or I'm going to be buried alive.
I started going to group therapy. I go again this Saturday. Maybe I can start there. Maybe someone there will understand what it's like to feel broken and helpless. Because I don't think anyone else can.
And the real kicker is, I don't know if I want to tell anyone around me that this is what's going on under the surface. I don't want to bother them with my personal issues. But maybe that's just me being afraid to let anyone close enough to tell them all this. I don't know how to begin to open up. Maybe that's what I'll talk about in group. I guess I have to start somewhere. I can't go on hating myself like this.

Twenty-four

This summer, at the end of July, on what is very likely to be one of those remarkably hot, record setting days, I will turn twenty-four. As every passing birthday does, this will make me want to stop and look back over the years of my life and evaluate...what am I doing here? Where am I heading? What do I want?

The older I get, the scarier answering these questions get. What do I have to show for myself in the last twenty-four years of existence? What have I learned that I really value? Even more importantly what have I contributed to the Universe that saw a need for my existence all those years ago? It can be so easy to start comparing myself to others my own age and feel like I'm coming up short.
 In twenty-four years, I have completed grade school, middle school, high school, and several slow tries at college, which still proves to be steady going. I have competed and won countless competitions, picked up and excelled at numerous hobbies, mastered the saxophone then quit, worked several jobs that recognized in me strong potential for great leadership, read a million books, wrote a hundred different blogs, dreamed endless dreams, faced and conquered fears, and put off facing other fears I knew I wasn't ready for.
 I have fallen in love a handful of times, broken as many hearts as have broken my own, made promises I couldn't keep, made vows I didn't keep, gotten married and divorced in the span of a year, lost many friends and gained a few more closer friends.
 I've cried a sea of tears. I have laughed a symphony of joy. I have sang along to every song on the radio, poured my heart and soul into a Capella shower performance of my favorite love songs, shared thousands of meals with loved ones, and yearned for the impossible.
 I have spent my life getting to know the one person who will always be with me...myself. I know every ugly thing about myself I wish I could change but know I can't. I know all the wonderful things about me that I hope with all my heart outweigh the darkness that inevitably lives in all of us. I have learned secrets about myself; deep desires I didn't realize I had. Power and strength I didn't see before, the kind that only comes with age and experience. I have seen myself through situations that would turn hearts hard and shoulders cold and yet I remained soft and warm to those around me. At the same time, I have walked through agonizing circumstances that have left me with a more jaded perspective; a weary resolve to have a care for my heart, and a bitter-sweet acceptance that even those who love you best will let you down, hurt you, and break you.
 I have made enemies, and i have made life long friends I know will support me. I've seen a side to people I never knew existed even with years of friendship. I've found my weaknesses. I've accepted that there are people in my life I quite honestly couldn't do without, and I hope they feel the same.
 I have accepted that though I ask the questions, there may be no answer. There are zero certainties in life. Sometimes it has to be good enough to not know, because there are no other options. Promises are impossible things we make to soothe our own uncertainty about the future. The only real promise anyone can make and keep is to always try.

 No; I haven't accomplished a great deal of academia. I never lived a typical college kid life.  What I have done is, simply put, live. I have lived an incredible, messy, exhilarating life. I have very little figured out and put together. But every experience is hands on and larger than life for me.
 Ironically, I became a teacher; everyday is a new adventure, a new opportunity to create and foster an incredible learning environment that these little two to four year old kids want to be. That's the most incredible part of my adult life.

I can say with confidence that I know who I am. I am not something that can be written into a paragraph, neatly summed up in a few eloquent sentences. I am ME; I am messy, unpredictable humanity at its finest. Where I am heading has yet to be determined, because my life is an adventure and each day brings something new. And what I want? To enjoy the journey. And anything that might happen along the way.

For Confidence

 In my life, there is no such thing as small troubles. When bad luck sets its sights on me, it does it in a big way; go through a bout of depression, separate from my husband, and then my grandpa dies. Need to find a new job, big family problems happen. I know bad things never happen one at a time for anyone, but c'mon, don't you get sick of it?? Start having conflicts at work, money and personal effects starts going missing from where I was living, and my car starts screwing up. The room mate ends up being psychotic, and tries to "ruin my life."That's the most recent; happened about three weeks ago now. After that, my self confidence took a hit. I started feeling jealous for no real reason. I was just insecure about everything. Thank God for my best friend: my boyfriend; and thank God for all my other wonderful friends who don't realize how they impact my self confidence everyday. I had a long conversation with my boyfriend, and I realized, thanks to him, that I always underestimate myself. I always expect the worst, and it makes me seem meek, and it puts limits in my own mind. I spend so much time subconsciously worrying over the littlest, most trivial things that I end up missing the bigger picture. And so, after we talked, I spent some serious time re-evaluating my outlook. And it clicked; just suddenly, it all clicked. All the amazing things other people see in me, I suddenly could see myself. I felt like the ugly duckling when he transformed into the beautiful swan. That magical moment with all the lights, and sparkles, where the hero is lifted into the air, spun around and BAM! Transformation. Ever since, my outlook has been different, the way I see myself is different. I woke, and realized EVERYTHING was different...and it feels so good!
 This blog is to act as a documentation of that. A reminder for myself on days when insecurity tries to come creeping back in unannounced and unwelcome. This is not to feed my ego. I'm not doing this out of a feeling of conceit. Everyone should know what their good qualities are, what sets them apart and makes them amazing. For those that are like me, and tend to lose sight of those qualities in themselves, writing out those qualities is a helpful move to stay motivated and confident. So, this is my list, to me from me, about the great things about Aubrey.


1. I am a fantastic actress. I have natural, raw talent for the stage, and I have a wide range of ability. I shine when I do rolls that make me the comedic relief. On stage I assume new confidence that is visible to the audience, in the way I move, look and speak.
2. I make people smile. I see the good inside of everyone, and make them more in tune to it. That's why people usually like me when they meet me.
3. I am friendly and approachable. I have excellent interpersonal skills which makes me excellent in interviews, and customer service jobs. I have a smile that reaches my eyes and people see it a mile away.
4. I am a Jill of all trades; there are a variety of skill sets I am fantastic at, including hair and nails, and making gorgeous boutique style bows.
5. I am a good writer; especially with blogs. I can write something with a target audience that will capture them and hold their attention until the last word. This is a quality that extends to conversation and story telling.
6. I always take a valuable lesson from hardships. I never go through a struggle without seeing the silver lining, and growing from it.
7. I am fantastic with children. I have a big heart, and a genuine attitude that kids can see and love in me; I connect to children in ways that nurture growth and positive attitudes in them.
8. I am genuine. When I care about someone, I really care. I want to know how their day was in detail, what made them happy, what upset them. I actually want to listen to how someones day really was.
9. I know myself; I know what I want in this life, what I need, and who I need to be a part of it. At almost 23, that is an accomplishment in itself.
10. I am beautiful. Not because I have a nice figure, though I do, or beautiful eyes, though I do, but because of all the other things, the inside things. The attitude things. I have value because I am me, and it is not dependent on anyone else, nor does it have to be compared to another. I am beautiful because I am myself.
11. I am dedicated, driven, energetic and a fast learner in any situation. This makes me incredibly hire-able. I will never be without work, because I am flexible and easily taught.
12. I have excellent fashion sense. I shop cheap, but the pieces I find are classic, cute, and will last me years.


These are all things about me that I need to remember; reminding myself of these traits daily is what will continue to promote positive growth in self confidence. It feels good to see all this in myself. And it might appear conceited but you know what? I deserve to feel this good all the time. We all do. So write a list to yourself! See where your self-confidence stands, and what you can do to improve it. Remember those things that set you apart, make you amazing. Self confidence is a beautiful thing, and we all deserve it.

Honesty

I need to get some stuff out in the (virtual) air. I need it out of my mind and off my chest.

 For starters, who in their right mind would think to marry someone they'd been dating barely five months? Let's say that hypothetically the relationship was progressing wonderfully without any hitches so far; would you really feel that marriage was the best route to go ahead and take? But let's say it was your first serious relationship after being *divorced.* Still think it's a great idea? Then excuse me for thinking you an idiot. Yeah, I'm talking about someone specific. My ex is engaged. To a girl he's dated for five months. Who he caught cheating on him a couple months ago. This girl, fyi, is still continuing to cheat on him. Who he fights with off and on. OH, and the topper? She's 17. Yup. I think he's lost his wits.
  Good grief, how dense can some people be??? He's gone so far down hill so fast, I can't help but be irritated with him. He knows better than all this garbage he's doing and saying. And this little girl, this child that he thinks is ready to commit, thinks he's cheating on her with *me* of all people??? How retarded. She's a dumb little girl with a lot of growing up to do. And he is a fool who should have done his growing up after we divorced.

I have never been more thankful for a relationship ending. There is nothing, in retrospect, that would have made staying with him worth it.

And he doesn't believe in God now either???? The guy who was raised in church and completely dedicated to bringing people to God? Wow. I've read some of the things he's written lately; he's completely sold out. He is such a child he couldn't hold on to his own personal beliefs all on his own. What a brat, what an absolute moron. Best of luck to you and that pitiful child you claim to love, Aaryn. You're going to need some serious luck to make anything come of THAT train wreck.

A Tribute to a New year

Oh, 2011, what to say about you? So much happened in this one year. My relationships have evolved, deepened, and proven their worth. Some, more so than others. Some relationships ended for the better. I've learned that it is easier said than done to forgive and forget; and that truly forgiving someone takes time, patience, and resolve. Sometimes, you can't find the forgiveness for someone that you were looking for. And that can be okay; because when you can't forgive someone, you can walk away. You can leave them in your past, block them from your present and look forward to your future. That is an equally remarkable feeling, I'm sure.
 I have found happiness. Sure, there are still things that stress me out, or get to me. But the joy I feel in living far outweighs the annoyances. I have my health; I have a good semester of school behind me, and the knowledge that all the semesters ahead for me will be even better. I've proven to myself that I can do things I once thought I wasn't cut out for. That's empowering, because now I really truly believe that the only thing that holds me back is myself. I feel like I've matured in many ways; I'm finally growing into myself and getting more and more comfortable with myself. For the first time, I really know who I am, or at least who I am becoming. I don't feel lost when I stand on my own, without an SO, a parent, anyone holding my hand. Now, I am just grateful for those people in my life who willingly step up and choose to stand by me.  When i was 19, I felt like I would drown on my own. Like no matter what I did, I would fail, and I would have no one there to pick me up. Of course, that isn't true, because we all have loved ones who would never let us fall on our faces and not even offer a helping hand. But at the time, I was terrified to do it on my own. To live alone, to go to school without anyone I knew, to drive myself places, to do anything at all on my own. I was still a kid, and I didn't know how to grow up. It's been three years, and that girl seems like a stranger. In ways, I feel more like the girl I was when I was 18; at 18 I was fearless, excited for life, and discovery. I was bright eyed and ambitious. Now at 22, I feel I've reclaimed that ambition, and that sense of excitement and desire for adventure. There is nothing to stop me from going as far as I want to go. And 2011, you helped me see this.

In my last three hours of 2011, I'm reflecting on the steps I've taken, and the accomplishments I've made.

I've found a way to adjust to the changes that have come to my relationship with my parents, and other relatives.

I've learned how to take care of myself. To really take care of myself.

I'm learning my limits with other people, and recognizing those boundaries. A person can only give so much of themselves, before it runs them dry.

I found forgiveness for my ex-husband. Sounds odd, right? Believe it or not, there were things I needed to forgive him for. There was a lot of pain he caused me, even before it all ended. I forgive him, and myself, mostly for being the children we were when we tried to do something so grown up. It is what it is, and it is part of who I am. I hope 2012 brings him real joy, and that he too can grow and discover who he really is.

 For another, I could not find forgiveness. Some people will take advantage of a forgiving nature, and she is that type. But I walked away. I stood up for myself, and I told her exactly what I needed to. That was all it took. Now she has no power in my life, and no access to it.

I found a man who I can really trust with everything. He's always been there for me, from the very beginning. And it feels so easy with him. I know that as long as we are together, he'll give every bit as much as I do. I'm with him because it's what we both want; there's no dependency; I don't need him to give me value anymore than he needs that from me. I am my own person, I am not defined by our relationship. And that's a great place to be in. I am excited to see the future we have together unfold, and comforted in knowing I'll always have my best friend.

I've learned more about people I once made assumptions about; I've gotten the chance to see their lives, and find a new kind of respect for them and what they deal with.

I've gotten closer to my boyfriend's parents, two incredibly remarkable people. They have such kind, generous hearts, and they have stepped up to help me in ways I never expected. I try to let them know every chance i get how grateful I am for all their kindness.

I've gotten an opportunity to step in and get closer to a good friend. You can't take something like that for granted, and I hope she knows that her friendship means so much to me!

I've made new friends, and they rock :) They're awesome, and we relate so well. It's great to know people like them!

I've had some serious shit to deal with this last year; but all of the things I have learned, all the things I have experienced....they make all the troubles worth it :) As do all the people who have been with me through this year.

So, as we say goodbye to the year 2011, I have to say, it could have been worse. I look forward to 2012, and all the adventure it comes with :)

Happy New Years everyone!

What Really Grinds my Gears; Revised

 Three days ago, on Sunday night, I sat down to write a blog. Scratch that, a vent. Today I got on to my blogger with the goal of finishing and posting that blog. I re-read what I had wrote. This blog was full of anger, confusion  and disgust; I said some pretty venomous things, and while I can't say I didn't mean those things, I can say that a few days to reflect on what upset me to begin with was for the best. There is a time and a place for all things; and some, should never be given a time or place to begin with. Like hateful things. Those things that leak anger and resentment into your day to day world. Those are things we have to learn to rise above and move past, because it can poison you when yo allow those things to control you in any way.
  Suffice it to say that in my adult life, many people have said some pretty nasty things about me, and made some very unfounded accusations. While the initial reaction may be to lash out in "righteous anger" that's not the way to deal with gossip and slander. All lashing out does is fuel their fire. The best way to retaliate is to do...nothing. For one, gossip dies out. For another, the best way to prove your character is over time. With time and a constant attitude, the people who spread the slander will see they have nothing to support it; nothing but hear say and assumptions.
 And in the days I reflected on what things were said about me, and dealt with my own reaction to them, I had to see that these things were said quite a ways back. And none of it has been repeated or spread any time recently. In a way, I feel satisfied with the knowledge that I have remained true in character, and have shown, simply by remaining constant, that I am not what some would accuse me to be.
  God works in his own time; and that's how I choose to feel about this. Yes, some very rude and uncalled for things were said and done in hopes of hurting me, in one way or another. But time has been on my side; not my time, but God's time; and I feel good about that.

 As a little example of this, I'll use my ex and the people we knew when we were together. My ex said some seriously nasty things about me; he did some pretty ugly things to hurt me too in the after math of our divorce. Rather than fueling his fire and burning myself, I said not a word. He vented, accused me of being crazy among other things, and no doubt he convinced some people of these things. People who didn't know me. I kept my peace. The only person i have ever told anything negative to is Brock, and that is because I would trust him with everything. And there is a good deal of negative I could have spread about him. But.....Of all the people we knew as a couple, who really knew me, I can't think of one who truly bought that I was the evil two headed monster I was made out to be. I've run in to several of them, and am even working for one. And they all know me; they know who I am at the core. And they still like me, and care about me. And I am thankful for that.

I've been fortunate in having a good up bringing, supportive family, a few close friends.....I'll always answer a question with honesty, even if you don't want to hear it. And I'll always love unconditionally. These are just a few things I am grateful for.

So tonight, instead of anger, I feel peace. And I forgive the people who have hurt me in the past, and in the future. Because I want to live my life without resentment. And if you hold a grudge all your life, you're destined for an early grave.