Blank Walls

I don't know that I have words right now. Just the overwhelming sense of sadness; and a hardened sense or resignation. I love you, knowing who you are, where you come from, and the personal obstacles and difficulties you face daily. But I need you to help me understand. I'm no longer the little girl that believed you were infallible; I know you are not an omnipotent and perfect being. I'm a grown woman now, and I'm asking you, adult to adult, to please help me understand. Because my mind is not capable of comprehension or understanding this situation right now. It hurts; and it makes me afraid. I have to tell you these things, because if I don't it will be a like swallowing a razor blade. I hate to see you cry; I hate to think of you hurting. But this hurts me too. And I can't just take the word of every other adult around me. I have to know. I have to ask you to explain to me...why? How did this happen?? What events led to this?
  My biggest fear is losing you. I have nightmares about. I have had nightmares about losing you somehow ever since I was a child. I didn't tell you today, when I last saw you, when I last got to hug you, that the night before I had a repeating nightmare of losing you. I spent an hour crying the next night before bed, unable to shake a sense of foreboding that I was going to lose you before I was ready to. I thought it was silly of me; I'm grown now, I can't just call you in the middle of the night to make sure you aren't sick or in trouble because I had a bad dream. I can't curl up in bed and cuddle with you while you let me cry and tell me it's all okay, that you're fine.

Because you aren't. You aren't okay. And now, as an adult, I'm asking you to let me in and tell why you aren't okay.