Work Rant

  I don't usually talk a lot about my job, or the work I do. I especially try not to complain about it, even on days when it can be pretty annoying. I just know that it's not interesting to anyone outside Dollar General, and I don't like to bore anyone to tears with it (except for Brock). But tonight...tonight was rant worthy.

  Anyone who pays any attention at all the the posts I make everyday on Facebook knows that I am hoping to get promoted to third key holder with Dollar General, and have, or had, good reason to believe that I'd be getting this from the store I currently work at. All my managers have said I do wonderful at work, I always know what needs to be done, always get it done, I never complain and I never have a problem asking a question if I need to. I'd been told by one manager that I was being looked at and considered for the position a few months back. So, for the last month and a half or so, I've been at the store 90% of my time, working hard, doing more than the minimum that's required of me, and over all kicking butt at my job. The customers love me, my bosses love working with me, and very few, actually only one, of my co-workers don't get along with me. In short, I am doing everything I can to prove to my boss that I not only can handle the position, but that I deserve it.

 Now, I should make it clear that I don't work with the store manager all that much; maybe twice in three weeks of shifts will I actually work a full shift with her. I should also mention that she has a tendency to become preoccupied, and I often have to remind her of things, or wait until last minute to tell her.

That being said, we come to today. I went in to work at 4pm, and find myself working with the current third key holder. After clocking in, and cleaning up behind my register a bit, she asks me "Have you met the new lady?" New lady?? Hmm. So I tell her no, what new lady? "Oh, the new third key." I was almost sure I had heard her wrong. "New third key?" I ask. To which she replies, yeah. Oh you have got to be kidding me. That's all I could think. So after a second, I blurt out "Well I guess I'm going to be transferring then."
 I know, a rather rash response, but let me break this down. Two months ago, I asked my boss to consider me for any key holder positions that may open up; she said she would. Our assistant manager, who is my favorite to work with, just got promoted to store manager and was moved to his own store. So I knew she'd be looking to fill third key; I had thought she'd remember I wanted it, would interview me, and that would be that. But, for whatever reason, she instead brought in an older woman, who has no management experience, and has never worked with Dollar General before. The general idea is that she had worked in a store similar to it before; but it's clearly been a LOOOONG time since then considering the woman who is supposed to be management had no idea what a scanner gun was, or what it was for...you know, that gun thingy we cashiers sometimes use for bigger objects? Yeah...I have no idea why this woman, who is no more qualified and maybe even less qualified for this job, is strutting around calling herself the "New assistant."

So, I'm furious, and insulted, and confused. It's a slap in my face, after all the hard work I've put in, especially since all my managers, including store manager, have said I am one of the best workers they have. So I don't know why I was overlooked. Especially for this woman >.>

I promised myself months ago I'd transfer if I didn't get promoted, because working with my current manager on my schedule and stuff is such a hassle; every other week there's some problem. She'll schedule me on a day she knows I can't work, or a day I'm in class. She forgets when I tell her I have to be gone on certain days. She never tells me if my schedule changes. It's not worth it if she's going to overlook the hard work I put in for her and the company. It's not worth it at all if I'm not being appreciated. So, maybe I'll just transfer to the store I know I will be appreciated at. Even if I don't get third key there, at least I'd be encouraged and thanked for what I do.

End Rant.

Life: A Crash Course

Do you ever have days where you feel like you've been thrown into a crash course in life? Today is kind of one of those days.
 Growing up can be painful. Not physically, though I'm sure getting taller can't feel great (not that I would know =P) But more so an emotional and situational form of growing up. It's hard to see where the lines crossing in to adulthood lie, and it can take you by surprise when you suddenly find yourself past that line.

  I feel like that's happening to me. Not for the first time, of course. But then, who really "grows up" in one fell swoop? Not this girl, that's for sure. I'm finding myself in a new level of this whole growing up business; working, paying bills, budgeting, going to school, paying for school. It's all so grown up that sometimes I look at it all and wonder "When the hell did that happen?" Sometimes, I look in the mirror, and wonder when did I grow up When did I stop looking like a twig and start looking...like this? Not that I think I look bad =P Although I wish my skin would clear up all the way =( breakouts at 22 are no fun.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to a time where I only worked for spending money. I didn't have to worry about anything but twenty dollars for my gas tank and tips for snacks the next day at school.
Sometimes, I wish I could still be the child....and be able to know my parents will take care of everything.

But the fact is, I am 22. I am living away from home, and everyday I am learning new ways to provide for myself, and getting better at the things I've already had a crash course in.

It's sad to think there are people out there who never get past feeling that need to always be cared for; I'm not talking about people who have parents who can support them when they need it, or people who have emotional support, love and care, because we all need those things. I'm talking about people who out right refuse to grow up and learn to take care of themselves. People who have never payed a real bill, or had to make a real budget so they can afford to keep their homes, a tank full of gas and kitchen with food in it.

Sadly, some of these people will and do abuse our welfare system, and make it so that people who have worked hard all their lives and do need the help may one day have to pee in a cup just to get it; how degrading. It angers me to think of the state ever considering making people like my father do this so he can feed my siblings and my mother; just because someone out there is abusing our system. Abusing the offer of a helping hand. Taking and taking while never giving back.
And how many of us have encountered someone who abused our offers of help? Who took from us, but never returned the favors?

 There will always be people who are too afraid to do any real growing up. And, I pity them. As scary as it is knowing all the things I have to do on my own now, I pity them. They are sad people.

Growing up is a fascinating, terrifying, and exhilarating life experience. Don't run away from it just because it looks hard. We are born to grow up. So get out there, and take your own crash courses in life. I promise, when it's over, you won't regret it.

The Big Sister Syndrome

Yesterday, I called my mom. We talked a little while, catching up on the trivial things that happen in the lives of two grown women, when I mentioned something I still cannot wrap my mind around, something that really worried me. A very good friend made a decision that I felt, and still feel, was less than wise. She had asked me my thoughts and advice on this situation before she made up her mind, and I gave it to her with complete candor. I expressed to her all of my concerns, and pointed out several things that were logical reasons to take caution. But, in the end, she went the more risky route (and if you are reading this, friend, please know I love you, like a little sister, and I only want the best for you. Please don't take any offense, as what I'm about to talk about is not directed at you, it's just how I feel overall.) I told my mom how it frustrated me that my friend hadn't taken my advice after asking for it; especially because of the situation, and how I had no idea what she was thinking; it all seemed so sudden, and I couldn't see why my friend who was normally so level headed would do it. That's when my mom stopped me, and told me that I shouldn't spend all my energy worrying about my grown friends. She said I have the Big Sister Syndrome; always trying to direct my loved ones in the direction I saw was right for them. Well, this stopped me in my tracks. I had never thought of it that way.

 I grew up as the oldest despite being one of the middle children out of four. My sister is nine years older than me, and was grown during the majority of me and my other two siblings growing-up years. Both my parents were in school for a good portion of time while I was seven through thirteen. So, I spent a lot of my time watching my younger brother and sister. Four two years, while my mom was in grad school, I spent a few nights of the week being large and in charge at home. I was eleven; and on a couple nights I was in charge of having dinner ready, because my dad had night class. I am a bit of a neat freak, truly as a result of being my mothers daughter, and so I spent Fridays cleaning the house before my mom came home as well.
 I think playing such a vital role in helping my parents those two years altered me in a few ways; I grew up a little faster for it; and I took on a more protective, "second mother" attitude at home. That image I had of myself became ingrained in my personality. This became a problem right after my mom graduated and came back home; I was twelve going on thirteen, and I had gotten so used to being in charge of my siblings, that for the rest of my time at home my parents and I had constant arguments over me acting like a second mother; and my siblings resented me for it for years after I moved out. I can, thankfully, say that I've learned to control this aspect of my behavior. I try hard not to scold my siblings when they do something i think they shouldn't. Now that they are both growing up, Tyler going on 18 and Jessie just turned 16, I try my best to keep my mouth shut and let them do their own growing up. It is a constant battle with myself, but I bite my tongue because I love them, and they have to grow up in their own way.

  When you're an outsider looking in on a situation, it's easy to see things that someone close to it can't. It's also easy to think you know exactly what the person on the inside should do to best handle it. When someone doesn't take this advice, it gets under your skin....
 When you have a personality where you are constantly "protecting" one person or another, even just in your own mind, it becomes increasingly difficult to give the advice that you think is best for someone, and see them not take it. Call it bossiness, nosiness, maybe even stubbornness. But I think my mom hit the nail on the head when she called it Big Sister Syndrome.

All I can say, to any who have experienced this side of my personality, is that it's a work in progress for me. Every day, I see things that I feel I know the best route out of. It's hoe my mind has worked for so much of my life. But every time I catch myself thinking that way, I am trying to remember to let it go, and breathe. There are forces beyond me involved in everyone else's life; we all have to just sit back and breathe, and listen when a friend needs a pair of ears. Sometimes, that's the best thing a big sister can do: just listen.

This is My Space

I love having a blog, because it's my own personal little piece of the internet, that very few people ever visit; as such, I feel secure in venting here. And I have done so off and on since I first got this blog spot.
 My blog spot is not like Facebook; it's not a social network, where everyone I know has access to what I say, and where I have to monitor what I say because it is a social network. But here, I have free reign. I can talk about anything I want; I can talk about anything that bothers me, or creates stress in my life. In my psych class, we're learning about "the talking cure" regarding stress, mental illness, neurosis, etc,. It HELPS to vent. But a wise person will not post vents on networking sites where they can be taken offensively.
 There's a person whose blogs I've followed for a while; shes a really interesting person, and she always has cool things to talk about in her blogs; recently, a girl we both know has started showing how big of an immature, inconsiderate little prick she is; this person wrote a few blogs, did a little venting, but never mentioned the name of the girl, or really vented specifically about her, more so about situations. From what I could gather, this little girl, and I use that term because she is emotionally little and immature, has accused the a fore mentioned blogger of bullying her; something was clearly said to the blogger I follow, because not only did she clean out almost a month's worth of blogs (all which contained the vents regarding the situations with this little girl) but she also deleted her Facebook, which she had created for her own personal use to stay connected with her friends. Now, I understand she wants to give no more fuel to this little girls fire; and I understand the wisdom in saying nothing rather than stooping to another's level of behavior; but I think it is ridiculous that this little girl thinks she can just push people around and make wild, false accusations, just to get her way because she doesn't like when someone calls her out on who she really is. THAT is an unheard of level of childish behavior.

This girl, who has never lived on her own, never supported herself without help, who has taken advantage of every poor soul who ever cared about her, who is lazy and inconsiderate,  who has admitted to using people, especially men, to get what she wants just because she can, who claims to be mature beyond her twenty years, who lives vicariously through others, and has told me in person she is dependent, and cannot be without a man.....this girl needs a serious wake up call.
This girl needs to realize she doesn't even compare to the friends she pushed away. She is not the greatest thing in the world; nor is she the victim of truly tragic circumstances.

And, most of all, she needs to realize how truly pathetic she comes across. I really feel sorry for her. And, in the same coin, I don't. If she's a victim, it is of her own perception. Her life will never improve until she discovers her own self-identity, until she comes face to face with her own flaws and decides to work on them; she will never have greater life satisfaction until she stops playing the victim or martyr every time something happens that is not according to her plans.

And she needs to get it through her fat head that people have a right to vent about things that bother them. If she doesn't want to feel she's the cause, she needs to stop becoming the cause.

BAM. Yeah, I just wrote all that. Who's gonna stop me? The blog police? =P Good night, blog world.

New Beginnings!

 I've come to rely on the mantra "Life is what you make of it." It's pulled me through lots of situations that have, for the most part, felt very out of my hands. And sometimes, it just feels good to have that small sense of control. Really, that's what life is all about. Taking control of the situations you CAN take control of.

The way you think has a huge impact on your quality of living, and your life enjoyment.

Right before school started, I found out I wouldn't be able to get financial aid this semester. I was absolutely certain there was no way I'd go to school after all, and I felt I'd have to give up my dream, the one thing I had been working towards since the end of last semester. I went home thinking this way, talked to my parents about it, and put it out of mind for the night.

If I had continued thinking negatively, I'd have overlooked any options available to me, dropped the semester completely, and given up. Sounds bleak, right?

Instead, I woke up the next morning, looked over my finances, decided I could pay out of pocket, went to the school and dropped to part time instead of full time. I talked to my bosses, started pulling extra shifts, and hopefully, I'll be getting a raise and a promotion.
What changed in one night??

My outlook.

I have wanted to go back to school so badly for a while now. I finally have a direction and a degree plan, and I have actually gotten several classes I need for my degree plan out of the way already. Score!

Yes, my transcript is a sad thing to behold; no, I didn't start out with great promise as a college student. But,I know I will turn that around, starting this semester. I know I will get my degree, even if there are more semesters to come where I pay out of pocket. I know I have family who will help me as best they can, and support me, especially in getting my degree.And, I know that eventually my financial aid will come through, and I will go back to full time. I'll make it; I'm making it everyday. With positive, pro-active thoughts and goals.

So far, classes are great =) I get to take a class with Brock, in his last semester, on Tuesday's and Thursday's,  and I have one class noon on Wednesdays. I'm excelling at my job (not hard given some of the people I work with >.>) and my goal is to make straight A's this semester and get the third key holder position at work. How? I'm not going to tell myself I can't do it! I'm going to keep working hard, and keep proving myself...mostly to me =)

It's not the easiest way; it's certainly not ideal. But I feel good about where I am, and who I am. I can do this, one step at a time. Yayaya!

Ambitious

Tonight, as I sit here too wide awake to find the rest I need, I find myself contemplating the word "Ambitious." Why? Maybe because I am on the brink of picking up where I left off with my education. They say it's harder to go back the older you get; whoever "they" is, "they" were on to something. To go back to college, or to go to college to begin with, requires ambition. It's easy to get caught up with the "real" world; working a full time job, paying bills, learning to make ends meet on your own. It's a whirlpool, and one that will quickly suck away at your time and energy. And for a lot of us, it can suck away our ambitiousness. Just to be perfectly clear while I talk about Ambition, I'm going to add in the definitions I found:

Ambitious
 1.Having Ambition; eagerly desirous of  achieving or obtaining success, power, wealth, a specific goal, etc.: ambitious students.
 2. showing or caused by ambition: an ambitious attempt to break the record.  
 3. strongly desirous: eager: ambitious of love or approval.  
 4. requiring exceptional effort, ability, etc.: an ambitious program for eliminating all slums.


 At this point in my life, I would say my ambitions line up more with the first of these definitions. I have a stronger than ever desire to prove myself, and to achieve the dreams I've had for most of my adult life. I'd say these ambitions solidified in myself around April, when I got involved with theater again. Doing that play, despite the smallness of the role, was an ambition. It was my desire, my strong desire, to get back into something I've always loved to do. And achieving that one small taste of success is what awakened in me an even bigger ambition: to go back to school, and to really do my absolute best.
   When I first went to college, I was eighteen, and fresh out of high school. My ambition at that time? Well, it lined up perfectly with the third definition. I was "strongly desirous" and eager for my family's approval. I spent all of my senior year convincing myself I had to go to college, it was the next step, it was what was expected of me, and my family would be disappointed in me if I told them what I really wanted was to wait a year, to move out on my own, but wait a year to go to school. I thought everyone would be disappointed in me if I told them that going to school was the last thing I really wanted. So, ambitious of their approval, I went. I moved in to the dorms, and started one of the worst academic years of my life. I did miserably, and I have the poor GPA left behind to remind me how poorly I really did. I met some truly wonderful, lovely and inspiring people that year. And I would not take back those relationships, however long they lasted or badly they ended, for anything. I learned a great deal about myself in that year and the ones that followed. But boy, did my academic life suffer.
  Ambition, and being ambitious, is a part of every aspect of life, in one definition or another. It goes hand in hand with drive. And as an adult, those are two things one must, must, must have in order to succeed.

 Tonight, I logged in to myECU, and I took a look at my GPA, and cumulative hours. Folks, let me tell you, it was a sad thing to see. I have my work cut out for me, but you know something? I really have an ambition to do this. As I prepare to go back, and redeem my misguided ambitions of the past, I feel that all of the definitions apply. Going back to school was caused by my ambition to achieve success and my desire to show everyone I am a brilliant young woman, with a lot to offer. But more than that, I want to prove to MYSELF that I am those things. Brilliant, intelligent, capable, and successful. Deep inside, I know I am. And now, I have a strong ambition to see it in myself. I can do this. I will make straight A's this year, and I will bring my GPA up. I will succeed and I am going to get my degree in psychology.

I am making this promise to myself. And I'm not going to let myself back down. It's time to put this drive and ambition to use. And my friends, you will see me achieve these goals. Like my mom has always told me,
"God gave you the best gift you could ever have asked for: a brilliant mind."

I've Watched Too Much Harry Potter

 Sometimes, I really like to read other peoples old blogs. I like to see where they've been, or what they've been through. I find myself analyzing them in a way, drawing lines between events, seeing how it shaped their personality.
   Is it odd that I like to know about old relationships?? It probably is...but it's like a real life novel. I don't mean that to sound like I have no respect for the fact that the blogs i read belong to real people, who at one time really felt a certain way. Because I do, really. I accept that their are parts of everyone's past that will remain there for the rest of their lives, irremovable imprints of events long past.
   I wrote a blog similar to that theory before. That the past shapes the present, and to wish for things to be different is foolish. I just find past relationships interesting. I think there are clues and indicators a person can find from something like an old journal or blog that will unlock levels of understanding, and today that's really all I've done with my free time.
I've been reading some peoples old blogs, and I have found further understanding in doing so.
 I don't know why I feel this need to understand a person, their motivations, their actions, the way they feel about things. I guess on some level all people have that desire to know the people in their lives in that way. But I want to understand *everyone* that way. Even people who hate me. Even people I don't want anything to do with.
Also...I'm snoopy.
 People often times forget things from the past. It's normal, as you move on, old memories fade and in their place new, relevant memories form. But if you blog about it...it's there. It will remain there. Sometimes for years and years, until you either forget it existed, or you delete it.
 Maybe I like to read them because whenever a chapter ends for me, I cut all ties with the past. I delete tangible connections, like blogs, notes, pictures. Even whole profiles on social networks.

 I feel like when Harry Potter falls into the pensive....I don't know if exhilarating is the right descriptive word? It's just....fascinating. I feel like I've gained serious insight into the people whose blogs I read through today. In some cases, it was only confirming things I already suspected.....but those things are things I can not change. Some are just personality quriks. No one can change another's personality. But, some are more about old connections.
 Sometimes, a persons past will always remain connected to them. I have known that these connections exist with people I love and care deeply about for a long time; but when you read something that relates specifically to that connection, it really becomes solid. Tangible even.
 Maybe it's because I've been re-watching Harry Potter....but I feel like I am more like a phoenix when it comes to my past, relationships and otherwise. When something ends for me, it bursts to flame. It dies, leaving nothing but a pile of ash. Then, in the same way a phoenix is re-born from the ashes of its former self, I move forward into the new chapter ahead of me. My past is only ever ashes. 

I don't really feel sad about it. I like that I really can let go of things, and really do move on. I feel bad that there are people, like my ex, who just...don't. It's so unhealthy. Here we are, just shy of a year of being divorced, and I hear he's still locking himself in his room and refusing to eat? There's a line between hurting and self-pity. I know that heartbreak is painful. But broken hearts will only mend when you let them. There's not a person alive who hasn't had their heart broken. Abd we all find a way to continue living, to continue forwards.

I feel like a lot of wise tid-bits have been applicable this week....."A broken heart will mend if you let it"...."let sleeping dogs lie".....
Sometimes, people underestimate the importance of separating the good and bad of our pasts, and knowing when it's wise to look back, and when you need to keep pressing forward.
Feels like those are the lesson's I've been learning in this chapter of my life......man, I have come far. I can't wait to look back a year from now and see even more of how I've grown.