The Big Sister Syndrome

Yesterday, I called my mom. We talked a little while, catching up on the trivial things that happen in the lives of two grown women, when I mentioned something I still cannot wrap my mind around, something that really worried me. A very good friend made a decision that I felt, and still feel, was less than wise. She had asked me my thoughts and advice on this situation before she made up her mind, and I gave it to her with complete candor. I expressed to her all of my concerns, and pointed out several things that were logical reasons to take caution. But, in the end, she went the more risky route (and if you are reading this, friend, please know I love you, like a little sister, and I only want the best for you. Please don't take any offense, as what I'm about to talk about is not directed at you, it's just how I feel overall.) I told my mom how it frustrated me that my friend hadn't taken my advice after asking for it; especially because of the situation, and how I had no idea what she was thinking; it all seemed so sudden, and I couldn't see why my friend who was normally so level headed would do it. That's when my mom stopped me, and told me that I shouldn't spend all my energy worrying about my grown friends. She said I have the Big Sister Syndrome; always trying to direct my loved ones in the direction I saw was right for them. Well, this stopped me in my tracks. I had never thought of it that way.

 I grew up as the oldest despite being one of the middle children out of four. My sister is nine years older than me, and was grown during the majority of me and my other two siblings growing-up years. Both my parents were in school for a good portion of time while I was seven through thirteen. So, I spent a lot of my time watching my younger brother and sister. Four two years, while my mom was in grad school, I spent a few nights of the week being large and in charge at home. I was eleven; and on a couple nights I was in charge of having dinner ready, because my dad had night class. I am a bit of a neat freak, truly as a result of being my mothers daughter, and so I spent Fridays cleaning the house before my mom came home as well.
 I think playing such a vital role in helping my parents those two years altered me in a few ways; I grew up a little faster for it; and I took on a more protective, "second mother" attitude at home. That image I had of myself became ingrained in my personality. This became a problem right after my mom graduated and came back home; I was twelve going on thirteen, and I had gotten so used to being in charge of my siblings, that for the rest of my time at home my parents and I had constant arguments over me acting like a second mother; and my siblings resented me for it for years after I moved out. I can, thankfully, say that I've learned to control this aspect of my behavior. I try hard not to scold my siblings when they do something i think they shouldn't. Now that they are both growing up, Tyler going on 18 and Jessie just turned 16, I try my best to keep my mouth shut and let them do their own growing up. It is a constant battle with myself, but I bite my tongue because I love them, and they have to grow up in their own way.

  When you're an outsider looking in on a situation, it's easy to see things that someone close to it can't. It's also easy to think you know exactly what the person on the inside should do to best handle it. When someone doesn't take this advice, it gets under your skin....
 When you have a personality where you are constantly "protecting" one person or another, even just in your own mind, it becomes increasingly difficult to give the advice that you think is best for someone, and see them not take it. Call it bossiness, nosiness, maybe even stubbornness. But I think my mom hit the nail on the head when she called it Big Sister Syndrome.

All I can say, to any who have experienced this side of my personality, is that it's a work in progress for me. Every day, I see things that I feel I know the best route out of. It's hoe my mind has worked for so much of my life. But every time I catch myself thinking that way, I am trying to remember to let it go, and breathe. There are forces beyond me involved in everyone else's life; we all have to just sit back and breathe, and listen when a friend needs a pair of ears. Sometimes, that's the best thing a big sister can do: just listen.