The Mirror Lies

 I hate nights like this. I hate feeling like this. The kind of night where I want to cover every mirror, reflective surface and scale with dark heavy sheets and bury myself in pillows, accompanied only by a box of tissues. I feel enormous on nights like this. I can't stand to look in the mirror because I know all I'll see is every little place where a pound or two has found it's way in; every little imperfection will appear ruddier and magnified by one hundred. I feel hungry; but I can't bring myself to eat or drink.
   My hair is too short, my jaw is too weak, I'm covered in pimples, my teeth look like something you'd find on Halloween. I have zero confidence on nights like this. Every other girl I see is much prettier; maybe everyone else will think so too. I don't even know why that matters; the logical part of me knows this is depression rearing it's ugly head once again. That these thoughts are just lies.
 When my depression pays a visit, the mirror lies. My every thought turns against me; I feel the inner battle rage once more. I can feel the wave rise higher, higher, and higher still. I try to brace myself with my only weapon: logic. Truth. I try to run away, to escape the shadow cast by the inevitable bout of depression bearing down on me. But in the end, I am helpless.
 So tonight, I just want to cry. Because five pounds feels more like a ton. Because a couple breakouts mar my every feature. Because my every thought is an enemy. And I am helpless to fight it off on my own.

On nights like these, the mirror lies.

And tonight, I need... I need a friend to help pull me out from under this crushing weight of self doubt and disgust.

Challenges, Changes, and Trolls

There are so many things going on in my life right now, and I really just need an outlet. I miss my mom. Everyday for the last week and a half something happens, and I just want to call my mom and talk for a while, or go down and just get a nice big hug. I've gotten so used to depending on her, that I am finding it a difficult transition now that she needs to depend on me. And at the same time, I just want her to know she can lean on me.
 I'm finding that these years of my life are a serious time of transition. One day I was just a teen, moving out of my parents house for the first time, with everything ahead of me. Life was a new exciting adventure. Then it's like I rolled out of bed the next day, and BAM, here I am, coming up on twenty-two, just now figuring out what I want to do with my life, no longer a wide eyed teen, but a full grown woman with a failed marriage and a string of other failures behind me. Some nights, nights like tonight, I feel older than I really am. Tonight I'd really love to just call my mom and hear her voice, always so able to reassure me, and soothe me.
 But since I can't, I try to remind myself of what my mom would say to me. She'd tell me to count my blessings. I have a family I love more than anything, who I know will support me. I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have are ones I know I can always count on. My boyfriend has been my closest friend since I moved out on my own, and I love him so much. I have a new job, and I'm finally getting a chance to do what I love: Act. I have so much to look forward. I just have to keep reminding myself of these things.

As for the other half of this blog....Trolls. GOOD GRIEF, why are there so many trolls? People I will never understand are the ones who have nothing better to do than try and get under someone else's skin. Stirring up drama, trying to get attention with their antics. I mean really? You shouldn't go to someone with a life crisis situation just to turn around and act like they're the ones being creepers. What's the point in dramatically deleting an account just to create a new one AND reactivate the one you went through and deleted??
It's insane behavior. And I am insane to think there will ever be different results to that kind of madness.
 So from now on I'm not going to waste my time. I have too much going on in my life to bother with trolls and their drama.