I May Not Know Much

A wolf can hide in sheep's skin. These days, it can be hard to spot the false coin from the real; but I can tell you one thing from experience, when someone speaks against your character, or tries to deface you as a person, it is best to turn the other cheek; Actions will always speak louder than words.

 There are a lot of things I can easily admit I don't know. I may not have the most education behind me; I may not be the most informed on current events, or fashion, or politics. I am okay with not knowing everything.

Some things I do know. I know my heart; I know who I am, what I stand for, and I want out of this life. I know that when someone asks me a direct question, I will give them an honest answer. That's how I was raised. I know I won't win over every heart in the world; I know there are many who will never like me, and others still who will spend their time defacing my character, and talking down about me. These are things I know, understand, and am okay with. "C'est le Vie." That's life. I know I have a good loving heart, honest intentions, and open mind, a forgiving nature, a sharp mind for learning, and a faith in God that has been put to the test and come out stronger every time. I know, also, that I am flawed. I am human, and prone to mistakes. I've made my fair share in this life, and I don't forget it.
 All of these things, I know about myself. And I am unwavering in my certainty that I know myself, as a woman, a spiritual being, and as a human full of emotion, passion and flaw.

 When someone speaks poorly of my character, when they pass snap judgments, or conspire about my doings, I won't lie. It hurts. And then, I remember something. I remember I was made for greater things than succumbing to gossips, and to liars. I have been fearfully and wonderfully made for something more than hiding my face because someone else tried to shame me. You can't *make* someone feel shame; that feeling rises as a response to an action. And I will CHOOSE to not feel shame where it is not warranted.

There are always going to be people who will talk badly about me; people who will always assume I'm just a liar and a cheat. A user. Let people assume what they want. They don't know me like I do, like my family and friends do. And that's enough for me.

Conflicted Sympathy

  Is it just me, or has this month been just insane?? It seems like every time I turn around, someone else has passed away, gotten sick, had surgery, or has found out they are having a baby. It's just one thing after another; it has me on my toes, wary of every corner or night time outing, because it just seems like this month has been so unlucky. Especially with deaths. And I don't mean to sound insensitive about it. It's just something I've noticed.

  What I find particularly difficult, though, is the feelings of empathy for all these people who are losing their loved ones. To be more direct, I've had a hard time with it today. My immediate reaction when I hear someone is passed is to extend my condolences to the family and friends left grieving. Losing someone is never easy; losing someone unexpectedly is even worse, because there's the pain of the loss combined with shock. And I feel overwhelming sympathy in such cases. The reason this has been so hard tonight, is because of a conflict with *who* has lost someone.
  It sounds awful to me that I have to reconsider extending my sympathy to someone because of who they are and how they have behaved towards me. I feel like it shouldn't be a factor in times of grief and today, it has most definitely become a factor.
 I feel I can't approach this person, even to tell them how sorry I am for their loss, because they have, time and time again, treated me with no respect. They have used and abused every extension of help, or offer of friendship, that I have ever given them. So to tell them how sorry I am to hear that they lost a loved one...seems like it would be unwelcome, and/or unappreciated. I hate that. Everyone deserves sympathy, kindness and prayer when they are hurting from the loss of a loved one....but how can a person offer those things to someone who clearly could care less about you yourself? =/ It's an inner battle to keep from sending even the shortest of messages......
 How sad it must be to know you've pushed away so many genuine people who wanted to be your friend, who would have been there for you in your times of need...how incredibly sad.

  I wish it were different; that we could get along, even enough for cordiality. But this person has proven time and again that they have no desire to be genuine with me.....and on principal, I cannot extend my sympathies.

This makes me feel like an awful person.....I was taught that you should over look things, when someone is hurting...with this person, I just..can't. Ah, but I guess life will go on. And so will I, as I always have.