Numb

There's so much going on...it's been so easy to forget how much is really happening until today. I hate seeing my dad broken. I hate hearing him cry. It kills the little girl in me. It makes me grow up a little more than I'm ready to every time it happens.Because when you're dad is hurting, who takes care of him? It's a difficult concept, thinking about who takes care of the person that always took care of you. And part of me felt, at one time, that it wasn't right that I should be facing this now when most kids don't have to consider it till they have grandchildren of their own. I felt so unprepared for it when it all first happened.
I now have to think in terms of how to take care of my parents. I am still not used to it.

I talked to my dad today. That's what brought this on. More trouble on the home front. We knew this would be a long road back in February when it all came to light.....but being prepared for a long walk is not enough to prepare you for having to carry others down that same path.
When i talked to him, I heard myself like a person standing on the outside looking in would hear me; I was calm, completely collected, completely factual. "Yes, this has been really hard on you. It's okay to feel the stress..you've been through a lot, but things are n your favor right now."

I'm not that person. I'm usually the emotional mess....and I guess I was, at first. Now I'm just...numb. I care...don't get me wrong, I really do. But I have nothing left to say about it. No tears left to shed over it. I want a certain outcome for my dad's sake, not mine. Because I don't need anything. My dad does. I have what I need in my life; I have support, and love. And in turn I have support and love to give. But I'm not their little girl anymore. I don't have tears for the difficult situation we're faced with. I am just tired, and ready for the resolution.

I wonder if people realize how much stress can force a girl to grow up in just five months? I doubt it.

I could be bitter about things; I could resent people for their ignorance of my family situation. But that's foolish, and unfair. Truth is, I don't think I'd lean on someone if they offered it right now. If I told someone everything going on, and they expected me to crack from the stress of it, i really seriously doubt I would. I don't feel all that emotionally invested anymore. The facts are what they are, and the outcome will be what it will be. I can't change that by being distraught and tearful.

Right now, I have to be the strong one. For my dad, for my siblings. No, I'm not alone. My older sister helps as much as she can. But I'm the closest to all this. So I have to bear the brunt of it.

Today, I feel tough as flint. Today, I'm numb to this.