I've come to rely on the mantra "Life is what you make of it." It's pulled me through lots of situations that have, for the most part, felt very out of my hands. And sometimes, it just feels good to have that small sense of control. Really, that's what life is all about. Taking control of the situations you CAN take control of.
The way you think has a huge impact on your quality of living, and your life enjoyment.
Right before school started, I found out I wouldn't be able to get financial aid this semester. I was absolutely certain there was no way I'd go to school after all, and I felt I'd have to give up my dream, the one thing I had been working towards since the end of last semester. I went home thinking this way, talked to my parents about it, and put it out of mind for the night.
If I had continued thinking negatively, I'd have overlooked any options available to me, dropped the semester completely, and given up. Sounds bleak, right?
Instead, I woke up the next morning, looked over my finances, decided I could pay out of pocket, went to the school and dropped to part time instead of full time. I talked to my bosses, started pulling extra shifts, and hopefully, I'll be getting a raise and a promotion.
What changed in one night??
My outlook.
I have wanted to go back to school so badly for a while now. I finally have a direction and a degree plan, and I have actually gotten several classes I need for my degree plan out of the way already. Score!
Yes, my transcript is a sad thing to behold; no, I didn't start out with great promise as a college student. But,I know I will turn that around, starting this semester. I know I will get my degree, even if there are more semesters to come where I pay out of pocket. I know I have family who will help me as best they can, and support me, especially in getting my degree.And, I know that eventually my financial aid will come through, and I will go back to full time. I'll make it; I'm making it everyday. With positive, pro-active thoughts and goals.
So far, classes are great =) I get to take a class with Brock, in his last semester, on Tuesday's and Thursday's, and I have one class noon on Wednesdays. I'm excelling at my job (not hard given some of the people I work with >.>) and my goal is to make straight A's this semester and get the third key holder position at work. How? I'm not going to tell myself I can't do it! I'm going to keep working hard, and keep proving myself...mostly to me =)
It's not the easiest way; it's certainly not ideal. But I feel good about where I am, and who I am. I can do this, one step at a time. Yayaya!
About Me
- Aubs
- I'm a 26 year old female just living life. I am a lover of the preforming arts, particularly theater. I'm a sweet, caring, and fun loving person. I've been through a lot in my life, and I am thankful for the trials, because they shaped who i am.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Ambitious
Tonight, as I sit here too wide awake to find the rest I need, I find myself contemplating the word "Ambitious." Why? Maybe because I am on the brink of picking up where I left off with my education. They say it's harder to go back the older you get; whoever "they" is, "they" were on to something. To go back to college, or to go to college to begin with, requires ambition. It's easy to get caught up with the "real" world; working a full time job, paying bills, learning to make ends meet on your own. It's a whirlpool, and one that will quickly suck away at your time and energy. And for a lot of us, it can suck away our ambitiousness. Just to be perfectly clear while I talk about Ambition, I'm going to add in the definitions I found:
Ambitious
1.Having Ambition; eagerly desirous of achieving or obtaining success, power, wealth, a specific goal, etc.: ambitious students.
2. showing or caused by ambition: an ambitious attempt to break the record.
3. strongly desirous: eager: ambitious of love or approval.
4. requiring exceptional effort, ability, etc.: an ambitious program for eliminating all slums.
At this point in my life, I would say my ambitions line up more with the first of these definitions. I have a stronger than ever desire to prove myself, and to achieve the dreams I've had for most of my adult life. I'd say these ambitions solidified in myself around April, when I got involved with theater again. Doing that play, despite the smallness of the role, was an ambition. It was my desire, my strong desire, to get back into something I've always loved to do. And achieving that one small taste of success is what awakened in me an even bigger ambition: to go back to school, and to really do my absolute best.
When I first went to college, I was eighteen, and fresh out of high school. My ambition at that time? Well, it lined up perfectly with the third definition. I was "strongly desirous" and eager for my family's approval. I spent all of my senior year convincing myself I had to go to college, it was the next step, it was what was expected of me, and my family would be disappointed in me if I told them what I really wanted was to wait a year, to move out on my own, but wait a year to go to school. I thought everyone would be disappointed in me if I told them that going to school was the last thing I really wanted. So, ambitious of their approval, I went. I moved in to the dorms, and started one of the worst academic years of my life. I did miserably, and I have the poor GPA left behind to remind me how poorly I really did. I met some truly wonderful, lovely and inspiring people that year. And I would not take back those relationships, however long they lasted or badly they ended, for anything. I learned a great deal about myself in that year and the ones that followed. But boy, did my academic life suffer.
Ambition, and being ambitious, is a part of every aspect of life, in one definition or another. It goes hand in hand with drive. And as an adult, those are two things one must, must, must have in order to succeed.
Tonight, I logged in to myECU, and I took a look at my GPA, and cumulative hours. Folks, let me tell you, it was a sad thing to see. I have my work cut out for me, but you know something? I really have an ambition to do this. As I prepare to go back, and redeem my misguided ambitions of the past, I feel that all of the definitions apply. Going back to school was caused by my ambition to achieve success and my desire to show everyone I am a brilliant young woman, with a lot to offer. But more than that, I want to prove to MYSELF that I am those things. Brilliant, intelligent, capable, and successful. Deep inside, I know I am. And now, I have a strong ambition to see it in myself. I can do this. I will make straight A's this year, and I will bring my GPA up. I will succeed and I am going to get my degree in psychology.
I am making this promise to myself. And I'm not going to let myself back down. It's time to put this drive and ambition to use. And my friends, you will see me achieve these goals. Like my mom has always told me,
"God gave you the best gift you could ever have asked for: a brilliant mind."
Ambitious
1.Having Ambition; eagerly desirous of achieving or obtaining success, power, wealth, a specific goal, etc.: ambitious students.
2. showing or caused by ambition: an ambitious attempt to break the record.
3. strongly desirous: eager: ambitious of love or approval.
4. requiring exceptional effort, ability, etc.: an ambitious program for eliminating all slums.
At this point in my life, I would say my ambitions line up more with the first of these definitions. I have a stronger than ever desire to prove myself, and to achieve the dreams I've had for most of my adult life. I'd say these ambitions solidified in myself around April, when I got involved with theater again. Doing that play, despite the smallness of the role, was an ambition. It was my desire, my strong desire, to get back into something I've always loved to do. And achieving that one small taste of success is what awakened in me an even bigger ambition: to go back to school, and to really do my absolute best.
When I first went to college, I was eighteen, and fresh out of high school. My ambition at that time? Well, it lined up perfectly with the third definition. I was "strongly desirous" and eager for my family's approval. I spent all of my senior year convincing myself I had to go to college, it was the next step, it was what was expected of me, and my family would be disappointed in me if I told them what I really wanted was to wait a year, to move out on my own, but wait a year to go to school. I thought everyone would be disappointed in me if I told them that going to school was the last thing I really wanted. So, ambitious of their approval, I went. I moved in to the dorms, and started one of the worst academic years of my life. I did miserably, and I have the poor GPA left behind to remind me how poorly I really did. I met some truly wonderful, lovely and inspiring people that year. And I would not take back those relationships, however long they lasted or badly they ended, for anything. I learned a great deal about myself in that year and the ones that followed. But boy, did my academic life suffer.
Ambition, and being ambitious, is a part of every aspect of life, in one definition or another. It goes hand in hand with drive. And as an adult, those are two things one must, must, must have in order to succeed.
Tonight, I logged in to myECU, and I took a look at my GPA, and cumulative hours. Folks, let me tell you, it was a sad thing to see. I have my work cut out for me, but you know something? I really have an ambition to do this. As I prepare to go back, and redeem my misguided ambitions of the past, I feel that all of the definitions apply. Going back to school was caused by my ambition to achieve success and my desire to show everyone I am a brilliant young woman, with a lot to offer. But more than that, I want to prove to MYSELF that I am those things. Brilliant, intelligent, capable, and successful. Deep inside, I know I am. And now, I have a strong ambition to see it in myself. I can do this. I will make straight A's this year, and I will bring my GPA up. I will succeed and I am going to get my degree in psychology.
I am making this promise to myself. And I'm not going to let myself back down. It's time to put this drive and ambition to use. And my friends, you will see me achieve these goals. Like my mom has always told me,
"God gave you the best gift you could ever have asked for: a brilliant mind."
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
I've Watched Too Much Harry Potter
Sometimes, I really like to read other peoples old blogs. I like to see where they've been, or what they've been through. I find myself analyzing them in a way, drawing lines between events, seeing how it shaped their personality.
Is it odd that I like to know about old relationships?? It probably is...but it's like a real life novel. I don't mean that to sound like I have no respect for the fact that the blogs i read belong to real people, who at one time really felt a certain way. Because I do, really. I accept that their are parts of everyone's past that will remain there for the rest of their lives, irremovable imprints of events long past.
I wrote a blog similar to that theory before. That the past shapes the present, and to wish for things to be different is foolish. I just find past relationships interesting. I think there are clues and indicators a person can find from something like an old journal or blog that will unlock levels of understanding, and today that's really all I've done with my free time.
I've been reading some peoples old blogs, and I have found further understanding in doing so.
I don't know why I feel this need to understand a person, their motivations, their actions, the way they feel about things. I guess on some level all people have that desire to know the people in their lives in that way. But I want to understand *everyone* that way. Even people who hate me. Even people I don't want anything to do with.
Also...I'm snoopy.
People often times forget things from the past. It's normal, as you move on, old memories fade and in their place new, relevant memories form. But if you blog about it...it's there. It will remain there. Sometimes for years and years, until you either forget it existed, or you delete it.
Maybe I like to read them because whenever a chapter ends for me, I cut all ties with the past. I delete tangible connections, like blogs, notes, pictures. Even whole profiles on social networks.
I feel like when Harry Potter falls into the pensive....I don't know if exhilarating is the right descriptive word? It's just....fascinating. I feel like I've gained serious insight into the people whose blogs I read through today. In some cases, it was only confirming things I already suspected.....but those things are things I can not change. Some are just personality quriks. No one can change another's personality. But, some are more about old connections.
Sometimes, a persons past will always remain connected to them. I have known that these connections exist with people I love and care deeply about for a long time; but when you read something that relates specifically to that connection, it really becomes solid. Tangible even.
Maybe it's because I've been re-watching Harry Potter....but I feel like I am more like a phoenix when it comes to my past, relationships and otherwise. When something ends for me, it bursts to flame. It dies, leaving nothing but a pile of ash. Then, in the same way a phoenix is re-born from the ashes of its former self, I move forward into the new chapter ahead of me. My past is only ever ashes.
I don't really feel sad about it. I like that I really can let go of things, and really do move on. I feel bad that there are people, like my ex, who just...don't. It's so unhealthy. Here we are, just shy of a year of being divorced, and I hear he's still locking himself in his room and refusing to eat? There's a line between hurting and self-pity. I know that heartbreak is painful. But broken hearts will only mend when you let them. There's not a person alive who hasn't had their heart broken. Abd we all find a way to continue living, to continue forwards.
I feel like a lot of wise tid-bits have been applicable this week....."A broken heart will mend if you let it"...."let sleeping dogs lie".....
Sometimes, people underestimate the importance of separating the good and bad of our pasts, and knowing when it's wise to look back, and when you need to keep pressing forward.
Feels like those are the lesson's I've been learning in this chapter of my life......man, I have come far. I can't wait to look back a year from now and see even more of how I've grown.
Is it odd that I like to know about old relationships?? It probably is...but it's like a real life novel. I don't mean that to sound like I have no respect for the fact that the blogs i read belong to real people, who at one time really felt a certain way. Because I do, really. I accept that their are parts of everyone's past that will remain there for the rest of their lives, irremovable imprints of events long past.
I wrote a blog similar to that theory before. That the past shapes the present, and to wish for things to be different is foolish. I just find past relationships interesting. I think there are clues and indicators a person can find from something like an old journal or blog that will unlock levels of understanding, and today that's really all I've done with my free time.
I've been reading some peoples old blogs, and I have found further understanding in doing so.
I don't know why I feel this need to understand a person, their motivations, their actions, the way they feel about things. I guess on some level all people have that desire to know the people in their lives in that way. But I want to understand *everyone* that way. Even people who hate me. Even people I don't want anything to do with.
Also...I'm snoopy.
People often times forget things from the past. It's normal, as you move on, old memories fade and in their place new, relevant memories form. But if you blog about it...it's there. It will remain there. Sometimes for years and years, until you either forget it existed, or you delete it.
Maybe I like to read them because whenever a chapter ends for me, I cut all ties with the past. I delete tangible connections, like blogs, notes, pictures. Even whole profiles on social networks.
I feel like when Harry Potter falls into the pensive....I don't know if exhilarating is the right descriptive word? It's just....fascinating. I feel like I've gained serious insight into the people whose blogs I read through today. In some cases, it was only confirming things I already suspected.....but those things are things I can not change. Some are just personality quriks. No one can change another's personality. But, some are more about old connections.
Sometimes, a persons past will always remain connected to them. I have known that these connections exist with people I love and care deeply about for a long time; but when you read something that relates specifically to that connection, it really becomes solid. Tangible even.
Maybe it's because I've been re-watching Harry Potter....but I feel like I am more like a phoenix when it comes to my past, relationships and otherwise. When something ends for me, it bursts to flame. It dies, leaving nothing but a pile of ash. Then, in the same way a phoenix is re-born from the ashes of its former self, I move forward into the new chapter ahead of me. My past is only ever ashes.
I don't really feel sad about it. I like that I really can let go of things, and really do move on. I feel bad that there are people, like my ex, who just...don't. It's so unhealthy. Here we are, just shy of a year of being divorced, and I hear he's still locking himself in his room and refusing to eat? There's a line between hurting and self-pity. I know that heartbreak is painful. But broken hearts will only mend when you let them. There's not a person alive who hasn't had their heart broken. Abd we all find a way to continue living, to continue forwards.
I feel like a lot of wise tid-bits have been applicable this week....."A broken heart will mend if you let it"...."let sleeping dogs lie".....
Sometimes, people underestimate the importance of separating the good and bad of our pasts, and knowing when it's wise to look back, and when you need to keep pressing forward.
Feels like those are the lesson's I've been learning in this chapter of my life......man, I have come far. I can't wait to look back a year from now and see even more of how I've grown.
Friday, July 29, 2011
No Regrets
There's a lot on my mind. I don't really have any strong feelings about any of it. It's just there. Sometimes, I like to look back to see how far I've come. It's sometimes a good reminder of things we may need to work on at the moment, or simply encouragement for us to move even further forward. And tonight, I looked very far back. Four years back.
Four years doesn't sound like the largest chunk of time in the world, but boy does it make a difference. Tonight I read things from so long ago it felt more like an excerpt from fictional drama than something that really happened. It's amazing the way events shape us, and pave the directions our lives go in. I love how some decisions lead you to believe the path will go a certain way, then life intervenes and suddenly the people you thought you'd never see again are the most important parts of your life. The human heart has such a capacity for healing, and for love. The heart could be called fickle. It's so easy for the feelings of a moment to change in an instant; but that's why you can't lean only on emotion.
I can see more clearly now than before how much I have changed. I owe so much of that to the path paved for me by certain catastrophic events in my life; poor decision making led me to a place where I had chances to clarify for myself who I am in this world, who matters to me, what matters to me....I also had a really good opportunity to delve into and solidify my religious beliefs. It's easy to say there are things I'd change in my past...sometimes, I wonder if I went back in time, would I warn myself that getting married was an awful idea? Or to not give up on a friendship that had meant so much to me? However often I wonder these things, I'll never go back and warn myself of anything. And in a way, I'm thankful.
A good friend told me, after my divorce, that we have to learn how to separate the good memories from the bad, and hold onto just those. I'm in a place in my life where I've been able to do that, finally. So, if you asked me if I had any regrets.....I think I'd have to say no. No, I don't think I regret anything that's happened in my life. No, I don't wish things had gone differently. Because I would not be the me sitting here writing this now if things had been different.
My ex-husband and I weren't the best for each other. We had little in common, and argued over most things. We each asked and expected too much of each other; things we would never be able to give one another. I really feel we were too young to know what we were getting in to, and we both had too much to work on in ourselves, to much for God to work on in each of us individually, for forever to have been a real possibility. But, I don't really regret the time I spent on that relationship. If I were to narrow it down to the last, say, nine months we were together, then maybe I'd say I'd change all of it. But, I have to remember that almost three years of my life was spent in that relationship, and if I said there weren't good times I'd be a liar. Who we are now, since we've been apart, are radically different than who we were together three years ago. It's just a fact. But that time in my life is a part of who I am now. It's irreversible.
The same goes for others. I could say I wish what I have now had come sooner. But would the relationship and life I have now have been as strong had it happened? I could be bothered by how much
In the same way, there are other people who have played roles in parts of my life that have become a part of who I am today. At one time, when I was a reckless young 18 year old girl, I faced an ordeal with two other people I thought I'd never live past. I thought my heart would stop, I hurt so badly in those moments. And I know they hurt too. Some for far too long over it all. We thought we wouldn't get past it. But, we all did. We all lived past it, and moved forward, and grew from it. I can't say I regret any of it; because it helped me grow, and learn. And I hope that they can say the same.
I know I've been much less religious since my divorce. I don't post scripture, or "Praise God" this and that very often. But tonight I feel a strong urge to say a little thank you prayer to my Creator.... he always stretches me further than I believe possible. And He always brings me to a peaceful, precious place in life, no matter the obstacles I face.
He has placed people all throughout the last four years of my life who have helped me learn more about myself, whether it be good or bad, and grow stronger from all those experiences. It never ceases to amaze me when I look back and see how much He has done.
So, do you live regret free? Maybe it's time you sat down and separated the good memories from the bad so that you can hold on to all the things you learned through those experiences.
Life is too short to waste time wishing things had been different. We are not promised a tomorrow. Live in today, and be thankful for it. Be thankful for all of it, because those things you thought would kill you only made you stronger. And that, my friends, is the truly beautiful thing about this life we've been given.
Four years doesn't sound like the largest chunk of time in the world, but boy does it make a difference. Tonight I read things from so long ago it felt more like an excerpt from fictional drama than something that really happened. It's amazing the way events shape us, and pave the directions our lives go in. I love how some decisions lead you to believe the path will go a certain way, then life intervenes and suddenly the people you thought you'd never see again are the most important parts of your life. The human heart has such a capacity for healing, and for love. The heart could be called fickle. It's so easy for the feelings of a moment to change in an instant; but that's why you can't lean only on emotion.
I can see more clearly now than before how much I have changed. I owe so much of that to the path paved for me by certain catastrophic events in my life; poor decision making led me to a place where I had chances to clarify for myself who I am in this world, who matters to me, what matters to me....I also had a really good opportunity to delve into and solidify my religious beliefs. It's easy to say there are things I'd change in my past...sometimes, I wonder if I went back in time, would I warn myself that getting married was an awful idea? Or to not give up on a friendship that had meant so much to me? However often I wonder these things, I'll never go back and warn myself of anything. And in a way, I'm thankful.
A good friend told me, after my divorce, that we have to learn how to separate the good memories from the bad, and hold onto just those. I'm in a place in my life where I've been able to do that, finally. So, if you asked me if I had any regrets.....I think I'd have to say no. No, I don't think I regret anything that's happened in my life. No, I don't wish things had gone differently. Because I would not be the me sitting here writing this now if things had been different.
My ex-husband and I weren't the best for each other. We had little in common, and argued over most things. We each asked and expected too much of each other; things we would never be able to give one another. I really feel we were too young to know what we were getting in to, and we both had too much to work on in ourselves, to much for God to work on in each of us individually, for forever to have been a real possibility. But, I don't really regret the time I spent on that relationship. If I were to narrow it down to the last, say, nine months we were together, then maybe I'd say I'd change all of it. But, I have to remember that almost three years of my life was spent in that relationship, and if I said there weren't good times I'd be a liar. Who we are now, since we've been apart, are radically different than who we were together three years ago. It's just a fact. But that time in my life is a part of who I am now. It's irreversible.
The same goes for others. I could say I wish what I have now had come sooner. But would the relationship and life I have now have been as strong had it happened? I could be bothered by how much
In the same way, there are other people who have played roles in parts of my life that have become a part of who I am today. At one time, when I was a reckless young 18 year old girl, I faced an ordeal with two other people I thought I'd never live past. I thought my heart would stop, I hurt so badly in those moments. And I know they hurt too. Some for far too long over it all. We thought we wouldn't get past it. But, we all did. We all lived past it, and moved forward, and grew from it. I can't say I regret any of it; because it helped me grow, and learn. And I hope that they can say the same.
I know I've been much less religious since my divorce. I don't post scripture, or "Praise God" this and that very often. But tonight I feel a strong urge to say a little thank you prayer to my Creator.... he always stretches me further than I believe possible. And He always brings me to a peaceful, precious place in life, no matter the obstacles I face.
He has placed people all throughout the last four years of my life who have helped me learn more about myself, whether it be good or bad, and grow stronger from all those experiences. It never ceases to amaze me when I look back and see how much He has done.
So, do you live regret free? Maybe it's time you sat down and separated the good memories from the bad so that you can hold on to all the things you learned through those experiences.
Life is too short to waste time wishing things had been different. We are not promised a tomorrow. Live in today, and be thankful for it. Be thankful for all of it, because those things you thought would kill you only made you stronger. And that, my friends, is the truly beautiful thing about this life we've been given.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Don't Bring me Down: Thoughts on the Power of Words
You know what the best thing I've done for myself lately is? Eliminating any sort of contact with people who really get under my skin. It's so cleansing to get rid of the ones who bring you down. I never realized just how much some people really got to me; and Brock was so right when he told me a month or so ago that I was letting them win every time I let them get to me.
It's not that I try to rise to the bait, or that I let things get to me in a cognitively aware way, it's just a personality quirk. Even as a kid, my parents always told not to "Rise to the bait." But I am a very emotionally in tune person, and I'll admit it can be too easy for others to press my buttons.
This is where I want to give myself a pat on the back. I feel I've made some serious progress on this part of me. Even at eighteen, I was too quick to anger, and easily agitated. My friend Jake used to get such a kick out of it, because he barely had to say two things, and I'd be riled up and agitated. I'm often told I'm funny when I'm angry; but let me tell you, when you're the one getting angry it's not NEARLY so funny.
All my life, my sensitivity to others has been a problem. I've always read too much in to other people's actions and words, always taken offense when I should have sought out clarity. Jake was just one of many who found and pressed my buttons too easily for cheap entertainment. Some found them on accident, but once pressed I went off like a geyser. I stopped writing blogs while angry or agitated for those very reasons; all it did was take a bad situation and make it worse.
Isn't it amazing how much damage can be done with a few careless words, or sentences? In the book of James, the tongue is described as the rudder to a great ship. If that doesn't give you just
the perfect image on how much importance goes on what we say, than I don't know what will.
Another verse I'm fond of a friend of mine actually posted on Facebook this week:
"My experience shows that those who plant trouble and cultivate evil will harvest the same." Job 4:8 NLT
Again, I really feel this can apply to what we say. People just don't realize how much they need to
watch what they say; half the time, we don't realize when we begin planting trouble for others; anything from mild gossip to outright lies, and generalized speculations about other people. And
when we do start stirring up trouble, it comes back to us, sometimes tenfold. So, this week, I'm taking these verses to heart; because life is too short to get distracted and waste time on people who don't lift you up or enrich your life =) I like focusing on all these great things in my life and all the great people who do lift me up much better.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Personality Test
My Personality
28 | |
63 | |
77 | |
60 | |
56 |
| You very rarely feel depressed and are usually in a good frame of mind, however you experience panic, confusion, and helplessness when under pressure or stress. You lead a leisurely and relaxed life. You would prefer to sit back and smell the roses than indulge in high energy activities. You are a moderately imaginative person who enjoys a good balance between the real world and fantasy. You find helping other people genuinely rewarding and are generally willing to assist those who are in need. You find that doing things for others is a form of self-fulfillment rather than self-sacrifice, however you mostly assume that people are honest and fair, however you are wary and hold back from trusting people completely. You are well-organized and like to live according to routines and schedules. Often you will keep lists and make plans. |
| Free Poll jewelry |
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Numb
There's so much going on...it's been so easy to forget how much is really happening until today. I hate seeing my dad broken. I hate hearing him cry. It kills the little girl in me. It makes me grow up a little more than I'm ready to every time it happens.Because when you're dad is hurting, who takes care of him? It's a difficult concept, thinking about who takes care of the person that always took care of you. And part of me felt, at one time, that it wasn't right that I should be facing this now when most kids don't have to consider it till they have grandchildren of their own. I felt so unprepared for it when it all first happened.
I now have to think in terms of how to take care of my parents. I am still not used to it.
I talked to my dad today. That's what brought this on. More trouble on the home front. We knew this would be a long road back in February when it all came to light.....but being prepared for a long walk is not enough to prepare you for having to carry others down that same path.
When i talked to him, I heard myself like a person standing on the outside looking in would hear me; I was calm, completely collected, completely factual. "Yes, this has been really hard on you. It's okay to feel the stress..you've been through a lot, but things are n your favor right now."
I'm not that person. I'm usually the emotional mess....and I guess I was, at first. Now I'm just...numb. I care...don't get me wrong, I really do. But I have nothing left to say about it. No tears left to shed over it. I want a certain outcome for my dad's sake, not mine. Because I don't need anything. My dad does. I have what I need in my life; I have support, and love. And in turn I have support and love to give. But I'm not their little girl anymore. I don't have tears for the difficult situation we're faced with. I am just tired, and ready for the resolution.
I wonder if people realize how much stress can force a girl to grow up in just five months? I doubt it.
I could be bitter about things; I could resent people for their ignorance of my family situation. But that's foolish, and unfair. Truth is, I don't think I'd lean on someone if they offered it right now. If I told someone everything going on, and they expected me to crack from the stress of it, i really seriously doubt I would. I don't feel all that emotionally invested anymore. The facts are what they are, and the outcome will be what it will be. I can't change that by being distraught and tearful.
Right now, I have to be the strong one. For my dad, for my siblings. No, I'm not alone. My older sister helps as much as she can. But I'm the closest to all this. So I have to bear the brunt of it.
Today, I feel tough as flint. Today, I'm numb to this.
I now have to think in terms of how to take care of my parents. I am still not used to it.
I talked to my dad today. That's what brought this on. More trouble on the home front. We knew this would be a long road back in February when it all came to light.....but being prepared for a long walk is not enough to prepare you for having to carry others down that same path.
When i talked to him, I heard myself like a person standing on the outside looking in would hear me; I was calm, completely collected, completely factual. "Yes, this has been really hard on you. It's okay to feel the stress..you've been through a lot, but things are n your favor right now."
I'm not that person. I'm usually the emotional mess....and I guess I was, at first. Now I'm just...numb. I care...don't get me wrong, I really do. But I have nothing left to say about it. No tears left to shed over it. I want a certain outcome for my dad's sake, not mine. Because I don't need anything. My dad does. I have what I need in my life; I have support, and love. And in turn I have support and love to give. But I'm not their little girl anymore. I don't have tears for the difficult situation we're faced with. I am just tired, and ready for the resolution.
I wonder if people realize how much stress can force a girl to grow up in just five months? I doubt it.
I could be bitter about things; I could resent people for their ignorance of my family situation. But that's foolish, and unfair. Truth is, I don't think I'd lean on someone if they offered it right now. If I told someone everything going on, and they expected me to crack from the stress of it, i really seriously doubt I would. I don't feel all that emotionally invested anymore. The facts are what they are, and the outcome will be what it will be. I can't change that by being distraught and tearful.
Right now, I have to be the strong one. For my dad, for my siblings. No, I'm not alone. My older sister helps as much as she can. But I'm the closest to all this. So I have to bear the brunt of it.
Today, I feel tough as flint. Today, I'm numb to this.
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