Ambitious

Tonight, as I sit here too wide awake to find the rest I need, I find myself contemplating the word "Ambitious." Why? Maybe because I am on the brink of picking up where I left off with my education. They say it's harder to go back the older you get; whoever "they" is, "they" were on to something. To go back to college, or to go to college to begin with, requires ambition. It's easy to get caught up with the "real" world; working a full time job, paying bills, learning to make ends meet on your own. It's a whirlpool, and one that will quickly suck away at your time and energy. And for a lot of us, it can suck away our ambitiousness. Just to be perfectly clear while I talk about Ambition, I'm going to add in the definitions I found:

Ambitious
 1.Having Ambition; eagerly desirous of  achieving or obtaining success, power, wealth, a specific goal, etc.: ambitious students.
 2. showing or caused by ambition: an ambitious attempt to break the record.  
 3. strongly desirous: eager: ambitious of love or approval.  
 4. requiring exceptional effort, ability, etc.: an ambitious program for eliminating all slums.


 At this point in my life, I would say my ambitions line up more with the first of these definitions. I have a stronger than ever desire to prove myself, and to achieve the dreams I've had for most of my adult life. I'd say these ambitions solidified in myself around April, when I got involved with theater again. Doing that play, despite the smallness of the role, was an ambition. It was my desire, my strong desire, to get back into something I've always loved to do. And achieving that one small taste of success is what awakened in me an even bigger ambition: to go back to school, and to really do my absolute best.
   When I first went to college, I was eighteen, and fresh out of high school. My ambition at that time? Well, it lined up perfectly with the third definition. I was "strongly desirous" and eager for my family's approval. I spent all of my senior year convincing myself I had to go to college, it was the next step, it was what was expected of me, and my family would be disappointed in me if I told them what I really wanted was to wait a year, to move out on my own, but wait a year to go to school. I thought everyone would be disappointed in me if I told them that going to school was the last thing I really wanted. So, ambitious of their approval, I went. I moved in to the dorms, and started one of the worst academic years of my life. I did miserably, and I have the poor GPA left behind to remind me how poorly I really did. I met some truly wonderful, lovely and inspiring people that year. And I would not take back those relationships, however long they lasted or badly they ended, for anything. I learned a great deal about myself in that year and the ones that followed. But boy, did my academic life suffer.
  Ambition, and being ambitious, is a part of every aspect of life, in one definition or another. It goes hand in hand with drive. And as an adult, those are two things one must, must, must have in order to succeed.

 Tonight, I logged in to myECU, and I took a look at my GPA, and cumulative hours. Folks, let me tell you, it was a sad thing to see. I have my work cut out for me, but you know something? I really have an ambition to do this. As I prepare to go back, and redeem my misguided ambitions of the past, I feel that all of the definitions apply. Going back to school was caused by my ambition to achieve success and my desire to show everyone I am a brilliant young woman, with a lot to offer. But more than that, I want to prove to MYSELF that I am those things. Brilliant, intelligent, capable, and successful. Deep inside, I know I am. And now, I have a strong ambition to see it in myself. I can do this. I will make straight A's this year, and I will bring my GPA up. I will succeed and I am going to get my degree in psychology.

I am making this promise to myself. And I'm not going to let myself back down. It's time to put this drive and ambition to use. And my friends, you will see me achieve these goals. Like my mom has always told me,
"God gave you the best gift you could ever have asked for: a brilliant mind."