Almost a Year

 Today I can't help thinking about how fast a year can go by these days. To really stop and think about where  I was a year ago and where I am now is truly remarkable. Example:
Today's date is June 29, 2011
 I have a job I enjoy that provides me with benefits and a flexible work schedule. I'm enrolled for school in August to study something I've always loved, but had neglected till recently. I have good friends; the kind I know I can count on to be there for years to come, despite distance or frequency of visits. I have a boyfriend I know really knows me, and cares about me. I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to be with someone who loves you, not the image of you they have built up in their minds. My boyfriend was my best friend when I first moved away from home. He helped me deal with missing my family, with feeling alone. He gave me a solid friendship I could count on, and helped me meet new friends, genuine people with good hearts. We were both kids missing our homes back then. It was a comfort to both of us to have good friends in a new town.
 Today he still is my best friend. He knows me better than almost anyone, and we've been together for almost a year now. I love his family, and I'm glad I get to spend time with them. And I love him. In this world, you can't really ask for more. When almost everything comes with a price tag these days, you have to hold on to the free things you can find.
 I have a supportive family. I know I'll never be expected to be anything more than myself with my family, and despite any problems we've had or will have, I'm lucky to have a family that knows blood runs thicker than water.

June 29, 2010
 I had a job I loved, but it didn't offer benefits, and sucked the energy out of me by the end of everyday, even though I loved my boss and the kids I taught very much. I wasn't going to school and didn't have a foreseeable plan to go back. I was sick all the time, stressed to the max, and unappreciated. I didn't have a home of my own; just a back bedroom in someone else's house. I felt disconnected from my friends and family. I was unhappy. I had a husband who was more of a child than a partner, who expected me to do all the work, who didn't want to move out of his mommy and daddy's house, who didn't want to be responsible. He was in love with an image of me he had built up over the previous two years in his mind, and if ever a crack showed in this iconic image of me he had envisioned, then I was sick and twisted and something was clearly wrong with me, because what did I have to be stressed about? Life was supposed to be good. We were a "family".
   I was married a year ago today.
 I was married, and the most miserably unhappy person I knew. I had isolated all the people who really cared about me. I put on a shiny fake smile and pretended my way through the days, but at night, when I laid down sick, tired and alone, I cried. I cried myself to sleep from the sheer hopelessness of my life. I was in church two to three times a week, but I didn't feel God. I knew he was there, but I couldn't explain why I felt so far from him. I tried to talk to people around me about it, but found I couldn't without telling them how unhappy I was in my life. So I repressed it. I was too scared to tell anyone I had been wrong.

What followed in the months after isn't a pretty story. But it's been almost a year, and when I look back, I see the difference in myself and my life, and I am glad to say I survived it.
I survived depression, I survived slander and the hatred of others. And really, that's everyone.
We are all survivors. Survivors of our own situations. Overcomers of our own obstacles. Truly, there is nothing set before us that we can not overcome. And every time we can look back and say "Wow, that was almost a year ago" is another triumph. And I'll take that any day.

So where were you s year ago? What situations you felt were impossible have you survived? Think about, and take a minute to be thankful for it. Because those are the things that shape us into better, stronger people. Those situations will always show you what you can make of yourself in almost a year.

The Mirror Lies

 I hate nights like this. I hate feeling like this. The kind of night where I want to cover every mirror, reflective surface and scale with dark heavy sheets and bury myself in pillows, accompanied only by a box of tissues. I feel enormous on nights like this. I can't stand to look in the mirror because I know all I'll see is every little place where a pound or two has found it's way in; every little imperfection will appear ruddier and magnified by one hundred. I feel hungry; but I can't bring myself to eat or drink.
   My hair is too short, my jaw is too weak, I'm covered in pimples, my teeth look like something you'd find on Halloween. I have zero confidence on nights like this. Every other girl I see is much prettier; maybe everyone else will think so too. I don't even know why that matters; the logical part of me knows this is depression rearing it's ugly head once again. That these thoughts are just lies.
 When my depression pays a visit, the mirror lies. My every thought turns against me; I feel the inner battle rage once more. I can feel the wave rise higher, higher, and higher still. I try to brace myself with my only weapon: logic. Truth. I try to run away, to escape the shadow cast by the inevitable bout of depression bearing down on me. But in the end, I am helpless.
 So tonight, I just want to cry. Because five pounds feels more like a ton. Because a couple breakouts mar my every feature. Because my every thought is an enemy. And I am helpless to fight it off on my own.

On nights like these, the mirror lies.

And tonight, I need... I need a friend to help pull me out from under this crushing weight of self doubt and disgust.

Challenges, Changes, and Trolls

There are so many things going on in my life right now, and I really just need an outlet. I miss my mom. Everyday for the last week and a half something happens, and I just want to call my mom and talk for a while, or go down and just get a nice big hug. I've gotten so used to depending on her, that I am finding it a difficult transition now that she needs to depend on me. And at the same time, I just want her to know she can lean on me.
 I'm finding that these years of my life are a serious time of transition. One day I was just a teen, moving out of my parents house for the first time, with everything ahead of me. Life was a new exciting adventure. Then it's like I rolled out of bed the next day, and BAM, here I am, coming up on twenty-two, just now figuring out what I want to do with my life, no longer a wide eyed teen, but a full grown woman with a failed marriage and a string of other failures behind me. Some nights, nights like tonight, I feel older than I really am. Tonight I'd really love to just call my mom and hear her voice, always so able to reassure me, and soothe me.
 But since I can't, I try to remind myself of what my mom would say to me. She'd tell me to count my blessings. I have a family I love more than anything, who I know will support me. I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have are ones I know I can always count on. My boyfriend has been my closest friend since I moved out on my own, and I love him so much. I have a new job, and I'm finally getting a chance to do what I love: Act. I have so much to look forward. I just have to keep reminding myself of these things.

As for the other half of this blog....Trolls. GOOD GRIEF, why are there so many trolls? People I will never understand are the ones who have nothing better to do than try and get under someone else's skin. Stirring up drama, trying to get attention with their antics. I mean really? You shouldn't go to someone with a life crisis situation just to turn around and act like they're the ones being creepers. What's the point in dramatically deleting an account just to create a new one AND reactivate the one you went through and deleted??
It's insane behavior. And I am insane to think there will ever be different results to that kind of madness.
 So from now on I'm not going to waste my time. I have too much going on in my life to bother with trolls and their drama.

Just a Little Red Lipstick

 If a girl knows how to pamper herself, and enjoys spending a few hours doing so, does that make her vain? If I told you I plan out how I want to do my hair and make-up the night before, what would you think?

  I've been teased most of my life by friends and family for being a "Primper." My grandpa used to say that I only spent about fifteen minutes in the shower; the other hour or so was spent right in front of the mirror. At home, I would usually take my bath or shower last so that everyone else could get what they needed done. My cell phones, computers and cameras are filled with picture after picture of myself; and if you were to ask me or confront me about these behaviors, I wouldn't bat an eye. I feel no shame in my love of beauty rituals. Why should I?
  If the art to getting ahead in life is, at its core, confidence, then I find myself convinced that all women need just a little time each day devoted to pampering. I never feel more confident then after I've taken a hot bath, or exfoliated my face, or done my nails. When I put on my red lip stick, I'm transformed. It's that little touch of red lipstick that tells the world watch out! Here comes a strong, confident young woman who would rather stand out and be noticed than blend into the walls of the background.

  So, ladies, break out those pumps; spend a little more time trying something new with your make-up; try an at home recipe for a color lift, or a facial mask. Need one? I have several! I would like to see fewer girls with self esteem issues and more girls whose most noticeable trait is confidence.
 Women deserve to feel pretty. It doesn't make us vain or narcissistic to recognize our good features and to spend some time pampering ourselves. 

Blank Walls

I don't know that I have words right now. Just the overwhelming sense of sadness; and a hardened sense or resignation. I love you, knowing who you are, where you come from, and the personal obstacles and difficulties you face daily. But I need you to help me understand. I'm no longer the little girl that believed you were infallible; I know you are not an omnipotent and perfect being. I'm a grown woman now, and I'm asking you, adult to adult, to please help me understand. Because my mind is not capable of comprehension or understanding this situation right now. It hurts; and it makes me afraid. I have to tell you these things, because if I don't it will be a like swallowing a razor blade. I hate to see you cry; I hate to think of you hurting. But this hurts me too. And I can't just take the word of every other adult around me. I have to know. I have to ask you to explain to me...why? How did this happen?? What events led to this?
  My biggest fear is losing you. I have nightmares about. I have had nightmares about losing you somehow ever since I was a child. I didn't tell you today, when I last saw you, when I last got to hug you, that the night before I had a repeating nightmare of losing you. I spent an hour crying the next night before bed, unable to shake a sense of foreboding that I was going to lose you before I was ready to. I thought it was silly of me; I'm grown now, I can't just call you in the middle of the night to make sure you aren't sick or in trouble because I had a bad dream. I can't curl up in bed and cuddle with you while you let me cry and tell me it's all okay, that you're fine.

Because you aren't. You aren't okay. And now, as an adult, I'm asking you to let me in and tell why you aren't okay. 

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

 Today is Tuesday. December the seventh, two-thousand and ten. And Today is the worst day I've had in a VERY long time. I feel so bogged down and depressed today. In the short span of time that exists between Saturday the fourth of December and today, the seventh, I have lost two people near and dear to my heart. One was a good friend from high school. He was one of my first friends after I transfered to Seminole, and he always had a way to make me smile. He was wise beyond his years. And he loved God and held fast to his faith better than most of us I would think. He was like a brother to me my first awkward years of high school. And I regret not staying in better contact with him while he was still here. I still can't stop the tears when I talk about him. He was one hell of a guy. I missed a good friend's wedding because of it.
  Sunday morning, I woke up with some very angry wisdom teeth and a canker sore. I've been running a low fever off and on since Sunday night. So all of Monday I spent down and out, trying to get better. This morning, I woke up, and drove to Seminole to take my baby sister to a doctor's appointment, where reality dealt me a swift blow to the gut by reminding me that she's not so little anymore....after leaving the office, in much pain from feeling unwell, I arrived to my parents house only to get into a fight with my brother and realize that I had to go back to town because I forgot to get a doctors note for my sister. So we went back to town; ran some errands; and on the way home, I receive a call from my mom telling me my grandpa has taken a turn for the worse and is completely unresponsive. So when I got to my folks house again, to more fighting, I had a mini break down.

I went back to Ada. I went to my boyfriends, and I zoned out for a while. Then my dad calls. My grandpa passed away today.

Trials are meant to make a person stronger...fire forges stronger iron, yes? I hope so. I don't feel strong. I feel broken down and bone weary from it all. I just want to curl up somewhere and cry; for the loss of a friend; for the loss of my grandpa....I just feel like a good cry...or several..is in order.
 A wise man told me that it's not the test, but the result of the test and what you decide to make of yourself through it that matters. For tonight...I think I'll make myself some hot cocoa, and maybe cuddle a bit with my boyfriend.

Thanks for indulging my rant, everyone.  

This is Just a Tribute

Hello all! I hope your holiday has been as rewarding and fun as mine so far! I'm in a great mood; like really, really great! Soo, I think I'll make a quick run down of what I am thankful for this Thanksgiving Season.

1. My Family.
   I know that typically people say they are thankful for their families; so allow me to elaborate here just a bit. In the last year, I have been engaged, gotten married, struggled with raising a husband, struggled with having a hand in destroying a marriage, been diagnosed with manic depression, played musical medicines, and gotten divorced. That's a LOT to take in in under a year. But my family has been supportive and caring throughout. My parents intervened and saved me from myself when I was at my lowest points. They saw my needs and did everything they could to help me. I owe so much to them. My siblings, despite losing what was to them a brother, have been real troopers. My baby sister has, if anything, become more open with me and I am very thankful for the opportunity to be someone she can trust with all her secrets. My brother is, as always, my brother. We fight, sure. But when he saw me hurting, he was absolutely loyal to me and tried is very best to comfort me. I am also very grateful to have such an open, loving relationship with my mom and my dad. Especially my mom. I can honestly say she's one of my best friends. I'm lucky to have her and my dad, who will always let me sit in his lap and cry if I need to.

2. My close friends
   When all the crap hit the fan, and I felt alone, my true friends stepped up. I swear, I had people crawling out of the woodworks to make sure I was okay. In times of trial, you will always find who your real friends are; who's willing to stick it out as your friend, no matter how messed up you are, and who would rather just delete you from their lives and be done with it. I've got to admit, there were a few that really surprised me. But to see how many people loved me for me, despite it all, was overwhelming and comforting. It makes me feel so loved and it makes me shine to know that I can be me with these people. So many of them knew I was not being me for so long. And I am very thankful to have those kinds of friends.

3. My Boss
  Odd as it may sound, Monnie Smith is someone I am sincerely grateful to know and to have been able to work for. She's loved me like one of her own and been a second mom to me when I needed it most. I will never be able to repay her for all her kindness. She is a stellar boss, and a remarkable woman. I am truly blessed to know her, and many other women like her.
 4. My Boyfriend and his family
   Cheesy? Yes. Truthful? Definitely. My boyfriend was one of my closest friends for a very long time. He knows me inside and out, almost as well as my own mother. When I was going through the divorce, he was one of many friends that came out of nowhere to make sure I was okay. I can't thank him enough for all the really great advice and talks we had those few months of hell I had to go through. I respect him so much for the man he's become, and no matter what he will always be one of my very best friends. His mother was also an incredible friend to me for many years. She always had great advice and a friendly face when I really needed it, and she still is one of the coolest women I know. I'm very thankful for both those relationships.
 4. Annie Hooper
  Annie has been my best friend since we were fourteen. We have seen so many ups and downs, but we stayed close through it all. If I ever needed anyone to help me bury a body, it would be her. She knows me like she knows herself. And I'm thankful to be the sister she never had =) I love you Annie bo Nannie!!


I'm also very grateful for where I am in my life right now. I've been through some trials for sure, but I have a sense of who I am through it, and a sense of direction for my life. I can't wait to see where this road leads next!!! I'm finally enjoying the adventure that is my life. And I hope you all can say the same.