Numb

There's so much going on...it's been so easy to forget how much is really happening until today. I hate seeing my dad broken. I hate hearing him cry. It kills the little girl in me. It makes me grow up a little more than I'm ready to every time it happens.Because when you're dad is hurting, who takes care of him? It's a difficult concept, thinking about who takes care of the person that always took care of you. And part of me felt, at one time, that it wasn't right that I should be facing this now when most kids don't have to consider it till they have grandchildren of their own. I felt so unprepared for it when it all first happened.
I now have to think in terms of how to take care of my parents. I am still not used to it.

I talked to my dad today. That's what brought this on. More trouble on the home front. We knew this would be a long road back in February when it all came to light.....but being prepared for a long walk is not enough to prepare you for having to carry others down that same path.
When i talked to him, I heard myself like a person standing on the outside looking in would hear me; I was calm, completely collected, completely factual. "Yes, this has been really hard on you. It's okay to feel the stress..you've been through a lot, but things are n your favor right now."

I'm not that person. I'm usually the emotional mess....and I guess I was, at first. Now I'm just...numb. I care...don't get me wrong, I really do. But I have nothing left to say about it. No tears left to shed over it. I want a certain outcome for my dad's sake, not mine. Because I don't need anything. My dad does. I have what I need in my life; I have support, and love. And in turn I have support and love to give. But I'm not their little girl anymore. I don't have tears for the difficult situation we're faced with. I am just tired, and ready for the resolution.

I wonder if people realize how much stress can force a girl to grow up in just five months? I doubt it.

I could be bitter about things; I could resent people for their ignorance of my family situation. But that's foolish, and unfair. Truth is, I don't think I'd lean on someone if they offered it right now. If I told someone everything going on, and they expected me to crack from the stress of it, i really seriously doubt I would. I don't feel all that emotionally invested anymore. The facts are what they are, and the outcome will be what it will be. I can't change that by being distraught and tearful.

Right now, I have to be the strong one. For my dad, for my siblings. No, I'm not alone. My older sister helps as much as she can. But I'm the closest to all this. So I have to bear the brunt of it.

Today, I feel tough as flint. Today, I'm numb to this.

Reflections of Me

 Today I've found my thoughts wandering across the idea of reflections frequently. At first it was silly, just me goofing around with Brock's niece Jayden. We were sitting in Brock's room at his parents house, and she kept leaning over looking in the mirror, saying "That's me!" After doing this several times, she pulled me over and said "Look, its you!" I told her no, that was just my reflection; I'm me. Then we laughed and she moved on to the next thing that grabbed her attention, as most seven year olds do.

But something about what I said stuck with me all day. It was just my reflection....

 I realize that my blogs are rarely insightful; I don't have the greatest writer's voice, I tend to trail off topic, and lose my concentration when writing. It's never professional, or tidy and precise. That used to bother me; but as I've grown up, I've realized it's a reflection of myself. I am not a tidy, professional, precise and direct person. I'm messy, emotional; sometimes I don't think things through all the way. I like to consider myself colorful; a little all over the place, like a piece of splatter art. The older I get, the more variety in color I see in myself.  I'm a silly woman, with big dreams, and I like to think I have a good heart. I've had my fair share of trouble. I've caused my fair share of pain and grief. There are things I've done I'm not proud of, and I try to believe that being able to admit where I went wrong makes me a better person.
I know there are people, more people than I even know of, who don't like me; people who think I'm horrible, or that they're better than me. I don't doubt there are people who gossip about me. But you know something? That's life.
The older you get, the more these things I've listed become true. Sadly, not everyone is your best friend just because you say hi like it used to be when we were children. It's a fact that there are those you will never understand, never really get along with.
As adults, we tend to pass judgment too quickly, speak before we think, act on an impulse. It's just the dirty facts of life.
I'm a kid at heart. I try to see the best in others; I hate that my feelings get hurt too easily, that I care about others more than I should. I'm nicer to people who have deliberately tried to hurt me than I should be, and I forgive people more easily than some think I should. Despite myself, I try to give everyone a second chance; sometimes multiple second chances. That's just me. I can't change that about myself, though i know I'd be better off if I could.

The ones who gossip about me, the ones who like to think they're better than me and drag my name through the mud, they don't realize these things about me. And there are a rare few who do, and turn a blind eye to what they know. But what they say is no reflection on me. It's a reflection on themselves. Just like every bad thing I say about someone is really a reflection on me, not them. Actions do speak louder than words; but what some people don't see is that its their own actions speaking about them; we tend to get overly focused on others actions. I'm just as guilty of this as the next person; and trust me, it is a poison to your soul. It clouds your sight, and you can miss the beautiful life you have around you because you become overly focused on someone else.

I guess the point I'm making is that sooner or later you have to decide what's really you, and what's just a reflection. At the end of the day you have to be able to look in the mirror and know the truths from the lies; what's just a reflection, and what's you.

So if you don't like me, for whatever reason, that is your call. Whether you get to know the real me, the human me, or not, doesn't change a thing about who I am.

It's taken just shy of twenty-two years for me to see myself, clear of the judgments from other people, and like myself. Really like who I am, and what I'm heading towards. And it's a freeing realization when you finally know, and I mean really know, that you are more than the reflection of others.

I'm me; messy, silly, colorful, dreamy me. And I love that. You can get to know me, and maybe I'll add something rich and colorful to your life. If you don't, I'll still be me. And that's all that matters.

Desperate

So, a lot has happened in the last few months, and it's got me thinking about how human behavior is affected in tight or desperate situations. I guess I started thinking about it when I watched "I Saw the Devil" a while back. In that movie, there's this man who is a serial killer. In the opening he victimizes a police chief's daughter. As the plot unfolds, vigilante justice is sought out, and the serial killer becomes increasingly rash and desperate. Soon, he's just shooting people to do it; because he knows he's going to get caught.

How many of us know people who are to some degree like this? Becoming reckless in their actions if they know they're going to be caught in a lie? I think we all know someone.
Have you ever thought about all the things that change the way we think or act? It's amazing, really. For instance, fear has such a huge impact on the human mind. It changes perspective; it changes rational.
There are things people would never do under normal circumstances that become, in their mind, the only solution when they're scared. I can say I've done this in my life; I think we can all admit to a time when we've acted foolishly because we feel we're backed in to a corner and can't clearly see any way out.

And there are a number of other things that lead to wild, irrational behavior; anything from fear, to stress, to anger. And I really find it fascinating trying to pick through the actions to try and find the catalyst, the root of the issue. Maybe that's why I love studying psychology and sociology so much.  

Thanks for letting me share my little blurb here =) Sometimes I just need to unravel my thoughts ^.^ I think I'll do a little research now, haha.

Sweet Emotion

So, I rarely write a blog just to brag on someone. I haven't been the 'super mushy' type in my current relationship. My boyfriend knows how I feel about him, and there is no pressure to be super mushy, or a need to go on and on about "my boyfriend" this and "my boyfriend" that.
That being said, everyone deserves to be bragged on every now and then. So, what I am about to do is a first...I'm going to write a blog about my boyfriend, Brock =)

Today is the fourth of July, a significant date in the history of America. I love the fourth; watching big beautiful fireworks going off against as clear night sky, good company and the smell of grilled burgers. It is, despite the heat, what I look forward to the most in the holiday list.
Tonight, my boyfriend made July 4, 2011 a night I'll always remember. After eating a little dinner together, something we do often enough, he took me up to the campus of ECU. We walked around a little, he with his camera out and aimed, taking pictures of the sunset and other things that caught his artist's eye. We've also done this before, and while I enjoyed it, it felt like an ordinary night with him.
 As the sun finally setting, we walked around by the old band room elevator. It was beautiful. The sky was clear, there was a cool breeze from the incoming storms, and slowly we could see various fireworks displays beginning. Holding my hand, he mentioned that it's be nice if we could get up on the roof...
So he led me over to the cafo doors, led me in, and out on to the little catwalk that connects Briles hall and the cafeteria where we climbed on to the roof!!!
I had never been up there. But suffice it to say, it was very romantic.

We walked back to his apartment, hand in hand, with a beautiful finale display of fireworks going off overhead. It was the most perfect fourth I've had in my life.

As I said, I don't usually do blogs like this. But my boyfriend is amazing, and he deserves to be bragged on a little ;) Happy 4th, everyone!

Almost a Year

 Today I can't help thinking about how fast a year can go by these days. To really stop and think about where  I was a year ago and where I am now is truly remarkable. Example:
Today's date is June 29, 2011
 I have a job I enjoy that provides me with benefits and a flexible work schedule. I'm enrolled for school in August to study something I've always loved, but had neglected till recently. I have good friends; the kind I know I can count on to be there for years to come, despite distance or frequency of visits. I have a boyfriend I know really knows me, and cares about me. I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to be with someone who loves you, not the image of you they have built up in their minds. My boyfriend was my best friend when I first moved away from home. He helped me deal with missing my family, with feeling alone. He gave me a solid friendship I could count on, and helped me meet new friends, genuine people with good hearts. We were both kids missing our homes back then. It was a comfort to both of us to have good friends in a new town.
 Today he still is my best friend. He knows me better than almost anyone, and we've been together for almost a year now. I love his family, and I'm glad I get to spend time with them. And I love him. In this world, you can't really ask for more. When almost everything comes with a price tag these days, you have to hold on to the free things you can find.
 I have a supportive family. I know I'll never be expected to be anything more than myself with my family, and despite any problems we've had or will have, I'm lucky to have a family that knows blood runs thicker than water.

June 29, 2010
 I had a job I loved, but it didn't offer benefits, and sucked the energy out of me by the end of everyday, even though I loved my boss and the kids I taught very much. I wasn't going to school and didn't have a foreseeable plan to go back. I was sick all the time, stressed to the max, and unappreciated. I didn't have a home of my own; just a back bedroom in someone else's house. I felt disconnected from my friends and family. I was unhappy. I had a husband who was more of a child than a partner, who expected me to do all the work, who didn't want to move out of his mommy and daddy's house, who didn't want to be responsible. He was in love with an image of me he had built up over the previous two years in his mind, and if ever a crack showed in this iconic image of me he had envisioned, then I was sick and twisted and something was clearly wrong with me, because what did I have to be stressed about? Life was supposed to be good. We were a "family".
   I was married a year ago today.
 I was married, and the most miserably unhappy person I knew. I had isolated all the people who really cared about me. I put on a shiny fake smile and pretended my way through the days, but at night, when I laid down sick, tired and alone, I cried. I cried myself to sleep from the sheer hopelessness of my life. I was in church two to three times a week, but I didn't feel God. I knew he was there, but I couldn't explain why I felt so far from him. I tried to talk to people around me about it, but found I couldn't without telling them how unhappy I was in my life. So I repressed it. I was too scared to tell anyone I had been wrong.

What followed in the months after isn't a pretty story. But it's been almost a year, and when I look back, I see the difference in myself and my life, and I am glad to say I survived it.
I survived depression, I survived slander and the hatred of others. And really, that's everyone.
We are all survivors. Survivors of our own situations. Overcomers of our own obstacles. Truly, there is nothing set before us that we can not overcome. And every time we can look back and say "Wow, that was almost a year ago" is another triumph. And I'll take that any day.

So where were you s year ago? What situations you felt were impossible have you survived? Think about, and take a minute to be thankful for it. Because those are the things that shape us into better, stronger people. Those situations will always show you what you can make of yourself in almost a year.

The Mirror Lies

 I hate nights like this. I hate feeling like this. The kind of night where I want to cover every mirror, reflective surface and scale with dark heavy sheets and bury myself in pillows, accompanied only by a box of tissues. I feel enormous on nights like this. I can't stand to look in the mirror because I know all I'll see is every little place where a pound or two has found it's way in; every little imperfection will appear ruddier and magnified by one hundred. I feel hungry; but I can't bring myself to eat or drink.
   My hair is too short, my jaw is too weak, I'm covered in pimples, my teeth look like something you'd find on Halloween. I have zero confidence on nights like this. Every other girl I see is much prettier; maybe everyone else will think so too. I don't even know why that matters; the logical part of me knows this is depression rearing it's ugly head once again. That these thoughts are just lies.
 When my depression pays a visit, the mirror lies. My every thought turns against me; I feel the inner battle rage once more. I can feel the wave rise higher, higher, and higher still. I try to brace myself with my only weapon: logic. Truth. I try to run away, to escape the shadow cast by the inevitable bout of depression bearing down on me. But in the end, I am helpless.
 So tonight, I just want to cry. Because five pounds feels more like a ton. Because a couple breakouts mar my every feature. Because my every thought is an enemy. And I am helpless to fight it off on my own.

On nights like these, the mirror lies.

And tonight, I need... I need a friend to help pull me out from under this crushing weight of self doubt and disgust.

Challenges, Changes, and Trolls

There are so many things going on in my life right now, and I really just need an outlet. I miss my mom. Everyday for the last week and a half something happens, and I just want to call my mom and talk for a while, or go down and just get a nice big hug. I've gotten so used to depending on her, that I am finding it a difficult transition now that she needs to depend on me. And at the same time, I just want her to know she can lean on me.
 I'm finding that these years of my life are a serious time of transition. One day I was just a teen, moving out of my parents house for the first time, with everything ahead of me. Life was a new exciting adventure. Then it's like I rolled out of bed the next day, and BAM, here I am, coming up on twenty-two, just now figuring out what I want to do with my life, no longer a wide eyed teen, but a full grown woman with a failed marriage and a string of other failures behind me. Some nights, nights like tonight, I feel older than I really am. Tonight I'd really love to just call my mom and hear her voice, always so able to reassure me, and soothe me.
 But since I can't, I try to remind myself of what my mom would say to me. She'd tell me to count my blessings. I have a family I love more than anything, who I know will support me. I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have are ones I know I can always count on. My boyfriend has been my closest friend since I moved out on my own, and I love him so much. I have a new job, and I'm finally getting a chance to do what I love: Act. I have so much to look forward. I just have to keep reminding myself of these things.

As for the other half of this blog....Trolls. GOOD GRIEF, why are there so many trolls? People I will never understand are the ones who have nothing better to do than try and get under someone else's skin. Stirring up drama, trying to get attention with their antics. I mean really? You shouldn't go to someone with a life crisis situation just to turn around and act like they're the ones being creepers. What's the point in dramatically deleting an account just to create a new one AND reactivate the one you went through and deleted??
It's insane behavior. And I am insane to think there will ever be different results to that kind of madness.
 So from now on I'm not going to waste my time. I have too much going on in my life to bother with trolls and their drama.