BDD

     So I think I'm just going to jump right in today. I have some serious body image issues. During one of the many conversations I've held over it with my roommates and boyfriend one of my roommates brought up Body Dismorphic Disorder. So I googled it. Its a psychological disorder where the afflicted person obsesses over perceived imperfections in appearance. This sounded a lot like me, so I read through a list of common symptoms and found I have a large number of the symptoms.
     I knew this was a real problem a long time ago. I've never been happy with my body. I honestly think I'm fat but everyone around me says I'm such a small person. My primary obsession is with my tummy. I've always been sensitive about it. Its always looked too big to me. My weight gain a year ago sent me spiraling but even before that I felt fat.
     Let me put it into perspective. At my lowest weight ever, 109 pounds, I was still on a diet. I still felt like I had a noticeable pouch and I worked out furiously every day to make it go away. I'll be completely honest, I am so obsessed with my weight that I would and do skip meals entirely. I've made myself throw up before because I felt I had eaten too much. This is a very real problem for me that I haven't discussed with anyone in detail.
     And in the last year I've fought tooth and nail against my seemingly inevitable weight gain. I got up to 142 pounds and fell into a hard depression because of it. That's when I began skipping meals. I got down to 124, and decided to give myself a break from the scale obsession. And in the month I wasn't vigilante I got back up to 134. I feel enormous. I'm not comfortable in my own skin and I never have been. I have to start taking steps to address this. I try to talk about it with the people around me but I feel like everyone is sick of hearing about it. But it still eats at me.
  Its on my mind all day every day, just a constant stream of negative thoughts and trying hard to hide my tummy with the clothes I wear. I wear empire waist dresses and loose fitting t-shirts. I rarely wear anything form fitting.
  I want to see myself the way other people see me. I don't want the constant worry about my weight and shape and stomach. I want, for once, to be truly happy with my body.
  I think I'll take my moms advice and talk to my doctor about this. Maybe she can help me face these problems I'm having.

My Life is a Pill Organizer

Hello blog; its been a while. I don't remember what my last post was, and honestly I didn't look to see, so lets get up to speed.
I lived in Norman for a year or so with a significant other; we broke up last summer and now I've lived in Edmond for a little over a year. I have a new circle of people I interact with, a new significant other, though he's always been there in the background so it doesn't really feel new. While in Norman I finally braved facing a psychiatrist and got my diagnosis. Bipolar type two. Along with PTSD and some heavy anxiety. For the  last two years now I've been treating these issues. Most days I can cope  with it all but it's boiled down to my entire life revolving around a pill organizer and  all the medications I fill with it. Everything from my anti psychotic, to sleeping pills to pills that stop the nightmares...most nights. I've been going through the stages of grief, only I've been grieving for the person I could have been. Someone with no confidence issues. Someone who doesn't get a panic attack driving somewhere new. Someone who got out and explored her surroundings instead of the girl who stays home when she's not at work because it's easier than new experiences and opening up to new people. Someone who wasn't afraid of letting people in. Because to be honest, I can be a social butterfly but it's all an act. I'm actually terrified of letting anyone see who I really am because in my past that's been too much for a normal person to handle. I'm too much for most people to handle, and I hate that about myself. I hate all these things about myself. I can't seem to find a way to love the person I am, though life would be more enjoyable if I could. I know I need to reach a point of acceptance but that's hard to do, you know? I look at my boyfriend, and I envy his ability to genuinely love himself first and foremost. He's never struggled with image issues, and though he's a bit rough around the edges he lets people in. He doesn't dish himself out in moderation, he delivers it all or nothing. And most people choose all. I know I did, and the friends I have now did. How do you wake up every morning and love the person you see in the mirror? How do you find happiness in being yourself? For a long time I was in denial about any of this in myself. I've been depressed over these thoughts, and now I'm just angry. It's not fair. And it may sound like a pity party, or a pouting fit, but goddamnit it's not fair. I wish I didn't have to deal with this shit. I wish I could see myself in someone else's eyes for just one day. Am I as much of a mess to other people as I am to myself? I feel like I have to climb a mountain every day of my life and even when I reach the top I still feel low. Am I always going to be this way? I'll tell you what I see when I look in the mirror. I see pimples. I see fat. I see buck teeth. I see bags under my eyes. I see sadness. I'm sick and tired of seeing all this every morning when I wake up. I'm ready for it to change but I don't know where to start. All the negative thoughts overwhelm me and it's all I can see. And sure I can talk to my mom about all this and get some reassurance from her. And sure if I told my boyfriend any of this he'd tell me that's dumb and not true. But you know what? It doesn't change me. It doesn't change me tearing myself apart piece by piece. It doesn't change the fact that I'm broken. I'm terribly broken and I don't know if I'll ever be a real, whole person. I hope to God I will be one day. But something has to change for that to happen. Right now, I don't know how to relax. I don't know how to have fun. I pretend at it all, and it's getting harder and harder to keep it up. I'm broken and it's all I see. Logically I know that there are upsides to me. I'm good at my job. I love teaching pre-k. I can be funny and witty. sometimes I even feel pretty.
But those days are few in number. Most days lately I just feel restless and broken.
I'm scared. I'm scared I'll never learn to love myself the way other people love me. I'm scared of staying in one place for too long because what if everyone else wakes up and sees how broken I am? Nobody would want me around if they saw all the things I see. I don't know why it hasn't happened yet, but I feel haunted by the idea that it will. That everyone will leave me because I'm beyond repair.
And I'm just so sick of feeling like this. I thought getting the anti-depressant combined with everything else would make me a happier person. But I'm realizing it's going to take more than my pill organizer to make me whole. I need to talk to someone about all of this. I just can't find the words to explain it to anyone around me. I don't even try because who could understand it? I don't even understand it.
I'm so angry. Just...sick and tired and angry.
I want to be better than this. I have to believe I CAN be better than this. I need to find a way to accept myself as I am, to accept all my broken pieces and my flaws and the person they form. I have to find a way through these fears, or I'm going to be buried alive.
I started going to group therapy. I go again this Saturday. Maybe I can start there. Maybe someone there will understand what it's like to feel broken and helpless. Because I don't think anyone else can.
And the real kicker is, I don't know if I want to tell anyone around me that this is what's going on under the surface. I don't want to bother them with my personal issues. But maybe that's just me being afraid to let anyone close enough to tell them all this. I don't know how to begin to open up. Maybe that's what I'll talk about in group. I guess I have to start somewhere. I can't go on hating myself like this.

Twenty-four

This summer, at the end of July, on what is very likely to be one of those remarkably hot, record setting days, I will turn twenty-four. As every passing birthday does, this will make me want to stop and look back over the years of my life and evaluate...what am I doing here? Where am I heading? What do I want?

The older I get, the scarier answering these questions get. What do I have to show for myself in the last twenty-four years of existence? What have I learned that I really value? Even more importantly what have I contributed to the Universe that saw a need for my existence all those years ago? It can be so easy to start comparing myself to others my own age and feel like I'm coming up short.
 In twenty-four years, I have completed grade school, middle school, high school, and several slow tries at college, which still proves to be steady going. I have competed and won countless competitions, picked up and excelled at numerous hobbies, mastered the saxophone then quit, worked several jobs that recognized in me strong potential for great leadership, read a million books, wrote a hundred different blogs, dreamed endless dreams, faced and conquered fears, and put off facing other fears I knew I wasn't ready for.
 I have fallen in love a handful of times, broken as many hearts as have broken my own, made promises I couldn't keep, made vows I didn't keep, gotten married and divorced in the span of a year, lost many friends and gained a few more closer friends.
 I've cried a sea of tears. I have laughed a symphony of joy. I have sang along to every song on the radio, poured my heart and soul into a Capella shower performance of my favorite love songs, shared thousands of meals with loved ones, and yearned for the impossible.
 I have spent my life getting to know the one person who will always be with me...myself. I know every ugly thing about myself I wish I could change but know I can't. I know all the wonderful things about me that I hope with all my heart outweigh the darkness that inevitably lives in all of us. I have learned secrets about myself; deep desires I didn't realize I had. Power and strength I didn't see before, the kind that only comes with age and experience. I have seen myself through situations that would turn hearts hard and shoulders cold and yet I remained soft and warm to those around me. At the same time, I have walked through agonizing circumstances that have left me with a more jaded perspective; a weary resolve to have a care for my heart, and a bitter-sweet acceptance that even those who love you best will let you down, hurt you, and break you.
 I have made enemies, and i have made life long friends I know will support me. I've seen a side to people I never knew existed even with years of friendship. I've found my weaknesses. I've accepted that there are people in my life I quite honestly couldn't do without, and I hope they feel the same.
 I have accepted that though I ask the questions, there may be no answer. There are zero certainties in life. Sometimes it has to be good enough to not know, because there are no other options. Promises are impossible things we make to soothe our own uncertainty about the future. The only real promise anyone can make and keep is to always try.

 No; I haven't accomplished a great deal of academia. I never lived a typical college kid life.  What I have done is, simply put, live. I have lived an incredible, messy, exhilarating life. I have very little figured out and put together. But every experience is hands on and larger than life for me.
 Ironically, I became a teacher; everyday is a new adventure, a new opportunity to create and foster an incredible learning environment that these little two to four year old kids want to be. That's the most incredible part of my adult life.

I can say with confidence that I know who I am. I am not something that can be written into a paragraph, neatly summed up in a few eloquent sentences. I am ME; I am messy, unpredictable humanity at its finest. Where I am heading has yet to be determined, because my life is an adventure and each day brings something new. And what I want? To enjoy the journey. And anything that might happen along the way.

For Confidence

 In my life, there is no such thing as small troubles. When bad luck sets its sights on me, it does it in a big way; go through a bout of depression, separate from my husband, and then my grandpa dies. Need to find a new job, big family problems happen. I know bad things never happen one at a time for anyone, but c'mon, don't you get sick of it?? Start having conflicts at work, money and personal effects starts going missing from where I was living, and my car starts screwing up. The room mate ends up being psychotic, and tries to "ruin my life."That's the most recent; happened about three weeks ago now. After that, my self confidence took a hit. I started feeling jealous for no real reason. I was just insecure about everything. Thank God for my best friend: my boyfriend; and thank God for all my other wonderful friends who don't realize how they impact my self confidence everyday. I had a long conversation with my boyfriend, and I realized, thanks to him, that I always underestimate myself. I always expect the worst, and it makes me seem meek, and it puts limits in my own mind. I spend so much time subconsciously worrying over the littlest, most trivial things that I end up missing the bigger picture. And so, after we talked, I spent some serious time re-evaluating my outlook. And it clicked; just suddenly, it all clicked. All the amazing things other people see in me, I suddenly could see myself. I felt like the ugly duckling when he transformed into the beautiful swan. That magical moment with all the lights, and sparkles, where the hero is lifted into the air, spun around and BAM! Transformation. Ever since, my outlook has been different, the way I see myself is different. I woke, and realized EVERYTHING was different...and it feels so good!
 This blog is to act as a documentation of that. A reminder for myself on days when insecurity tries to come creeping back in unannounced and unwelcome. This is not to feed my ego. I'm not doing this out of a feeling of conceit. Everyone should know what their good qualities are, what sets them apart and makes them amazing. For those that are like me, and tend to lose sight of those qualities in themselves, writing out those qualities is a helpful move to stay motivated and confident. So, this is my list, to me from me, about the great things about Aubrey.


1. I am a fantastic actress. I have natural, raw talent for the stage, and I have a wide range of ability. I shine when I do rolls that make me the comedic relief. On stage I assume new confidence that is visible to the audience, in the way I move, look and speak.
2. I make people smile. I see the good inside of everyone, and make them more in tune to it. That's why people usually like me when they meet me.
3. I am friendly and approachable. I have excellent interpersonal skills which makes me excellent in interviews, and customer service jobs. I have a smile that reaches my eyes and people see it a mile away.
4. I am a Jill of all trades; there are a variety of skill sets I am fantastic at, including hair and nails, and making gorgeous boutique style bows.
5. I am a good writer; especially with blogs. I can write something with a target audience that will capture them and hold their attention until the last word. This is a quality that extends to conversation and story telling.
6. I always take a valuable lesson from hardships. I never go through a struggle without seeing the silver lining, and growing from it.
7. I am fantastic with children. I have a big heart, and a genuine attitude that kids can see and love in me; I connect to children in ways that nurture growth and positive attitudes in them.
8. I am genuine. When I care about someone, I really care. I want to know how their day was in detail, what made them happy, what upset them. I actually want to listen to how someones day really was.
9. I know myself; I know what I want in this life, what I need, and who I need to be a part of it. At almost 23, that is an accomplishment in itself.
10. I am beautiful. Not because I have a nice figure, though I do, or beautiful eyes, though I do, but because of all the other things, the inside things. The attitude things. I have value because I am me, and it is not dependent on anyone else, nor does it have to be compared to another. I am beautiful because I am myself.
11. I am dedicated, driven, energetic and a fast learner in any situation. This makes me incredibly hire-able. I will never be without work, because I am flexible and easily taught.
12. I have excellent fashion sense. I shop cheap, but the pieces I find are classic, cute, and will last me years.


These are all things about me that I need to remember; reminding myself of these traits daily is what will continue to promote positive growth in self confidence. It feels good to see all this in myself. And it might appear conceited but you know what? I deserve to feel this good all the time. We all do. So write a list to yourself! See where your self-confidence stands, and what you can do to improve it. Remember those things that set you apart, make you amazing. Self confidence is a beautiful thing, and we all deserve it.

Honesty

I need to get some stuff out in the (virtual) air. I need it out of my mind and off my chest.

 For starters, who in their right mind would think to marry someone they'd been dating barely five months? Let's say that hypothetically the relationship was progressing wonderfully without any hitches so far; would you really feel that marriage was the best route to go ahead and take? But let's say it was your first serious relationship after being *divorced.* Still think it's a great idea? Then excuse me for thinking you an idiot. Yeah, I'm talking about someone specific. My ex is engaged. To a girl he's dated for five months. Who he caught cheating on him a couple months ago. This girl, fyi, is still continuing to cheat on him. Who he fights with off and on. OH, and the topper? She's 17. Yup. I think he's lost his wits.
  Good grief, how dense can some people be??? He's gone so far down hill so fast, I can't help but be irritated with him. He knows better than all this garbage he's doing and saying. And this little girl, this child that he thinks is ready to commit, thinks he's cheating on her with *me* of all people??? How retarded. She's a dumb little girl with a lot of growing up to do. And he is a fool who should have done his growing up after we divorced.

I have never been more thankful for a relationship ending. There is nothing, in retrospect, that would have made staying with him worth it.

And he doesn't believe in God now either???? The guy who was raised in church and completely dedicated to bringing people to God? Wow. I've read some of the things he's written lately; he's completely sold out. He is such a child he couldn't hold on to his own personal beliefs all on his own. What a brat, what an absolute moron. Best of luck to you and that pitiful child you claim to love, Aaryn. You're going to need some serious luck to make anything come of THAT train wreck.

A Tribute to a New year

Oh, 2011, what to say about you? So much happened in this one year. My relationships have evolved, deepened, and proven their worth. Some, more so than others. Some relationships ended for the better. I've learned that it is easier said than done to forgive and forget; and that truly forgiving someone takes time, patience, and resolve. Sometimes, you can't find the forgiveness for someone that you were looking for. And that can be okay; because when you can't forgive someone, you can walk away. You can leave them in your past, block them from your present and look forward to your future. That is an equally remarkable feeling, I'm sure.
 I have found happiness. Sure, there are still things that stress me out, or get to me. But the joy I feel in living far outweighs the annoyances. I have my health; I have a good semester of school behind me, and the knowledge that all the semesters ahead for me will be even better. I've proven to myself that I can do things I once thought I wasn't cut out for. That's empowering, because now I really truly believe that the only thing that holds me back is myself. I feel like I've matured in many ways; I'm finally growing into myself and getting more and more comfortable with myself. For the first time, I really know who I am, or at least who I am becoming. I don't feel lost when I stand on my own, without an SO, a parent, anyone holding my hand. Now, I am just grateful for those people in my life who willingly step up and choose to stand by me.  When i was 19, I felt like I would drown on my own. Like no matter what I did, I would fail, and I would have no one there to pick me up. Of course, that isn't true, because we all have loved ones who would never let us fall on our faces and not even offer a helping hand. But at the time, I was terrified to do it on my own. To live alone, to go to school without anyone I knew, to drive myself places, to do anything at all on my own. I was still a kid, and I didn't know how to grow up. It's been three years, and that girl seems like a stranger. In ways, I feel more like the girl I was when I was 18; at 18 I was fearless, excited for life, and discovery. I was bright eyed and ambitious. Now at 22, I feel I've reclaimed that ambition, and that sense of excitement and desire for adventure. There is nothing to stop me from going as far as I want to go. And 2011, you helped me see this.

In my last three hours of 2011, I'm reflecting on the steps I've taken, and the accomplishments I've made.

I've found a way to adjust to the changes that have come to my relationship with my parents, and other relatives.

I've learned how to take care of myself. To really take care of myself.

I'm learning my limits with other people, and recognizing those boundaries. A person can only give so much of themselves, before it runs them dry.

I found forgiveness for my ex-husband. Sounds odd, right? Believe it or not, there were things I needed to forgive him for. There was a lot of pain he caused me, even before it all ended. I forgive him, and myself, mostly for being the children we were when we tried to do something so grown up. It is what it is, and it is part of who I am. I hope 2012 brings him real joy, and that he too can grow and discover who he really is.

 For another, I could not find forgiveness. Some people will take advantage of a forgiving nature, and she is that type. But I walked away. I stood up for myself, and I told her exactly what I needed to. That was all it took. Now she has no power in my life, and no access to it.

I found a man who I can really trust with everything. He's always been there for me, from the very beginning. And it feels so easy with him. I know that as long as we are together, he'll give every bit as much as I do. I'm with him because it's what we both want; there's no dependency; I don't need him to give me value anymore than he needs that from me. I am my own person, I am not defined by our relationship. And that's a great place to be in. I am excited to see the future we have together unfold, and comforted in knowing I'll always have my best friend.

I've learned more about people I once made assumptions about; I've gotten the chance to see their lives, and find a new kind of respect for them and what they deal with.

I've gotten closer to my boyfriend's parents, two incredibly remarkable people. They have such kind, generous hearts, and they have stepped up to help me in ways I never expected. I try to let them know every chance i get how grateful I am for all their kindness.

I've gotten an opportunity to step in and get closer to a good friend. You can't take something like that for granted, and I hope she knows that her friendship means so much to me!

I've made new friends, and they rock :) They're awesome, and we relate so well. It's great to know people like them!

I've had some serious shit to deal with this last year; but all of the things I have learned, all the things I have experienced....they make all the troubles worth it :) As do all the people who have been with me through this year.

So, as we say goodbye to the year 2011, I have to say, it could have been worse. I look forward to 2012, and all the adventure it comes with :)

Happy New Years everyone!

What Really Grinds my Gears; Revised

 Three days ago, on Sunday night, I sat down to write a blog. Scratch that, a vent. Today I got on to my blogger with the goal of finishing and posting that blog. I re-read what I had wrote. This blog was full of anger, confusion  and disgust; I said some pretty venomous things, and while I can't say I didn't mean those things, I can say that a few days to reflect on what upset me to begin with was for the best. There is a time and a place for all things; and some, should never be given a time or place to begin with. Like hateful things. Those things that leak anger and resentment into your day to day world. Those are things we have to learn to rise above and move past, because it can poison you when yo allow those things to control you in any way.
  Suffice it to say that in my adult life, many people have said some pretty nasty things about me, and made some very unfounded accusations. While the initial reaction may be to lash out in "righteous anger" that's not the way to deal with gossip and slander. All lashing out does is fuel their fire. The best way to retaliate is to do...nothing. For one, gossip dies out. For another, the best way to prove your character is over time. With time and a constant attitude, the people who spread the slander will see they have nothing to support it; nothing but hear say and assumptions.
 And in the days I reflected on what things were said about me, and dealt with my own reaction to them, I had to see that these things were said quite a ways back. And none of it has been repeated or spread any time recently. In a way, I feel satisfied with the knowledge that I have remained true in character, and have shown, simply by remaining constant, that I am not what some would accuse me to be.
  God works in his own time; and that's how I choose to feel about this. Yes, some very rude and uncalled for things were said and done in hopes of hurting me, in one way or another. But time has been on my side; not my time, but God's time; and I feel good about that.

 As a little example of this, I'll use my ex and the people we knew when we were together. My ex said some seriously nasty things about me; he did some pretty ugly things to hurt me too in the after math of our divorce. Rather than fueling his fire and burning myself, I said not a word. He vented, accused me of being crazy among other things, and no doubt he convinced some people of these things. People who didn't know me. I kept my peace. The only person i have ever told anything negative to is Brock, and that is because I would trust him with everything. And there is a good deal of negative I could have spread about him. But.....Of all the people we knew as a couple, who really knew me, I can't think of one who truly bought that I was the evil two headed monster I was made out to be. I've run in to several of them, and am even working for one. And they all know me; they know who I am at the core. And they still like me, and care about me. And I am thankful for that.

I've been fortunate in having a good up bringing, supportive family, a few close friends.....I'll always answer a question with honesty, even if you don't want to hear it. And I'll always love unconditionally. These are just a few things I am grateful for.

So tonight, instead of anger, I feel peace. And I forgive the people who have hurt me in the past, and in the future. Because I want to live my life without resentment. And if you hold a grudge all your life, you're destined for an early grave.

I May Not Know Much

A wolf can hide in sheep's skin. These days, it can be hard to spot the false coin from the real; but I can tell you one thing from experience, when someone speaks against your character, or tries to deface you as a person, it is best to turn the other cheek; Actions will always speak louder than words.

 There are a lot of things I can easily admit I don't know. I may not have the most education behind me; I may not be the most informed on current events, or fashion, or politics. I am okay with not knowing everything.

Some things I do know. I know my heart; I know who I am, what I stand for, and I want out of this life. I know that when someone asks me a direct question, I will give them an honest answer. That's how I was raised. I know I won't win over every heart in the world; I know there are many who will never like me, and others still who will spend their time defacing my character, and talking down about me. These are things I know, understand, and am okay with. "C'est le Vie." That's life. I know I have a good loving heart, honest intentions, and open mind, a forgiving nature, a sharp mind for learning, and a faith in God that has been put to the test and come out stronger every time. I know, also, that I am flawed. I am human, and prone to mistakes. I've made my fair share in this life, and I don't forget it.
 All of these things, I know about myself. And I am unwavering in my certainty that I know myself, as a woman, a spiritual being, and as a human full of emotion, passion and flaw.

 When someone speaks poorly of my character, when they pass snap judgments, or conspire about my doings, I won't lie. It hurts. And then, I remember something. I remember I was made for greater things than succumbing to gossips, and to liars. I have been fearfully and wonderfully made for something more than hiding my face because someone else tried to shame me. You can't *make* someone feel shame; that feeling rises as a response to an action. And I will CHOOSE to not feel shame where it is not warranted.

There are always going to be people who will talk badly about me; people who will always assume I'm just a liar and a cheat. A user. Let people assume what they want. They don't know me like I do, like my family and friends do. And that's enough for me.

Conflicted Sympathy

  Is it just me, or has this month been just insane?? It seems like every time I turn around, someone else has passed away, gotten sick, had surgery, or has found out they are having a baby. It's just one thing after another; it has me on my toes, wary of every corner or night time outing, because it just seems like this month has been so unlucky. Especially with deaths. And I don't mean to sound insensitive about it. It's just something I've noticed.

  What I find particularly difficult, though, is the feelings of empathy for all these people who are losing their loved ones. To be more direct, I've had a hard time with it today. My immediate reaction when I hear someone is passed is to extend my condolences to the family and friends left grieving. Losing someone is never easy; losing someone unexpectedly is even worse, because there's the pain of the loss combined with shock. And I feel overwhelming sympathy in such cases. The reason this has been so hard tonight, is because of a conflict with *who* has lost someone.
  It sounds awful to me that I have to reconsider extending my sympathy to someone because of who they are and how they have behaved towards me. I feel like it shouldn't be a factor in times of grief and today, it has most definitely become a factor.
 I feel I can't approach this person, even to tell them how sorry I am for their loss, because they have, time and time again, treated me with no respect. They have used and abused every extension of help, or offer of friendship, that I have ever given them. So to tell them how sorry I am to hear that they lost a loved one...seems like it would be unwelcome, and/or unappreciated. I hate that. Everyone deserves sympathy, kindness and prayer when they are hurting from the loss of a loved one....but how can a person offer those things to someone who clearly could care less about you yourself? =/ It's an inner battle to keep from sending even the shortest of messages......
 How sad it must be to know you've pushed away so many genuine people who wanted to be your friend, who would have been there for you in your times of need...how incredibly sad.

  I wish it were different; that we could get along, even enough for cordiality. But this person has proven time and again that they have no desire to be genuine with me.....and on principal, I cannot extend my sympathies.

This makes me feel like an awful person.....I was taught that you should over look things, when someone is hurting...with this person, I just..can't. Ah, but I guess life will go on. And so will I, as I always have.

Work Rant

  I don't usually talk a lot about my job, or the work I do. I especially try not to complain about it, even on days when it can be pretty annoying. I just know that it's not interesting to anyone outside Dollar General, and I don't like to bore anyone to tears with it (except for Brock). But tonight...tonight was rant worthy.

  Anyone who pays any attention at all the the posts I make everyday on Facebook knows that I am hoping to get promoted to third key holder with Dollar General, and have, or had, good reason to believe that I'd be getting this from the store I currently work at. All my managers have said I do wonderful at work, I always know what needs to be done, always get it done, I never complain and I never have a problem asking a question if I need to. I'd been told by one manager that I was being looked at and considered for the position a few months back. So, for the last month and a half or so, I've been at the store 90% of my time, working hard, doing more than the minimum that's required of me, and over all kicking butt at my job. The customers love me, my bosses love working with me, and very few, actually only one, of my co-workers don't get along with me. In short, I am doing everything I can to prove to my boss that I not only can handle the position, but that I deserve it.

 Now, I should make it clear that I don't work with the store manager all that much; maybe twice in three weeks of shifts will I actually work a full shift with her. I should also mention that she has a tendency to become preoccupied, and I often have to remind her of things, or wait until last minute to tell her.

That being said, we come to today. I went in to work at 4pm, and find myself working with the current third key holder. After clocking in, and cleaning up behind my register a bit, she asks me "Have you met the new lady?" New lady?? Hmm. So I tell her no, what new lady? "Oh, the new third key." I was almost sure I had heard her wrong. "New third key?" I ask. To which she replies, yeah. Oh you have got to be kidding me. That's all I could think. So after a second, I blurt out "Well I guess I'm going to be transferring then."
 I know, a rather rash response, but let me break this down. Two months ago, I asked my boss to consider me for any key holder positions that may open up; she said she would. Our assistant manager, who is my favorite to work with, just got promoted to store manager and was moved to his own store. So I knew she'd be looking to fill third key; I had thought she'd remember I wanted it, would interview me, and that would be that. But, for whatever reason, she instead brought in an older woman, who has no management experience, and has never worked with Dollar General before. The general idea is that she had worked in a store similar to it before; but it's clearly been a LOOOONG time since then considering the woman who is supposed to be management had no idea what a scanner gun was, or what it was for...you know, that gun thingy we cashiers sometimes use for bigger objects? Yeah...I have no idea why this woman, who is no more qualified and maybe even less qualified for this job, is strutting around calling herself the "New assistant."

So, I'm furious, and insulted, and confused. It's a slap in my face, after all the hard work I've put in, especially since all my managers, including store manager, have said I am one of the best workers they have. So I don't know why I was overlooked. Especially for this woman >.>

I promised myself months ago I'd transfer if I didn't get promoted, because working with my current manager on my schedule and stuff is such a hassle; every other week there's some problem. She'll schedule me on a day she knows I can't work, or a day I'm in class. She forgets when I tell her I have to be gone on certain days. She never tells me if my schedule changes. It's not worth it if she's going to overlook the hard work I put in for her and the company. It's not worth it at all if I'm not being appreciated. So, maybe I'll just transfer to the store I know I will be appreciated at. Even if I don't get third key there, at least I'd be encouraged and thanked for what I do.

End Rant.

Life: A Crash Course

Do you ever have days where you feel like you've been thrown into a crash course in life? Today is kind of one of those days.
 Growing up can be painful. Not physically, though I'm sure getting taller can't feel great (not that I would know =P) But more so an emotional and situational form of growing up. It's hard to see where the lines crossing in to adulthood lie, and it can take you by surprise when you suddenly find yourself past that line.

  I feel like that's happening to me. Not for the first time, of course. But then, who really "grows up" in one fell swoop? Not this girl, that's for sure. I'm finding myself in a new level of this whole growing up business; working, paying bills, budgeting, going to school, paying for school. It's all so grown up that sometimes I look at it all and wonder "When the hell did that happen?" Sometimes, I look in the mirror, and wonder when did I grow up When did I stop looking like a twig and start looking...like this? Not that I think I look bad =P Although I wish my skin would clear up all the way =( breakouts at 22 are no fun.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to a time where I only worked for spending money. I didn't have to worry about anything but twenty dollars for my gas tank and tips for snacks the next day at school.
Sometimes, I wish I could still be the child....and be able to know my parents will take care of everything.

But the fact is, I am 22. I am living away from home, and everyday I am learning new ways to provide for myself, and getting better at the things I've already had a crash course in.

It's sad to think there are people out there who never get past feeling that need to always be cared for; I'm not talking about people who have parents who can support them when they need it, or people who have emotional support, love and care, because we all need those things. I'm talking about people who out right refuse to grow up and learn to take care of themselves. People who have never payed a real bill, or had to make a real budget so they can afford to keep their homes, a tank full of gas and kitchen with food in it.

Sadly, some of these people will and do abuse our welfare system, and make it so that people who have worked hard all their lives and do need the help may one day have to pee in a cup just to get it; how degrading. It angers me to think of the state ever considering making people like my father do this so he can feed my siblings and my mother; just because someone out there is abusing our system. Abusing the offer of a helping hand. Taking and taking while never giving back.
And how many of us have encountered someone who abused our offers of help? Who took from us, but never returned the favors?

 There will always be people who are too afraid to do any real growing up. And, I pity them. As scary as it is knowing all the things I have to do on my own now, I pity them. They are sad people.

Growing up is a fascinating, terrifying, and exhilarating life experience. Don't run away from it just because it looks hard. We are born to grow up. So get out there, and take your own crash courses in life. I promise, when it's over, you won't regret it.

The Big Sister Syndrome

Yesterday, I called my mom. We talked a little while, catching up on the trivial things that happen in the lives of two grown women, when I mentioned something I still cannot wrap my mind around, something that really worried me. A very good friend made a decision that I felt, and still feel, was less than wise. She had asked me my thoughts and advice on this situation before she made up her mind, and I gave it to her with complete candor. I expressed to her all of my concerns, and pointed out several things that were logical reasons to take caution. But, in the end, she went the more risky route (and if you are reading this, friend, please know I love you, like a little sister, and I only want the best for you. Please don't take any offense, as what I'm about to talk about is not directed at you, it's just how I feel overall.) I told my mom how it frustrated me that my friend hadn't taken my advice after asking for it; especially because of the situation, and how I had no idea what she was thinking; it all seemed so sudden, and I couldn't see why my friend who was normally so level headed would do it. That's when my mom stopped me, and told me that I shouldn't spend all my energy worrying about my grown friends. She said I have the Big Sister Syndrome; always trying to direct my loved ones in the direction I saw was right for them. Well, this stopped me in my tracks. I had never thought of it that way.

 I grew up as the oldest despite being one of the middle children out of four. My sister is nine years older than me, and was grown during the majority of me and my other two siblings growing-up years. Both my parents were in school for a good portion of time while I was seven through thirteen. So, I spent a lot of my time watching my younger brother and sister. Four two years, while my mom was in grad school, I spent a few nights of the week being large and in charge at home. I was eleven; and on a couple nights I was in charge of having dinner ready, because my dad had night class. I am a bit of a neat freak, truly as a result of being my mothers daughter, and so I spent Fridays cleaning the house before my mom came home as well.
 I think playing such a vital role in helping my parents those two years altered me in a few ways; I grew up a little faster for it; and I took on a more protective, "second mother" attitude at home. That image I had of myself became ingrained in my personality. This became a problem right after my mom graduated and came back home; I was twelve going on thirteen, and I had gotten so used to being in charge of my siblings, that for the rest of my time at home my parents and I had constant arguments over me acting like a second mother; and my siblings resented me for it for years after I moved out. I can, thankfully, say that I've learned to control this aspect of my behavior. I try hard not to scold my siblings when they do something i think they shouldn't. Now that they are both growing up, Tyler going on 18 and Jessie just turned 16, I try my best to keep my mouth shut and let them do their own growing up. It is a constant battle with myself, but I bite my tongue because I love them, and they have to grow up in their own way.

  When you're an outsider looking in on a situation, it's easy to see things that someone close to it can't. It's also easy to think you know exactly what the person on the inside should do to best handle it. When someone doesn't take this advice, it gets under your skin....
 When you have a personality where you are constantly "protecting" one person or another, even just in your own mind, it becomes increasingly difficult to give the advice that you think is best for someone, and see them not take it. Call it bossiness, nosiness, maybe even stubbornness. But I think my mom hit the nail on the head when she called it Big Sister Syndrome.

All I can say, to any who have experienced this side of my personality, is that it's a work in progress for me. Every day, I see things that I feel I know the best route out of. It's hoe my mind has worked for so much of my life. But every time I catch myself thinking that way, I am trying to remember to let it go, and breathe. There are forces beyond me involved in everyone else's life; we all have to just sit back and breathe, and listen when a friend needs a pair of ears. Sometimes, that's the best thing a big sister can do: just listen.

This is My Space

I love having a blog, because it's my own personal little piece of the internet, that very few people ever visit; as such, I feel secure in venting here. And I have done so off and on since I first got this blog spot.
 My blog spot is not like Facebook; it's not a social network, where everyone I know has access to what I say, and where I have to monitor what I say because it is a social network. But here, I have free reign. I can talk about anything I want; I can talk about anything that bothers me, or creates stress in my life. In my psych class, we're learning about "the talking cure" regarding stress, mental illness, neurosis, etc,. It HELPS to vent. But a wise person will not post vents on networking sites where they can be taken offensively.
 There's a person whose blogs I've followed for a while; shes a really interesting person, and she always has cool things to talk about in her blogs; recently, a girl we both know has started showing how big of an immature, inconsiderate little prick she is; this person wrote a few blogs, did a little venting, but never mentioned the name of the girl, or really vented specifically about her, more so about situations. From what I could gather, this little girl, and I use that term because she is emotionally little and immature, has accused the a fore mentioned blogger of bullying her; something was clearly said to the blogger I follow, because not only did she clean out almost a month's worth of blogs (all which contained the vents regarding the situations with this little girl) but she also deleted her Facebook, which she had created for her own personal use to stay connected with her friends. Now, I understand she wants to give no more fuel to this little girls fire; and I understand the wisdom in saying nothing rather than stooping to another's level of behavior; but I think it is ridiculous that this little girl thinks she can just push people around and make wild, false accusations, just to get her way because she doesn't like when someone calls her out on who she really is. THAT is an unheard of level of childish behavior.

This girl, who has never lived on her own, never supported herself without help, who has taken advantage of every poor soul who ever cared about her, who is lazy and inconsiderate,  who has admitted to using people, especially men, to get what she wants just because she can, who claims to be mature beyond her twenty years, who lives vicariously through others, and has told me in person she is dependent, and cannot be without a man.....this girl needs a serious wake up call.
This girl needs to realize she doesn't even compare to the friends she pushed away. She is not the greatest thing in the world; nor is she the victim of truly tragic circumstances.

And, most of all, she needs to realize how truly pathetic she comes across. I really feel sorry for her. And, in the same coin, I don't. If she's a victim, it is of her own perception. Her life will never improve until she discovers her own self-identity, until she comes face to face with her own flaws and decides to work on them; she will never have greater life satisfaction until she stops playing the victim or martyr every time something happens that is not according to her plans.

And she needs to get it through her fat head that people have a right to vent about things that bother them. If she doesn't want to feel she's the cause, she needs to stop becoming the cause.

BAM. Yeah, I just wrote all that. Who's gonna stop me? The blog police? =P Good night, blog world.

New Beginnings!

 I've come to rely on the mantra "Life is what you make of it." It's pulled me through lots of situations that have, for the most part, felt very out of my hands. And sometimes, it just feels good to have that small sense of control. Really, that's what life is all about. Taking control of the situations you CAN take control of.

The way you think has a huge impact on your quality of living, and your life enjoyment.

Right before school started, I found out I wouldn't be able to get financial aid this semester. I was absolutely certain there was no way I'd go to school after all, and I felt I'd have to give up my dream, the one thing I had been working towards since the end of last semester. I went home thinking this way, talked to my parents about it, and put it out of mind for the night.

If I had continued thinking negatively, I'd have overlooked any options available to me, dropped the semester completely, and given up. Sounds bleak, right?

Instead, I woke up the next morning, looked over my finances, decided I could pay out of pocket, went to the school and dropped to part time instead of full time. I talked to my bosses, started pulling extra shifts, and hopefully, I'll be getting a raise and a promotion.
What changed in one night??

My outlook.

I have wanted to go back to school so badly for a while now. I finally have a direction and a degree plan, and I have actually gotten several classes I need for my degree plan out of the way already. Score!

Yes, my transcript is a sad thing to behold; no, I didn't start out with great promise as a college student. But,I know I will turn that around, starting this semester. I know I will get my degree, even if there are more semesters to come where I pay out of pocket. I know I have family who will help me as best they can, and support me, especially in getting my degree.And, I know that eventually my financial aid will come through, and I will go back to full time. I'll make it; I'm making it everyday. With positive, pro-active thoughts and goals.

So far, classes are great =) I get to take a class with Brock, in his last semester, on Tuesday's and Thursday's,  and I have one class noon on Wednesdays. I'm excelling at my job (not hard given some of the people I work with >.>) and my goal is to make straight A's this semester and get the third key holder position at work. How? I'm not going to tell myself I can't do it! I'm going to keep working hard, and keep proving myself...mostly to me =)

It's not the easiest way; it's certainly not ideal. But I feel good about where I am, and who I am. I can do this, one step at a time. Yayaya!

Ambitious

Tonight, as I sit here too wide awake to find the rest I need, I find myself contemplating the word "Ambitious." Why? Maybe because I am on the brink of picking up where I left off with my education. They say it's harder to go back the older you get; whoever "they" is, "they" were on to something. To go back to college, or to go to college to begin with, requires ambition. It's easy to get caught up with the "real" world; working a full time job, paying bills, learning to make ends meet on your own. It's a whirlpool, and one that will quickly suck away at your time and energy. And for a lot of us, it can suck away our ambitiousness. Just to be perfectly clear while I talk about Ambition, I'm going to add in the definitions I found:

Ambitious
 1.Having Ambition; eagerly desirous of  achieving or obtaining success, power, wealth, a specific goal, etc.: ambitious students.
 2. showing or caused by ambition: an ambitious attempt to break the record.  
 3. strongly desirous: eager: ambitious of love or approval.  
 4. requiring exceptional effort, ability, etc.: an ambitious program for eliminating all slums.


 At this point in my life, I would say my ambitions line up more with the first of these definitions. I have a stronger than ever desire to prove myself, and to achieve the dreams I've had for most of my adult life. I'd say these ambitions solidified in myself around April, when I got involved with theater again. Doing that play, despite the smallness of the role, was an ambition. It was my desire, my strong desire, to get back into something I've always loved to do. And achieving that one small taste of success is what awakened in me an even bigger ambition: to go back to school, and to really do my absolute best.
   When I first went to college, I was eighteen, and fresh out of high school. My ambition at that time? Well, it lined up perfectly with the third definition. I was "strongly desirous" and eager for my family's approval. I spent all of my senior year convincing myself I had to go to college, it was the next step, it was what was expected of me, and my family would be disappointed in me if I told them what I really wanted was to wait a year, to move out on my own, but wait a year to go to school. I thought everyone would be disappointed in me if I told them that going to school was the last thing I really wanted. So, ambitious of their approval, I went. I moved in to the dorms, and started one of the worst academic years of my life. I did miserably, and I have the poor GPA left behind to remind me how poorly I really did. I met some truly wonderful, lovely and inspiring people that year. And I would not take back those relationships, however long they lasted or badly they ended, for anything. I learned a great deal about myself in that year and the ones that followed. But boy, did my academic life suffer.
  Ambition, and being ambitious, is a part of every aspect of life, in one definition or another. It goes hand in hand with drive. And as an adult, those are two things one must, must, must have in order to succeed.

 Tonight, I logged in to myECU, and I took a look at my GPA, and cumulative hours. Folks, let me tell you, it was a sad thing to see. I have my work cut out for me, but you know something? I really have an ambition to do this. As I prepare to go back, and redeem my misguided ambitions of the past, I feel that all of the definitions apply. Going back to school was caused by my ambition to achieve success and my desire to show everyone I am a brilliant young woman, with a lot to offer. But more than that, I want to prove to MYSELF that I am those things. Brilliant, intelligent, capable, and successful. Deep inside, I know I am. And now, I have a strong ambition to see it in myself. I can do this. I will make straight A's this year, and I will bring my GPA up. I will succeed and I am going to get my degree in psychology.

I am making this promise to myself. And I'm not going to let myself back down. It's time to put this drive and ambition to use. And my friends, you will see me achieve these goals. Like my mom has always told me,
"God gave you the best gift you could ever have asked for: a brilliant mind."

I've Watched Too Much Harry Potter

 Sometimes, I really like to read other peoples old blogs. I like to see where they've been, or what they've been through. I find myself analyzing them in a way, drawing lines between events, seeing how it shaped their personality.
   Is it odd that I like to know about old relationships?? It probably is...but it's like a real life novel. I don't mean that to sound like I have no respect for the fact that the blogs i read belong to real people, who at one time really felt a certain way. Because I do, really. I accept that their are parts of everyone's past that will remain there for the rest of their lives, irremovable imprints of events long past.
   I wrote a blog similar to that theory before. That the past shapes the present, and to wish for things to be different is foolish. I just find past relationships interesting. I think there are clues and indicators a person can find from something like an old journal or blog that will unlock levels of understanding, and today that's really all I've done with my free time.
I've been reading some peoples old blogs, and I have found further understanding in doing so.
 I don't know why I feel this need to understand a person, their motivations, their actions, the way they feel about things. I guess on some level all people have that desire to know the people in their lives in that way. But I want to understand *everyone* that way. Even people who hate me. Even people I don't want anything to do with.
Also...I'm snoopy.
 People often times forget things from the past. It's normal, as you move on, old memories fade and in their place new, relevant memories form. But if you blog about it...it's there. It will remain there. Sometimes for years and years, until you either forget it existed, or you delete it.
 Maybe I like to read them because whenever a chapter ends for me, I cut all ties with the past. I delete tangible connections, like blogs, notes, pictures. Even whole profiles on social networks.

 I feel like when Harry Potter falls into the pensive....I don't know if exhilarating is the right descriptive word? It's just....fascinating. I feel like I've gained serious insight into the people whose blogs I read through today. In some cases, it was only confirming things I already suspected.....but those things are things I can not change. Some are just personality quriks. No one can change another's personality. But, some are more about old connections.
 Sometimes, a persons past will always remain connected to them. I have known that these connections exist with people I love and care deeply about for a long time; but when you read something that relates specifically to that connection, it really becomes solid. Tangible even.
 Maybe it's because I've been re-watching Harry Potter....but I feel like I am more like a phoenix when it comes to my past, relationships and otherwise. When something ends for me, it bursts to flame. It dies, leaving nothing but a pile of ash. Then, in the same way a phoenix is re-born from the ashes of its former self, I move forward into the new chapter ahead of me. My past is only ever ashes. 

I don't really feel sad about it. I like that I really can let go of things, and really do move on. I feel bad that there are people, like my ex, who just...don't. It's so unhealthy. Here we are, just shy of a year of being divorced, and I hear he's still locking himself in his room and refusing to eat? There's a line between hurting and self-pity. I know that heartbreak is painful. But broken hearts will only mend when you let them. There's not a person alive who hasn't had their heart broken. Abd we all find a way to continue living, to continue forwards.

I feel like a lot of wise tid-bits have been applicable this week....."A broken heart will mend if you let it"...."let sleeping dogs lie".....
Sometimes, people underestimate the importance of separating the good and bad of our pasts, and knowing when it's wise to look back, and when you need to keep pressing forward.
Feels like those are the lesson's I've been learning in this chapter of my life......man, I have come far. I can't wait to look back a year from now and see even more of how I've grown.

No Regrets

There's a lot on my mind. I don't really have any strong feelings about any of it. It's just there. Sometimes, I like to look back to see how far I've come. It's sometimes a good reminder of things we may need to work on at the moment, or simply encouragement for us to move even further forward. And tonight, I looked very far back. Four years back.
 Four years doesn't sound like the largest chunk of time in the world, but boy does it make a difference. Tonight I read things from so long ago it felt more like an excerpt from fictional drama than something that really happened. It's amazing the way events shape us, and pave the directions our lives go in. I love how some decisions lead you to believe the path will go a certain way, then life intervenes and suddenly the people you thought you'd never see again are the most important parts of your life. The human heart has such a capacity for healing, and for love. The heart could be called fickle. It's so easy for the feelings of a moment to change in an instant; but that's why you can't lean only on emotion.
 I can see more clearly now than before how much I have changed. I owe so much of that to the path paved for me by certain catastrophic events in my life; poor decision making led me to a place where I had chances to clarify for myself who I am in this world, who matters to me, what matters to me....I also had a really good opportunity to delve into and solidify my religious beliefs. It's easy to say there are things I'd change in my past...sometimes, I wonder if I went back in time, would I warn myself that getting married was an awful idea? Or to not give up on a friendship that had meant so much to me? However often I wonder these things, I'll never go back and warn myself of anything. And in a way, I'm thankful.
 A good friend told me, after my divorce, that we have to learn how to separate the good memories from the bad, and hold onto just those. I'm in a place in my life where I've been able to do that, finally. So, if you asked me if I had any regrets.....I think I'd have to say no. No, I don't think I regret anything that's happened in my life. No, I don't wish things had gone differently. Because I would not be the me sitting here writing this now if things had been different.
 My ex-husband and I weren't the best for each other. We had little in common, and argued over most things. We each asked and expected too much of each other; things we would never be able to give one another. I really feel we were too young to know what we were getting in to, and we both had too much to work on in ourselves, to much for God to work on in each of us individually, for forever to have been a real possibility. But, I don't really regret the time I spent on that relationship. If I were to narrow it down to the last, say, nine months we were together, then maybe I'd say I'd change all of it. But, I have to remember that almost three years of my life was spent in that relationship, and if I said there weren't good times I'd be a liar. Who we are now, since we've been apart, are radically different than who we were together three years ago. It's just a fact. But that time in my life is a part of who I am now. It's irreversible.
The same goes for others. I could say I wish what I have now had come sooner. But would the relationship and life I have now have been as strong had it happened? I could be bothered by how much
In the same way, there are other people who have played roles in parts of my life that have become a part of who I am today. At one time, when I was a reckless young 18 year old girl,  I faced an ordeal with two other people I thought I'd never live past. I thought my heart would stop, I hurt so badly in those moments. And I know they hurt too. Some for far too long over it all. We thought we wouldn't get past it. But, we all did. We all lived past it, and moved forward, and grew from it. I can't say I regret any of it; because it helped me grow, and learn. And I hope that they can say the same.
 I know I've been much less religious since my divorce. I don't post scripture, or "Praise God" this and that very often. But tonight I feel a strong urge to say a little thank you prayer to my Creator.... he always stretches me further than I believe possible. And He always brings me to a peaceful, precious place in life, no matter the obstacles I face.
He has placed people all throughout the last four years of my life who have helped me learn more about myself, whether it be good or bad, and grow stronger from all those experiences. It never ceases to amaze me when I look back and see how much He has done.

So, do you live regret free? Maybe it's time you sat down and separated the good memories from the bad so that you can hold on to all the things you learned through those experiences.
Life is too short to waste time wishing things had been different. We are not promised a tomorrow. Live in today, and be thankful for it. Be thankful for all of it, because those things you thought would kill you only made you stronger. And that, my friends, is the truly beautiful thing about this life we've been given.

Don't Bring me Down: Thoughts on the Power of Words

You know what the best thing I've done for myself lately is? Eliminating any sort of contact with people who really get under my skin. It's so cleansing to get rid of the ones who bring you down. I never realized just how much some people really got to me; and Brock was so right when he told me a month or so ago that I was letting them win every time I let them get to me.

It's not that I try to rise to the bait, or that I let things get to me in a cognitively aware way, it's just a personality quirk. Even as a kid, my parents always told not to "Rise to the bait." But I am a very emotionally  in tune person, and I'll admit it can be too easy for others to press my buttons.

This is where I want to give myself a pat on the back. I feel I've made some serious progress on this part of me. Even at eighteen, I was too quick to anger, and easily agitated. My friend Jake used to get such a kick out of it, because he barely had to say two things, and I'd be riled up and agitated. I'm often told I'm funny when I'm angry; but let me tell you, when you're the one getting angry it's not NEARLY so funny.

All my life, my sensitivity to others has been a problem. I've always read too much in to other people's actions and words, always taken offense when I should have sought out clarity.  Jake was just one of many who found and pressed my buttons too easily for cheap entertainment. Some found them on accident, but once pressed I went off like a geyser. I stopped writing blogs while angry or agitated for those very reasons; all it did was take a bad situation and make it worse.

Isn't it amazing how much damage can be done with a few careless words, or sentences? In the book of James, the tongue is described as the rudder to a great ship. If that doesn't give you just 

the perfect image on how much importance goes on what we say, than I don't know what will.

Another verse I'm fond of a friend of mine actually posted on Facebook this week:

‎"My experience shows that those who plant trouble and cultivate evil will harvest the same." Job 4:8 NLT

Again, I really feel this can apply to what we say. People just don't realize how much they need to 

watch what they say; half the time, we don't realize when we begin planting trouble for others; anything from mild gossip to outright lies, and generalized speculations about other people. And 

when we do start stirring up trouble, it comes back to us, sometimes tenfold. So, this week, I'm taking these verses to heart; because life is too short to get distracted and waste time on people who don't lift you up or enrich your life =) I like focusing on all these great things in my life and all the great people who do lift me up much better.

Personality Test

My Personality

Neuroticism	28
Extraversion	63
Openness to Experience	77
Agreeableness	60
Conscientiousness	56

You very rarely feel depressed and are usually in a good frame of mind, however you experience panic, confusion, and helplessness when under pressure or stress. You lead a leisurely and relaxed life. You would prefer to sit back and smell the roses than indulge in high energy activities. You are a moderately imaginative person who enjoys a good balance between the real world and fantasy. You find helping other people genuinely rewarding and are generally willing to assist those who are in need. You find that doing things for others is a form of self-fulfillment rather than self-sacrifice, however you mostly assume that people are honest and fair, however you are wary and hold back from trusting people completely. You are well-organized and like to live according to routines and schedules. Often you will keep lists and make plans.

Free Poll jewelry

Numb

There's so much going on...it's been so easy to forget how much is really happening until today. I hate seeing my dad broken. I hate hearing him cry. It kills the little girl in me. It makes me grow up a little more than I'm ready to every time it happens.Because when you're dad is hurting, who takes care of him? It's a difficult concept, thinking about who takes care of the person that always took care of you. And part of me felt, at one time, that it wasn't right that I should be facing this now when most kids don't have to consider it till they have grandchildren of their own. I felt so unprepared for it when it all first happened.
I now have to think in terms of how to take care of my parents. I am still not used to it.

I talked to my dad today. That's what brought this on. More trouble on the home front. We knew this would be a long road back in February when it all came to light.....but being prepared for a long walk is not enough to prepare you for having to carry others down that same path.
When i talked to him, I heard myself like a person standing on the outside looking in would hear me; I was calm, completely collected, completely factual. "Yes, this has been really hard on you. It's okay to feel the stress..you've been through a lot, but things are n your favor right now."

I'm not that person. I'm usually the emotional mess....and I guess I was, at first. Now I'm just...numb. I care...don't get me wrong, I really do. But I have nothing left to say about it. No tears left to shed over it. I want a certain outcome for my dad's sake, not mine. Because I don't need anything. My dad does. I have what I need in my life; I have support, and love. And in turn I have support and love to give. But I'm not their little girl anymore. I don't have tears for the difficult situation we're faced with. I am just tired, and ready for the resolution.

I wonder if people realize how much stress can force a girl to grow up in just five months? I doubt it.

I could be bitter about things; I could resent people for their ignorance of my family situation. But that's foolish, and unfair. Truth is, I don't think I'd lean on someone if they offered it right now. If I told someone everything going on, and they expected me to crack from the stress of it, i really seriously doubt I would. I don't feel all that emotionally invested anymore. The facts are what they are, and the outcome will be what it will be. I can't change that by being distraught and tearful.

Right now, I have to be the strong one. For my dad, for my siblings. No, I'm not alone. My older sister helps as much as she can. But I'm the closest to all this. So I have to bear the brunt of it.

Today, I feel tough as flint. Today, I'm numb to this.