BDD

     So I think I'm just going to jump right in today. I have some serious body image issues. During one of the many conversations I've held over it with my roommates and boyfriend one of my roommates brought up Body Dismorphic Disorder. So I googled it. Its a psychological disorder where the afflicted person obsesses over perceived imperfections in appearance. This sounded a lot like me, so I read through a list of common symptoms and found I have a large number of the symptoms.
     I knew this was a real problem a long time ago. I've never been happy with my body. I honestly think I'm fat but everyone around me says I'm such a small person. My primary obsession is with my tummy. I've always been sensitive about it. Its always looked too big to me. My weight gain a year ago sent me spiraling but even before that I felt fat.
     Let me put it into perspective. At my lowest weight ever, 109 pounds, I was still on a diet. I still felt like I had a noticeable pouch and I worked out furiously every day to make it go away. I'll be completely honest, I am so obsessed with my weight that I would and do skip meals entirely. I've made myself throw up before because I felt I had eaten too much. This is a very real problem for me that I haven't discussed with anyone in detail.
     And in the last year I've fought tooth and nail against my seemingly inevitable weight gain. I got up to 142 pounds and fell into a hard depression because of it. That's when I began skipping meals. I got down to 124, and decided to give myself a break from the scale obsession. And in the month I wasn't vigilante I got back up to 134. I feel enormous. I'm not comfortable in my own skin and I never have been. I have to start taking steps to address this. I try to talk about it with the people around me but I feel like everyone is sick of hearing about it. But it still eats at me.
  Its on my mind all day every day, just a constant stream of negative thoughts and trying hard to hide my tummy with the clothes I wear. I wear empire waist dresses and loose fitting t-shirts. I rarely wear anything form fitting.
  I want to see myself the way other people see me. I don't want the constant worry about my weight and shape and stomach. I want, for once, to be truly happy with my body.
  I think I'll take my moms advice and talk to my doctor about this. Maybe she can help me face these problems I'm having.