No Regrets

There's a lot on my mind. I don't really have any strong feelings about any of it. It's just there. Sometimes, I like to look back to see how far I've come. It's sometimes a good reminder of things we may need to work on at the moment, or simply encouragement for us to move even further forward. And tonight, I looked very far back. Four years back.
 Four years doesn't sound like the largest chunk of time in the world, but boy does it make a difference. Tonight I read things from so long ago it felt more like an excerpt from fictional drama than something that really happened. It's amazing the way events shape us, and pave the directions our lives go in. I love how some decisions lead you to believe the path will go a certain way, then life intervenes and suddenly the people you thought you'd never see again are the most important parts of your life. The human heart has such a capacity for healing, and for love. The heart could be called fickle. It's so easy for the feelings of a moment to change in an instant; but that's why you can't lean only on emotion.
 I can see more clearly now than before how much I have changed. I owe so much of that to the path paved for me by certain catastrophic events in my life; poor decision making led me to a place where I had chances to clarify for myself who I am in this world, who matters to me, what matters to me....I also had a really good opportunity to delve into and solidify my religious beliefs. It's easy to say there are things I'd change in my past...sometimes, I wonder if I went back in time, would I warn myself that getting married was an awful idea? Or to not give up on a friendship that had meant so much to me? However often I wonder these things, I'll never go back and warn myself of anything. And in a way, I'm thankful.
 A good friend told me, after my divorce, that we have to learn how to separate the good memories from the bad, and hold onto just those. I'm in a place in my life where I've been able to do that, finally. So, if you asked me if I had any regrets.....I think I'd have to say no. No, I don't think I regret anything that's happened in my life. No, I don't wish things had gone differently. Because I would not be the me sitting here writing this now if things had been different.
 My ex-husband and I weren't the best for each other. We had little in common, and argued over most things. We each asked and expected too much of each other; things we would never be able to give one another. I really feel we were too young to know what we were getting in to, and we both had too much to work on in ourselves, to much for God to work on in each of us individually, for forever to have been a real possibility. But, I don't really regret the time I spent on that relationship. If I were to narrow it down to the last, say, nine months we were together, then maybe I'd say I'd change all of it. But, I have to remember that almost three years of my life was spent in that relationship, and if I said there weren't good times I'd be a liar. Who we are now, since we've been apart, are radically different than who we were together three years ago. It's just a fact. But that time in my life is a part of who I am now. It's irreversible.
The same goes for others. I could say I wish what I have now had come sooner. But would the relationship and life I have now have been as strong had it happened? I could be bothered by how much
In the same way, there are other people who have played roles in parts of my life that have become a part of who I am today. At one time, when I was a reckless young 18 year old girl,  I faced an ordeal with two other people I thought I'd never live past. I thought my heart would stop, I hurt so badly in those moments. And I know they hurt too. Some for far too long over it all. We thought we wouldn't get past it. But, we all did. We all lived past it, and moved forward, and grew from it. I can't say I regret any of it; because it helped me grow, and learn. And I hope that they can say the same.
 I know I've been much less religious since my divorce. I don't post scripture, or "Praise God" this and that very often. But tonight I feel a strong urge to say a little thank you prayer to my Creator.... he always stretches me further than I believe possible. And He always brings me to a peaceful, precious place in life, no matter the obstacles I face.
He has placed people all throughout the last four years of my life who have helped me learn more about myself, whether it be good or bad, and grow stronger from all those experiences. It never ceases to amaze me when I look back and see how much He has done.

So, do you live regret free? Maybe it's time you sat down and separated the good memories from the bad so that you can hold on to all the things you learned through those experiences.
Life is too short to waste time wishing things had been different. We are not promised a tomorrow. Live in today, and be thankful for it. Be thankful for all of it, because those things you thought would kill you only made you stronger. And that, my friends, is the truly beautiful thing about this life we've been given.

Don't Bring me Down: Thoughts on the Power of Words

You know what the best thing I've done for myself lately is? Eliminating any sort of contact with people who really get under my skin. It's so cleansing to get rid of the ones who bring you down. I never realized just how much some people really got to me; and Brock was so right when he told me a month or so ago that I was letting them win every time I let them get to me.

It's not that I try to rise to the bait, or that I let things get to me in a cognitively aware way, it's just a personality quirk. Even as a kid, my parents always told not to "Rise to the bait." But I am a very emotionally  in tune person, and I'll admit it can be too easy for others to press my buttons.

This is where I want to give myself a pat on the back. I feel I've made some serious progress on this part of me. Even at eighteen, I was too quick to anger, and easily agitated. My friend Jake used to get such a kick out of it, because he barely had to say two things, and I'd be riled up and agitated. I'm often told I'm funny when I'm angry; but let me tell you, when you're the one getting angry it's not NEARLY so funny.

All my life, my sensitivity to others has been a problem. I've always read too much in to other people's actions and words, always taken offense when I should have sought out clarity.  Jake was just one of many who found and pressed my buttons too easily for cheap entertainment. Some found them on accident, but once pressed I went off like a geyser. I stopped writing blogs while angry or agitated for those very reasons; all it did was take a bad situation and make it worse.

Isn't it amazing how much damage can be done with a few careless words, or sentences? In the book of James, the tongue is described as the rudder to a great ship. If that doesn't give you just 

the perfect image on how much importance goes on what we say, than I don't know what will.

Another verse I'm fond of a friend of mine actually posted on Facebook this week:

‎"My experience shows that those who plant trouble and cultivate evil will harvest the same." Job 4:8 NLT

Again, I really feel this can apply to what we say. People just don't realize how much they need to 

watch what they say; half the time, we don't realize when we begin planting trouble for others; anything from mild gossip to outright lies, and generalized speculations about other people. And 

when we do start stirring up trouble, it comes back to us, sometimes tenfold. So, this week, I'm taking these verses to heart; because life is too short to get distracted and waste time on people who don't lift you up or enrich your life =) I like focusing on all these great things in my life and all the great people who do lift me up much better.

Personality Test

My Personality

Neuroticism	28
Extraversion	63
Openness to Experience	77
Agreeableness	60
Conscientiousness	56

You very rarely feel depressed and are usually in a good frame of mind, however you experience panic, confusion, and helplessness when under pressure or stress. You lead a leisurely and relaxed life. You would prefer to sit back and smell the roses than indulge in high energy activities. You are a moderately imaginative person who enjoys a good balance between the real world and fantasy. You find helping other people genuinely rewarding and are generally willing to assist those who are in need. You find that doing things for others is a form of self-fulfillment rather than self-sacrifice, however you mostly assume that people are honest and fair, however you are wary and hold back from trusting people completely. You are well-organized and like to live according to routines and schedules. Often you will keep lists and make plans.

Free Poll jewelry

Numb

There's so much going on...it's been so easy to forget how much is really happening until today. I hate seeing my dad broken. I hate hearing him cry. It kills the little girl in me. It makes me grow up a little more than I'm ready to every time it happens.Because when you're dad is hurting, who takes care of him? It's a difficult concept, thinking about who takes care of the person that always took care of you. And part of me felt, at one time, that it wasn't right that I should be facing this now when most kids don't have to consider it till they have grandchildren of their own. I felt so unprepared for it when it all first happened.
I now have to think in terms of how to take care of my parents. I am still not used to it.

I talked to my dad today. That's what brought this on. More trouble on the home front. We knew this would be a long road back in February when it all came to light.....but being prepared for a long walk is not enough to prepare you for having to carry others down that same path.
When i talked to him, I heard myself like a person standing on the outside looking in would hear me; I was calm, completely collected, completely factual. "Yes, this has been really hard on you. It's okay to feel the stress..you've been through a lot, but things are n your favor right now."

I'm not that person. I'm usually the emotional mess....and I guess I was, at first. Now I'm just...numb. I care...don't get me wrong, I really do. But I have nothing left to say about it. No tears left to shed over it. I want a certain outcome for my dad's sake, not mine. Because I don't need anything. My dad does. I have what I need in my life; I have support, and love. And in turn I have support and love to give. But I'm not their little girl anymore. I don't have tears for the difficult situation we're faced with. I am just tired, and ready for the resolution.

I wonder if people realize how much stress can force a girl to grow up in just five months? I doubt it.

I could be bitter about things; I could resent people for their ignorance of my family situation. But that's foolish, and unfair. Truth is, I don't think I'd lean on someone if they offered it right now. If I told someone everything going on, and they expected me to crack from the stress of it, i really seriously doubt I would. I don't feel all that emotionally invested anymore. The facts are what they are, and the outcome will be what it will be. I can't change that by being distraught and tearful.

Right now, I have to be the strong one. For my dad, for my siblings. No, I'm not alone. My older sister helps as much as she can. But I'm the closest to all this. So I have to bear the brunt of it.

Today, I feel tough as flint. Today, I'm numb to this.

Reflections of Me

 Today I've found my thoughts wandering across the idea of reflections frequently. At first it was silly, just me goofing around with Brock's niece Jayden. We were sitting in Brock's room at his parents house, and she kept leaning over looking in the mirror, saying "That's me!" After doing this several times, she pulled me over and said "Look, its you!" I told her no, that was just my reflection; I'm me. Then we laughed and she moved on to the next thing that grabbed her attention, as most seven year olds do.

But something about what I said stuck with me all day. It was just my reflection....

 I realize that my blogs are rarely insightful; I don't have the greatest writer's voice, I tend to trail off topic, and lose my concentration when writing. It's never professional, or tidy and precise. That used to bother me; but as I've grown up, I've realized it's a reflection of myself. I am not a tidy, professional, precise and direct person. I'm messy, emotional; sometimes I don't think things through all the way. I like to consider myself colorful; a little all over the place, like a piece of splatter art. The older I get, the more variety in color I see in myself.  I'm a silly woman, with big dreams, and I like to think I have a good heart. I've had my fair share of trouble. I've caused my fair share of pain and grief. There are things I've done I'm not proud of, and I try to believe that being able to admit where I went wrong makes me a better person.
I know there are people, more people than I even know of, who don't like me; people who think I'm horrible, or that they're better than me. I don't doubt there are people who gossip about me. But you know something? That's life.
The older you get, the more these things I've listed become true. Sadly, not everyone is your best friend just because you say hi like it used to be when we were children. It's a fact that there are those you will never understand, never really get along with.
As adults, we tend to pass judgment too quickly, speak before we think, act on an impulse. It's just the dirty facts of life.
I'm a kid at heart. I try to see the best in others; I hate that my feelings get hurt too easily, that I care about others more than I should. I'm nicer to people who have deliberately tried to hurt me than I should be, and I forgive people more easily than some think I should. Despite myself, I try to give everyone a second chance; sometimes multiple second chances. That's just me. I can't change that about myself, though i know I'd be better off if I could.

The ones who gossip about me, the ones who like to think they're better than me and drag my name through the mud, they don't realize these things about me. And there are a rare few who do, and turn a blind eye to what they know. But what they say is no reflection on me. It's a reflection on themselves. Just like every bad thing I say about someone is really a reflection on me, not them. Actions do speak louder than words; but what some people don't see is that its their own actions speaking about them; we tend to get overly focused on others actions. I'm just as guilty of this as the next person; and trust me, it is a poison to your soul. It clouds your sight, and you can miss the beautiful life you have around you because you become overly focused on someone else.

I guess the point I'm making is that sooner or later you have to decide what's really you, and what's just a reflection. At the end of the day you have to be able to look in the mirror and know the truths from the lies; what's just a reflection, and what's you.

So if you don't like me, for whatever reason, that is your call. Whether you get to know the real me, the human me, or not, doesn't change a thing about who I am.

It's taken just shy of twenty-two years for me to see myself, clear of the judgments from other people, and like myself. Really like who I am, and what I'm heading towards. And it's a freeing realization when you finally know, and I mean really know, that you are more than the reflection of others.

I'm me; messy, silly, colorful, dreamy me. And I love that. You can get to know me, and maybe I'll add something rich and colorful to your life. If you don't, I'll still be me. And that's all that matters.

Desperate

So, a lot has happened in the last few months, and it's got me thinking about how human behavior is affected in tight or desperate situations. I guess I started thinking about it when I watched "I Saw the Devil" a while back. In that movie, there's this man who is a serial killer. In the opening he victimizes a police chief's daughter. As the plot unfolds, vigilante justice is sought out, and the serial killer becomes increasingly rash and desperate. Soon, he's just shooting people to do it; because he knows he's going to get caught.

How many of us know people who are to some degree like this? Becoming reckless in their actions if they know they're going to be caught in a lie? I think we all know someone.
Have you ever thought about all the things that change the way we think or act? It's amazing, really. For instance, fear has such a huge impact on the human mind. It changes perspective; it changes rational.
There are things people would never do under normal circumstances that become, in their mind, the only solution when they're scared. I can say I've done this in my life; I think we can all admit to a time when we've acted foolishly because we feel we're backed in to a corner and can't clearly see any way out.

And there are a number of other things that lead to wild, irrational behavior; anything from fear, to stress, to anger. And I really find it fascinating trying to pick through the actions to try and find the catalyst, the root of the issue. Maybe that's why I love studying psychology and sociology so much.  

Thanks for letting me share my little blurb here =) Sometimes I just need to unravel my thoughts ^.^ I think I'll do a little research now, haha.

Sweet Emotion

So, I rarely write a blog just to brag on someone. I haven't been the 'super mushy' type in my current relationship. My boyfriend knows how I feel about him, and there is no pressure to be super mushy, or a need to go on and on about "my boyfriend" this and "my boyfriend" that.
That being said, everyone deserves to be bragged on every now and then. So, what I am about to do is a first...I'm going to write a blog about my boyfriend, Brock =)

Today is the fourth of July, a significant date in the history of America. I love the fourth; watching big beautiful fireworks going off against as clear night sky, good company and the smell of grilled burgers. It is, despite the heat, what I look forward to the most in the holiday list.
Tonight, my boyfriend made July 4, 2011 a night I'll always remember. After eating a little dinner together, something we do often enough, he took me up to the campus of ECU. We walked around a little, he with his camera out and aimed, taking pictures of the sunset and other things that caught his artist's eye. We've also done this before, and while I enjoyed it, it felt like an ordinary night with him.
 As the sun finally setting, we walked around by the old band room elevator. It was beautiful. The sky was clear, there was a cool breeze from the incoming storms, and slowly we could see various fireworks displays beginning. Holding my hand, he mentioned that it's be nice if we could get up on the roof...
So he led me over to the cafo doors, led me in, and out on to the little catwalk that connects Briles hall and the cafeteria where we climbed on to the roof!!!
I had never been up there. But suffice it to say, it was very romantic.

We walked back to his apartment, hand in hand, with a beautiful finale display of fireworks going off overhead. It was the most perfect fourth I've had in my life.

As I said, I don't usually do blogs like this. But my boyfriend is amazing, and he deserves to be bragged on a little ;) Happy 4th, everyone!