A Tribute to a New year

Oh, 2011, what to say about you? So much happened in this one year. My relationships have evolved, deepened, and proven their worth. Some, more so than others. Some relationships ended for the better. I've learned that it is easier said than done to forgive and forget; and that truly forgiving someone takes time, patience, and resolve. Sometimes, you can't find the forgiveness for someone that you were looking for. And that can be okay; because when you can't forgive someone, you can walk away. You can leave them in your past, block them from your present and look forward to your future. That is an equally remarkable feeling, I'm sure.
 I have found happiness. Sure, there are still things that stress me out, or get to me. But the joy I feel in living far outweighs the annoyances. I have my health; I have a good semester of school behind me, and the knowledge that all the semesters ahead for me will be even better. I've proven to myself that I can do things I once thought I wasn't cut out for. That's empowering, because now I really truly believe that the only thing that holds me back is myself. I feel like I've matured in many ways; I'm finally growing into myself and getting more and more comfortable with myself. For the first time, I really know who I am, or at least who I am becoming. I don't feel lost when I stand on my own, without an SO, a parent, anyone holding my hand. Now, I am just grateful for those people in my life who willingly step up and choose to stand by me.  When i was 19, I felt like I would drown on my own. Like no matter what I did, I would fail, and I would have no one there to pick me up. Of course, that isn't true, because we all have loved ones who would never let us fall on our faces and not even offer a helping hand. But at the time, I was terrified to do it on my own. To live alone, to go to school without anyone I knew, to drive myself places, to do anything at all on my own. I was still a kid, and I didn't know how to grow up. It's been three years, and that girl seems like a stranger. In ways, I feel more like the girl I was when I was 18; at 18 I was fearless, excited for life, and discovery. I was bright eyed and ambitious. Now at 22, I feel I've reclaimed that ambition, and that sense of excitement and desire for adventure. There is nothing to stop me from going as far as I want to go. And 2011, you helped me see this.

In my last three hours of 2011, I'm reflecting on the steps I've taken, and the accomplishments I've made.

I've found a way to adjust to the changes that have come to my relationship with my parents, and other relatives.

I've learned how to take care of myself. To really take care of myself.

I'm learning my limits with other people, and recognizing those boundaries. A person can only give so much of themselves, before it runs them dry.

I found forgiveness for my ex-husband. Sounds odd, right? Believe it or not, there were things I needed to forgive him for. There was a lot of pain he caused me, even before it all ended. I forgive him, and myself, mostly for being the children we were when we tried to do something so grown up. It is what it is, and it is part of who I am. I hope 2012 brings him real joy, and that he too can grow and discover who he really is.

 For another, I could not find forgiveness. Some people will take advantage of a forgiving nature, and she is that type. But I walked away. I stood up for myself, and I told her exactly what I needed to. That was all it took. Now she has no power in my life, and no access to it.

I found a man who I can really trust with everything. He's always been there for me, from the very beginning. And it feels so easy with him. I know that as long as we are together, he'll give every bit as much as I do. I'm with him because it's what we both want; there's no dependency; I don't need him to give me value anymore than he needs that from me. I am my own person, I am not defined by our relationship. And that's a great place to be in. I am excited to see the future we have together unfold, and comforted in knowing I'll always have my best friend.

I've learned more about people I once made assumptions about; I've gotten the chance to see their lives, and find a new kind of respect for them and what they deal with.

I've gotten closer to my boyfriend's parents, two incredibly remarkable people. They have such kind, generous hearts, and they have stepped up to help me in ways I never expected. I try to let them know every chance i get how grateful I am for all their kindness.

I've gotten an opportunity to step in and get closer to a good friend. You can't take something like that for granted, and I hope she knows that her friendship means so much to me!

I've made new friends, and they rock :) They're awesome, and we relate so well. It's great to know people like them!

I've had some serious shit to deal with this last year; but all of the things I have learned, all the things I have experienced....they make all the troubles worth it :) As do all the people who have been with me through this year.

So, as we say goodbye to the year 2011, I have to say, it could have been worse. I look forward to 2012, and all the adventure it comes with :)

Happy New Years everyone!