Reflections of Me

 Today I've found my thoughts wandering across the idea of reflections frequently. At first it was silly, just me goofing around with Brock's niece Jayden. We were sitting in Brock's room at his parents house, and she kept leaning over looking in the mirror, saying "That's me!" After doing this several times, she pulled me over and said "Look, its you!" I told her no, that was just my reflection; I'm me. Then we laughed and she moved on to the next thing that grabbed her attention, as most seven year olds do.

But something about what I said stuck with me all day. It was just my reflection....

 I realize that my blogs are rarely insightful; I don't have the greatest writer's voice, I tend to trail off topic, and lose my concentration when writing. It's never professional, or tidy and precise. That used to bother me; but as I've grown up, I've realized it's a reflection of myself. I am not a tidy, professional, precise and direct person. I'm messy, emotional; sometimes I don't think things through all the way. I like to consider myself colorful; a little all over the place, like a piece of splatter art. The older I get, the more variety in color I see in myself.  I'm a silly woman, with big dreams, and I like to think I have a good heart. I've had my fair share of trouble. I've caused my fair share of pain and grief. There are things I've done I'm not proud of, and I try to believe that being able to admit where I went wrong makes me a better person.
I know there are people, more people than I even know of, who don't like me; people who think I'm horrible, or that they're better than me. I don't doubt there are people who gossip about me. But you know something? That's life.
The older you get, the more these things I've listed become true. Sadly, not everyone is your best friend just because you say hi like it used to be when we were children. It's a fact that there are those you will never understand, never really get along with.
As adults, we tend to pass judgment too quickly, speak before we think, act on an impulse. It's just the dirty facts of life.
I'm a kid at heart. I try to see the best in others; I hate that my feelings get hurt too easily, that I care about others more than I should. I'm nicer to people who have deliberately tried to hurt me than I should be, and I forgive people more easily than some think I should. Despite myself, I try to give everyone a second chance; sometimes multiple second chances. That's just me. I can't change that about myself, though i know I'd be better off if I could.

The ones who gossip about me, the ones who like to think they're better than me and drag my name through the mud, they don't realize these things about me. And there are a rare few who do, and turn a blind eye to what they know. But what they say is no reflection on me. It's a reflection on themselves. Just like every bad thing I say about someone is really a reflection on me, not them. Actions do speak louder than words; but what some people don't see is that its their own actions speaking about them; we tend to get overly focused on others actions. I'm just as guilty of this as the next person; and trust me, it is a poison to your soul. It clouds your sight, and you can miss the beautiful life you have around you because you become overly focused on someone else.

I guess the point I'm making is that sooner or later you have to decide what's really you, and what's just a reflection. At the end of the day you have to be able to look in the mirror and know the truths from the lies; what's just a reflection, and what's you.

So if you don't like me, for whatever reason, that is your call. Whether you get to know the real me, the human me, or not, doesn't change a thing about who I am.

It's taken just shy of twenty-two years for me to see myself, clear of the judgments from other people, and like myself. Really like who I am, and what I'm heading towards. And it's a freeing realization when you finally know, and I mean really know, that you are more than the reflection of others.

I'm me; messy, silly, colorful, dreamy me. And I love that. You can get to know me, and maybe I'll add something rich and colorful to your life. If you don't, I'll still be me. And that's all that matters.