I May Not Know Much

A wolf can hide in sheep's skin. These days, it can be hard to spot the false coin from the real; but I can tell you one thing from experience, when someone speaks against your character, or tries to deface you as a person, it is best to turn the other cheek; Actions will always speak louder than words.

 There are a lot of things I can easily admit I don't know. I may not have the most education behind me; I may not be the most informed on current events, or fashion, or politics. I am okay with not knowing everything.

Some things I do know. I know my heart; I know who I am, what I stand for, and I want out of this life. I know that when someone asks me a direct question, I will give them an honest answer. That's how I was raised. I know I won't win over every heart in the world; I know there are many who will never like me, and others still who will spend their time defacing my character, and talking down about me. These are things I know, understand, and am okay with. "C'est le Vie." That's life. I know I have a good loving heart, honest intentions, and open mind, a forgiving nature, a sharp mind for learning, and a faith in God that has been put to the test and come out stronger every time. I know, also, that I am flawed. I am human, and prone to mistakes. I've made my fair share in this life, and I don't forget it.
 All of these things, I know about myself. And I am unwavering in my certainty that I know myself, as a woman, a spiritual being, and as a human full of emotion, passion and flaw.

 When someone speaks poorly of my character, when they pass snap judgments, or conspire about my doings, I won't lie. It hurts. And then, I remember something. I remember I was made for greater things than succumbing to gossips, and to liars. I have been fearfully and wonderfully made for something more than hiding my face because someone else tried to shame me. You can't *make* someone feel shame; that feeling rises as a response to an action. And I will CHOOSE to not feel shame where it is not warranted.

There are always going to be people who will talk badly about me; people who will always assume I'm just a liar and a cheat. A user. Let people assume what they want. They don't know me like I do, like my family and friends do. And that's enough for me.

Conflicted Sympathy

  Is it just me, or has this month been just insane?? It seems like every time I turn around, someone else has passed away, gotten sick, had surgery, or has found out they are having a baby. It's just one thing after another; it has me on my toes, wary of every corner or night time outing, because it just seems like this month has been so unlucky. Especially with deaths. And I don't mean to sound insensitive about it. It's just something I've noticed.

  What I find particularly difficult, though, is the feelings of empathy for all these people who are losing their loved ones. To be more direct, I've had a hard time with it today. My immediate reaction when I hear someone is passed is to extend my condolences to the family and friends left grieving. Losing someone is never easy; losing someone unexpectedly is even worse, because there's the pain of the loss combined with shock. And I feel overwhelming sympathy in such cases. The reason this has been so hard tonight, is because of a conflict with *who* has lost someone.
  It sounds awful to me that I have to reconsider extending my sympathy to someone because of who they are and how they have behaved towards me. I feel like it shouldn't be a factor in times of grief and today, it has most definitely become a factor.
 I feel I can't approach this person, even to tell them how sorry I am for their loss, because they have, time and time again, treated me with no respect. They have used and abused every extension of help, or offer of friendship, that I have ever given them. So to tell them how sorry I am to hear that they lost a loved one...seems like it would be unwelcome, and/or unappreciated. I hate that. Everyone deserves sympathy, kindness and prayer when they are hurting from the loss of a loved one....but how can a person offer those things to someone who clearly could care less about you yourself? =/ It's an inner battle to keep from sending even the shortest of messages......
 How sad it must be to know you've pushed away so many genuine people who wanted to be your friend, who would have been there for you in your times of need...how incredibly sad.

  I wish it were different; that we could get along, even enough for cordiality. But this person has proven time and again that they have no desire to be genuine with me.....and on principal, I cannot extend my sympathies.

This makes me feel like an awful person.....I was taught that you should over look things, when someone is hurting...with this person, I just..can't. Ah, but I guess life will go on. And so will I, as I always have.

Work Rant

  I don't usually talk a lot about my job, or the work I do. I especially try not to complain about it, even on days when it can be pretty annoying. I just know that it's not interesting to anyone outside Dollar General, and I don't like to bore anyone to tears with it (except for Brock). But tonight...tonight was rant worthy.

  Anyone who pays any attention at all the the posts I make everyday on Facebook knows that I am hoping to get promoted to third key holder with Dollar General, and have, or had, good reason to believe that I'd be getting this from the store I currently work at. All my managers have said I do wonderful at work, I always know what needs to be done, always get it done, I never complain and I never have a problem asking a question if I need to. I'd been told by one manager that I was being looked at and considered for the position a few months back. So, for the last month and a half or so, I've been at the store 90% of my time, working hard, doing more than the minimum that's required of me, and over all kicking butt at my job. The customers love me, my bosses love working with me, and very few, actually only one, of my co-workers don't get along with me. In short, I am doing everything I can to prove to my boss that I not only can handle the position, but that I deserve it.

 Now, I should make it clear that I don't work with the store manager all that much; maybe twice in three weeks of shifts will I actually work a full shift with her. I should also mention that she has a tendency to become preoccupied, and I often have to remind her of things, or wait until last minute to tell her.

That being said, we come to today. I went in to work at 4pm, and find myself working with the current third key holder. After clocking in, and cleaning up behind my register a bit, she asks me "Have you met the new lady?" New lady?? Hmm. So I tell her no, what new lady? "Oh, the new third key." I was almost sure I had heard her wrong. "New third key?" I ask. To which she replies, yeah. Oh you have got to be kidding me. That's all I could think. So after a second, I blurt out "Well I guess I'm going to be transferring then."
 I know, a rather rash response, but let me break this down. Two months ago, I asked my boss to consider me for any key holder positions that may open up; she said she would. Our assistant manager, who is my favorite to work with, just got promoted to store manager and was moved to his own store. So I knew she'd be looking to fill third key; I had thought she'd remember I wanted it, would interview me, and that would be that. But, for whatever reason, she instead brought in an older woman, who has no management experience, and has never worked with Dollar General before. The general idea is that she had worked in a store similar to it before; but it's clearly been a LOOOONG time since then considering the woman who is supposed to be management had no idea what a scanner gun was, or what it was for...you know, that gun thingy we cashiers sometimes use for bigger objects? Yeah...I have no idea why this woman, who is no more qualified and maybe even less qualified for this job, is strutting around calling herself the "New assistant."

So, I'm furious, and insulted, and confused. It's a slap in my face, after all the hard work I've put in, especially since all my managers, including store manager, have said I am one of the best workers they have. So I don't know why I was overlooked. Especially for this woman >.>

I promised myself months ago I'd transfer if I didn't get promoted, because working with my current manager on my schedule and stuff is such a hassle; every other week there's some problem. She'll schedule me on a day she knows I can't work, or a day I'm in class. She forgets when I tell her I have to be gone on certain days. She never tells me if my schedule changes. It's not worth it if she's going to overlook the hard work I put in for her and the company. It's not worth it at all if I'm not being appreciated. So, maybe I'll just transfer to the store I know I will be appreciated at. Even if I don't get third key there, at least I'd be encouraged and thanked for what I do.

End Rant.

Life: A Crash Course

Do you ever have days where you feel like you've been thrown into a crash course in life? Today is kind of one of those days.
 Growing up can be painful. Not physically, though I'm sure getting taller can't feel great (not that I would know =P) But more so an emotional and situational form of growing up. It's hard to see where the lines crossing in to adulthood lie, and it can take you by surprise when you suddenly find yourself past that line.

  I feel like that's happening to me. Not for the first time, of course. But then, who really "grows up" in one fell swoop? Not this girl, that's for sure. I'm finding myself in a new level of this whole growing up business; working, paying bills, budgeting, going to school, paying for school. It's all so grown up that sometimes I look at it all and wonder "When the hell did that happen?" Sometimes, I look in the mirror, and wonder when did I grow up When did I stop looking like a twig and start looking...like this? Not that I think I look bad =P Although I wish my skin would clear up all the way =( breakouts at 22 are no fun.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to a time where I only worked for spending money. I didn't have to worry about anything but twenty dollars for my gas tank and tips for snacks the next day at school.
Sometimes, I wish I could still be the child....and be able to know my parents will take care of everything.

But the fact is, I am 22. I am living away from home, and everyday I am learning new ways to provide for myself, and getting better at the things I've already had a crash course in.

It's sad to think there are people out there who never get past feeling that need to always be cared for; I'm not talking about people who have parents who can support them when they need it, or people who have emotional support, love and care, because we all need those things. I'm talking about people who out right refuse to grow up and learn to take care of themselves. People who have never payed a real bill, or had to make a real budget so they can afford to keep their homes, a tank full of gas and kitchen with food in it.

Sadly, some of these people will and do abuse our welfare system, and make it so that people who have worked hard all their lives and do need the help may one day have to pee in a cup just to get it; how degrading. It angers me to think of the state ever considering making people like my father do this so he can feed my siblings and my mother; just because someone out there is abusing our system. Abusing the offer of a helping hand. Taking and taking while never giving back.
And how many of us have encountered someone who abused our offers of help? Who took from us, but never returned the favors?

 There will always be people who are too afraid to do any real growing up. And, I pity them. As scary as it is knowing all the things I have to do on my own now, I pity them. They are sad people.

Growing up is a fascinating, terrifying, and exhilarating life experience. Don't run away from it just because it looks hard. We are born to grow up. So get out there, and take your own crash courses in life. I promise, when it's over, you won't regret it.

The Big Sister Syndrome

Yesterday, I called my mom. We talked a little while, catching up on the trivial things that happen in the lives of two grown women, when I mentioned something I still cannot wrap my mind around, something that really worried me. A very good friend made a decision that I felt, and still feel, was less than wise. She had asked me my thoughts and advice on this situation before she made up her mind, and I gave it to her with complete candor. I expressed to her all of my concerns, and pointed out several things that were logical reasons to take caution. But, in the end, she went the more risky route (and if you are reading this, friend, please know I love you, like a little sister, and I only want the best for you. Please don't take any offense, as what I'm about to talk about is not directed at you, it's just how I feel overall.) I told my mom how it frustrated me that my friend hadn't taken my advice after asking for it; especially because of the situation, and how I had no idea what she was thinking; it all seemed so sudden, and I couldn't see why my friend who was normally so level headed would do it. That's when my mom stopped me, and told me that I shouldn't spend all my energy worrying about my grown friends. She said I have the Big Sister Syndrome; always trying to direct my loved ones in the direction I saw was right for them. Well, this stopped me in my tracks. I had never thought of it that way.

 I grew up as the oldest despite being one of the middle children out of four. My sister is nine years older than me, and was grown during the majority of me and my other two siblings growing-up years. Both my parents were in school for a good portion of time while I was seven through thirteen. So, I spent a lot of my time watching my younger brother and sister. Four two years, while my mom was in grad school, I spent a few nights of the week being large and in charge at home. I was eleven; and on a couple nights I was in charge of having dinner ready, because my dad had night class. I am a bit of a neat freak, truly as a result of being my mothers daughter, and so I spent Fridays cleaning the house before my mom came home as well.
 I think playing such a vital role in helping my parents those two years altered me in a few ways; I grew up a little faster for it; and I took on a more protective, "second mother" attitude at home. That image I had of myself became ingrained in my personality. This became a problem right after my mom graduated and came back home; I was twelve going on thirteen, and I had gotten so used to being in charge of my siblings, that for the rest of my time at home my parents and I had constant arguments over me acting like a second mother; and my siblings resented me for it for years after I moved out. I can, thankfully, say that I've learned to control this aspect of my behavior. I try hard not to scold my siblings when they do something i think they shouldn't. Now that they are both growing up, Tyler going on 18 and Jessie just turned 16, I try my best to keep my mouth shut and let them do their own growing up. It is a constant battle with myself, but I bite my tongue because I love them, and they have to grow up in their own way.

  When you're an outsider looking in on a situation, it's easy to see things that someone close to it can't. It's also easy to think you know exactly what the person on the inside should do to best handle it. When someone doesn't take this advice, it gets under your skin....
 When you have a personality where you are constantly "protecting" one person or another, even just in your own mind, it becomes increasingly difficult to give the advice that you think is best for someone, and see them not take it. Call it bossiness, nosiness, maybe even stubbornness. But I think my mom hit the nail on the head when she called it Big Sister Syndrome.

All I can say, to any who have experienced this side of my personality, is that it's a work in progress for me. Every day, I see things that I feel I know the best route out of. It's hoe my mind has worked for so much of my life. But every time I catch myself thinking that way, I am trying to remember to let it go, and breathe. There are forces beyond me involved in everyone else's life; we all have to just sit back and breathe, and listen when a friend needs a pair of ears. Sometimes, that's the best thing a big sister can do: just listen.

This is My Space

I love having a blog, because it's my own personal little piece of the internet, that very few people ever visit; as such, I feel secure in venting here. And I have done so off and on since I first got this blog spot.
 My blog spot is not like Facebook; it's not a social network, where everyone I know has access to what I say, and where I have to monitor what I say because it is a social network. But here, I have free reign. I can talk about anything I want; I can talk about anything that bothers me, or creates stress in my life. In my psych class, we're learning about "the talking cure" regarding stress, mental illness, neurosis, etc,. It HELPS to vent. But a wise person will not post vents on networking sites where they can be taken offensively.
 There's a person whose blogs I've followed for a while; shes a really interesting person, and she always has cool things to talk about in her blogs; recently, a girl we both know has started showing how big of an immature, inconsiderate little prick she is; this person wrote a few blogs, did a little venting, but never mentioned the name of the girl, or really vented specifically about her, more so about situations. From what I could gather, this little girl, and I use that term because she is emotionally little and immature, has accused the a fore mentioned blogger of bullying her; something was clearly said to the blogger I follow, because not only did she clean out almost a month's worth of blogs (all which contained the vents regarding the situations with this little girl) but she also deleted her Facebook, which she had created for her own personal use to stay connected with her friends. Now, I understand she wants to give no more fuel to this little girls fire; and I understand the wisdom in saying nothing rather than stooping to another's level of behavior; but I think it is ridiculous that this little girl thinks she can just push people around and make wild, false accusations, just to get her way because she doesn't like when someone calls her out on who she really is. THAT is an unheard of level of childish behavior.

This girl, who has never lived on her own, never supported herself without help, who has taken advantage of every poor soul who ever cared about her, who is lazy and inconsiderate,  who has admitted to using people, especially men, to get what she wants just because she can, who claims to be mature beyond her twenty years, who lives vicariously through others, and has told me in person she is dependent, and cannot be without a man.....this girl needs a serious wake up call.
This girl needs to realize she doesn't even compare to the friends she pushed away. She is not the greatest thing in the world; nor is she the victim of truly tragic circumstances.

And, most of all, she needs to realize how truly pathetic she comes across. I really feel sorry for her. And, in the same coin, I don't. If she's a victim, it is of her own perception. Her life will never improve until she discovers her own self-identity, until she comes face to face with her own flaws and decides to work on them; she will never have greater life satisfaction until she stops playing the victim or martyr every time something happens that is not according to her plans.

And she needs to get it through her fat head that people have a right to vent about things that bother them. If she doesn't want to feel she's the cause, she needs to stop becoming the cause.

BAM. Yeah, I just wrote all that. Who's gonna stop me? The blog police? =P Good night, blog world.

New Beginnings!

 I've come to rely on the mantra "Life is what you make of it." It's pulled me through lots of situations that have, for the most part, felt very out of my hands. And sometimes, it just feels good to have that small sense of control. Really, that's what life is all about. Taking control of the situations you CAN take control of.

The way you think has a huge impact on your quality of living, and your life enjoyment.

Right before school started, I found out I wouldn't be able to get financial aid this semester. I was absolutely certain there was no way I'd go to school after all, and I felt I'd have to give up my dream, the one thing I had been working towards since the end of last semester. I went home thinking this way, talked to my parents about it, and put it out of mind for the night.

If I had continued thinking negatively, I'd have overlooked any options available to me, dropped the semester completely, and given up. Sounds bleak, right?

Instead, I woke up the next morning, looked over my finances, decided I could pay out of pocket, went to the school and dropped to part time instead of full time. I talked to my bosses, started pulling extra shifts, and hopefully, I'll be getting a raise and a promotion.
What changed in one night??

My outlook.

I have wanted to go back to school so badly for a while now. I finally have a direction and a degree plan, and I have actually gotten several classes I need for my degree plan out of the way already. Score!

Yes, my transcript is a sad thing to behold; no, I didn't start out with great promise as a college student. But,I know I will turn that around, starting this semester. I know I will get my degree, even if there are more semesters to come where I pay out of pocket. I know I have family who will help me as best they can, and support me, especially in getting my degree.And, I know that eventually my financial aid will come through, and I will go back to full time. I'll make it; I'm making it everyday. With positive, pro-active thoughts and goals.

So far, classes are great =) I get to take a class with Brock, in his last semester, on Tuesday's and Thursday's,  and I have one class noon on Wednesdays. I'm excelling at my job (not hard given some of the people I work with >.>) and my goal is to make straight A's this semester and get the third key holder position at work. How? I'm not going to tell myself I can't do it! I'm going to keep working hard, and keep proving myself...mostly to me =)

It's not the easiest way; it's certainly not ideal. But I feel good about where I am, and who I am. I can do this, one step at a time. Yayaya!