A Tribute to a New year

Oh, 2011, what to say about you? So much happened in this one year. My relationships have evolved, deepened, and proven their worth. Some, more so than others. Some relationships ended for the better. I've learned that it is easier said than done to forgive and forget; and that truly forgiving someone takes time, patience, and resolve. Sometimes, you can't find the forgiveness for someone that you were looking for. And that can be okay; because when you can't forgive someone, you can walk away. You can leave them in your past, block them from your present and look forward to your future. That is an equally remarkable feeling, I'm sure.
 I have found happiness. Sure, there are still things that stress me out, or get to me. But the joy I feel in living far outweighs the annoyances. I have my health; I have a good semester of school behind me, and the knowledge that all the semesters ahead for me will be even better. I've proven to myself that I can do things I once thought I wasn't cut out for. That's empowering, because now I really truly believe that the only thing that holds me back is myself. I feel like I've matured in many ways; I'm finally growing into myself and getting more and more comfortable with myself. For the first time, I really know who I am, or at least who I am becoming. I don't feel lost when I stand on my own, without an SO, a parent, anyone holding my hand. Now, I am just grateful for those people in my life who willingly step up and choose to stand by me.  When i was 19, I felt like I would drown on my own. Like no matter what I did, I would fail, and I would have no one there to pick me up. Of course, that isn't true, because we all have loved ones who would never let us fall on our faces and not even offer a helping hand. But at the time, I was terrified to do it on my own. To live alone, to go to school without anyone I knew, to drive myself places, to do anything at all on my own. I was still a kid, and I didn't know how to grow up. It's been three years, and that girl seems like a stranger. In ways, I feel more like the girl I was when I was 18; at 18 I was fearless, excited for life, and discovery. I was bright eyed and ambitious. Now at 22, I feel I've reclaimed that ambition, and that sense of excitement and desire for adventure. There is nothing to stop me from going as far as I want to go. And 2011, you helped me see this.

In my last three hours of 2011, I'm reflecting on the steps I've taken, and the accomplishments I've made.

I've found a way to adjust to the changes that have come to my relationship with my parents, and other relatives.

I've learned how to take care of myself. To really take care of myself.

I'm learning my limits with other people, and recognizing those boundaries. A person can only give so much of themselves, before it runs them dry.

I found forgiveness for my ex-husband. Sounds odd, right? Believe it or not, there were things I needed to forgive him for. There was a lot of pain he caused me, even before it all ended. I forgive him, and myself, mostly for being the children we were when we tried to do something so grown up. It is what it is, and it is part of who I am. I hope 2012 brings him real joy, and that he too can grow and discover who he really is.

 For another, I could not find forgiveness. Some people will take advantage of a forgiving nature, and she is that type. But I walked away. I stood up for myself, and I told her exactly what I needed to. That was all it took. Now she has no power in my life, and no access to it.

I found a man who I can really trust with everything. He's always been there for me, from the very beginning. And it feels so easy with him. I know that as long as we are together, he'll give every bit as much as I do. I'm with him because it's what we both want; there's no dependency; I don't need him to give me value anymore than he needs that from me. I am my own person, I am not defined by our relationship. And that's a great place to be in. I am excited to see the future we have together unfold, and comforted in knowing I'll always have my best friend.

I've learned more about people I once made assumptions about; I've gotten the chance to see their lives, and find a new kind of respect for them and what they deal with.

I've gotten closer to my boyfriend's parents, two incredibly remarkable people. They have such kind, generous hearts, and they have stepped up to help me in ways I never expected. I try to let them know every chance i get how grateful I am for all their kindness.

I've gotten an opportunity to step in and get closer to a good friend. You can't take something like that for granted, and I hope she knows that her friendship means so much to me!

I've made new friends, and they rock :) They're awesome, and we relate so well. It's great to know people like them!

I've had some serious shit to deal with this last year; but all of the things I have learned, all the things I have experienced....they make all the troubles worth it :) As do all the people who have been with me through this year.

So, as we say goodbye to the year 2011, I have to say, it could have been worse. I look forward to 2012, and all the adventure it comes with :)

Happy New Years everyone!

What Really Grinds my Gears; Revised

 Three days ago, on Sunday night, I sat down to write a blog. Scratch that, a vent. Today I got on to my blogger with the goal of finishing and posting that blog. I re-read what I had wrote. This blog was full of anger, confusion  and disgust; I said some pretty venomous things, and while I can't say I didn't mean those things, I can say that a few days to reflect on what upset me to begin with was for the best. There is a time and a place for all things; and some, should never be given a time or place to begin with. Like hateful things. Those things that leak anger and resentment into your day to day world. Those are things we have to learn to rise above and move past, because it can poison you when yo allow those things to control you in any way.
  Suffice it to say that in my adult life, many people have said some pretty nasty things about me, and made some very unfounded accusations. While the initial reaction may be to lash out in "righteous anger" that's not the way to deal with gossip and slander. All lashing out does is fuel their fire. The best way to retaliate is to do...nothing. For one, gossip dies out. For another, the best way to prove your character is over time. With time and a constant attitude, the people who spread the slander will see they have nothing to support it; nothing but hear say and assumptions.
 And in the days I reflected on what things were said about me, and dealt with my own reaction to them, I had to see that these things were said quite a ways back. And none of it has been repeated or spread any time recently. In a way, I feel satisfied with the knowledge that I have remained true in character, and have shown, simply by remaining constant, that I am not what some would accuse me to be.
  God works in his own time; and that's how I choose to feel about this. Yes, some very rude and uncalled for things were said and done in hopes of hurting me, in one way or another. But time has been on my side; not my time, but God's time; and I feel good about that.

 As a little example of this, I'll use my ex and the people we knew when we were together. My ex said some seriously nasty things about me; he did some pretty ugly things to hurt me too in the after math of our divorce. Rather than fueling his fire and burning myself, I said not a word. He vented, accused me of being crazy among other things, and no doubt he convinced some people of these things. People who didn't know me. I kept my peace. The only person i have ever told anything negative to is Brock, and that is because I would trust him with everything. And there is a good deal of negative I could have spread about him. But.....Of all the people we knew as a couple, who really knew me, I can't think of one who truly bought that I was the evil two headed monster I was made out to be. I've run in to several of them, and am even working for one. And they all know me; they know who I am at the core. And they still like me, and care about me. And I am thankful for that.

I've been fortunate in having a good up bringing, supportive family, a few close friends.....I'll always answer a question with honesty, even if you don't want to hear it. And I'll always love unconditionally. These are just a few things I am grateful for.

So tonight, instead of anger, I feel peace. And I forgive the people who have hurt me in the past, and in the future. Because I want to live my life without resentment. And if you hold a grudge all your life, you're destined for an early grave.

I May Not Know Much

A wolf can hide in sheep's skin. These days, it can be hard to spot the false coin from the real; but I can tell you one thing from experience, when someone speaks against your character, or tries to deface you as a person, it is best to turn the other cheek; Actions will always speak louder than words.

 There are a lot of things I can easily admit I don't know. I may not have the most education behind me; I may not be the most informed on current events, or fashion, or politics. I am okay with not knowing everything.

Some things I do know. I know my heart; I know who I am, what I stand for, and I want out of this life. I know that when someone asks me a direct question, I will give them an honest answer. That's how I was raised. I know I won't win over every heart in the world; I know there are many who will never like me, and others still who will spend their time defacing my character, and talking down about me. These are things I know, understand, and am okay with. "C'est le Vie." That's life. I know I have a good loving heart, honest intentions, and open mind, a forgiving nature, a sharp mind for learning, and a faith in God that has been put to the test and come out stronger every time. I know, also, that I am flawed. I am human, and prone to mistakes. I've made my fair share in this life, and I don't forget it.
 All of these things, I know about myself. And I am unwavering in my certainty that I know myself, as a woman, a spiritual being, and as a human full of emotion, passion and flaw.

 When someone speaks poorly of my character, when they pass snap judgments, or conspire about my doings, I won't lie. It hurts. And then, I remember something. I remember I was made for greater things than succumbing to gossips, and to liars. I have been fearfully and wonderfully made for something more than hiding my face because someone else tried to shame me. You can't *make* someone feel shame; that feeling rises as a response to an action. And I will CHOOSE to not feel shame where it is not warranted.

There are always going to be people who will talk badly about me; people who will always assume I'm just a liar and a cheat. A user. Let people assume what they want. They don't know me like I do, like my family and friends do. And that's enough for me.

Conflicted Sympathy

  Is it just me, or has this month been just insane?? It seems like every time I turn around, someone else has passed away, gotten sick, had surgery, or has found out they are having a baby. It's just one thing after another; it has me on my toes, wary of every corner or night time outing, because it just seems like this month has been so unlucky. Especially with deaths. And I don't mean to sound insensitive about it. It's just something I've noticed.

  What I find particularly difficult, though, is the feelings of empathy for all these people who are losing their loved ones. To be more direct, I've had a hard time with it today. My immediate reaction when I hear someone is passed is to extend my condolences to the family and friends left grieving. Losing someone is never easy; losing someone unexpectedly is even worse, because there's the pain of the loss combined with shock. And I feel overwhelming sympathy in such cases. The reason this has been so hard tonight, is because of a conflict with *who* has lost someone.
  It sounds awful to me that I have to reconsider extending my sympathy to someone because of who they are and how they have behaved towards me. I feel like it shouldn't be a factor in times of grief and today, it has most definitely become a factor.
 I feel I can't approach this person, even to tell them how sorry I am for their loss, because they have, time and time again, treated me with no respect. They have used and abused every extension of help, or offer of friendship, that I have ever given them. So to tell them how sorry I am to hear that they lost a loved one...seems like it would be unwelcome, and/or unappreciated. I hate that. Everyone deserves sympathy, kindness and prayer when they are hurting from the loss of a loved one....but how can a person offer those things to someone who clearly could care less about you yourself? =/ It's an inner battle to keep from sending even the shortest of messages......
 How sad it must be to know you've pushed away so many genuine people who wanted to be your friend, who would have been there for you in your times of need...how incredibly sad.

  I wish it were different; that we could get along, even enough for cordiality. But this person has proven time and again that they have no desire to be genuine with me.....and on principal, I cannot extend my sympathies.

This makes me feel like an awful person.....I was taught that you should over look things, when someone is hurting...with this person, I just..can't. Ah, but I guess life will go on. And so will I, as I always have.

Work Rant

  I don't usually talk a lot about my job, or the work I do. I especially try not to complain about it, even on days when it can be pretty annoying. I just know that it's not interesting to anyone outside Dollar General, and I don't like to bore anyone to tears with it (except for Brock). But tonight...tonight was rant worthy.

  Anyone who pays any attention at all the the posts I make everyday on Facebook knows that I am hoping to get promoted to third key holder with Dollar General, and have, or had, good reason to believe that I'd be getting this from the store I currently work at. All my managers have said I do wonderful at work, I always know what needs to be done, always get it done, I never complain and I never have a problem asking a question if I need to. I'd been told by one manager that I was being looked at and considered for the position a few months back. So, for the last month and a half or so, I've been at the store 90% of my time, working hard, doing more than the minimum that's required of me, and over all kicking butt at my job. The customers love me, my bosses love working with me, and very few, actually only one, of my co-workers don't get along with me. In short, I am doing everything I can to prove to my boss that I not only can handle the position, but that I deserve it.

 Now, I should make it clear that I don't work with the store manager all that much; maybe twice in three weeks of shifts will I actually work a full shift with her. I should also mention that she has a tendency to become preoccupied, and I often have to remind her of things, or wait until last minute to tell her.

That being said, we come to today. I went in to work at 4pm, and find myself working with the current third key holder. After clocking in, and cleaning up behind my register a bit, she asks me "Have you met the new lady?" New lady?? Hmm. So I tell her no, what new lady? "Oh, the new third key." I was almost sure I had heard her wrong. "New third key?" I ask. To which she replies, yeah. Oh you have got to be kidding me. That's all I could think. So after a second, I blurt out "Well I guess I'm going to be transferring then."
 I know, a rather rash response, but let me break this down. Two months ago, I asked my boss to consider me for any key holder positions that may open up; she said she would. Our assistant manager, who is my favorite to work with, just got promoted to store manager and was moved to his own store. So I knew she'd be looking to fill third key; I had thought she'd remember I wanted it, would interview me, and that would be that. But, for whatever reason, she instead brought in an older woman, who has no management experience, and has never worked with Dollar General before. The general idea is that she had worked in a store similar to it before; but it's clearly been a LOOOONG time since then considering the woman who is supposed to be management had no idea what a scanner gun was, or what it was for...you know, that gun thingy we cashiers sometimes use for bigger objects? Yeah...I have no idea why this woman, who is no more qualified and maybe even less qualified for this job, is strutting around calling herself the "New assistant."

So, I'm furious, and insulted, and confused. It's a slap in my face, after all the hard work I've put in, especially since all my managers, including store manager, have said I am one of the best workers they have. So I don't know why I was overlooked. Especially for this woman >.>

I promised myself months ago I'd transfer if I didn't get promoted, because working with my current manager on my schedule and stuff is such a hassle; every other week there's some problem. She'll schedule me on a day she knows I can't work, or a day I'm in class. She forgets when I tell her I have to be gone on certain days. She never tells me if my schedule changes. It's not worth it if she's going to overlook the hard work I put in for her and the company. It's not worth it at all if I'm not being appreciated. So, maybe I'll just transfer to the store I know I will be appreciated at. Even if I don't get third key there, at least I'd be encouraged and thanked for what I do.

End Rant.

Life: A Crash Course

Do you ever have days where you feel like you've been thrown into a crash course in life? Today is kind of one of those days.
 Growing up can be painful. Not physically, though I'm sure getting taller can't feel great (not that I would know =P) But more so an emotional and situational form of growing up. It's hard to see where the lines crossing in to adulthood lie, and it can take you by surprise when you suddenly find yourself past that line.

  I feel like that's happening to me. Not for the first time, of course. But then, who really "grows up" in one fell swoop? Not this girl, that's for sure. I'm finding myself in a new level of this whole growing up business; working, paying bills, budgeting, going to school, paying for school. It's all so grown up that sometimes I look at it all and wonder "When the hell did that happen?" Sometimes, I look in the mirror, and wonder when did I grow up When did I stop looking like a twig and start looking...like this? Not that I think I look bad =P Although I wish my skin would clear up all the way =( breakouts at 22 are no fun.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to a time where I only worked for spending money. I didn't have to worry about anything but twenty dollars for my gas tank and tips for snacks the next day at school.
Sometimes, I wish I could still be the child....and be able to know my parents will take care of everything.

But the fact is, I am 22. I am living away from home, and everyday I am learning new ways to provide for myself, and getting better at the things I've already had a crash course in.

It's sad to think there are people out there who never get past feeling that need to always be cared for; I'm not talking about people who have parents who can support them when they need it, or people who have emotional support, love and care, because we all need those things. I'm talking about people who out right refuse to grow up and learn to take care of themselves. People who have never payed a real bill, or had to make a real budget so they can afford to keep their homes, a tank full of gas and kitchen with food in it.

Sadly, some of these people will and do abuse our welfare system, and make it so that people who have worked hard all their lives and do need the help may one day have to pee in a cup just to get it; how degrading. It angers me to think of the state ever considering making people like my father do this so he can feed my siblings and my mother; just because someone out there is abusing our system. Abusing the offer of a helping hand. Taking and taking while never giving back.
And how many of us have encountered someone who abused our offers of help? Who took from us, but never returned the favors?

 There will always be people who are too afraid to do any real growing up. And, I pity them. As scary as it is knowing all the things I have to do on my own now, I pity them. They are sad people.

Growing up is a fascinating, terrifying, and exhilarating life experience. Don't run away from it just because it looks hard. We are born to grow up. So get out there, and take your own crash courses in life. I promise, when it's over, you won't regret it.

The Big Sister Syndrome

Yesterday, I called my mom. We talked a little while, catching up on the trivial things that happen in the lives of two grown women, when I mentioned something I still cannot wrap my mind around, something that really worried me. A very good friend made a decision that I felt, and still feel, was less than wise. She had asked me my thoughts and advice on this situation before she made up her mind, and I gave it to her with complete candor. I expressed to her all of my concerns, and pointed out several things that were logical reasons to take caution. But, in the end, she went the more risky route (and if you are reading this, friend, please know I love you, like a little sister, and I only want the best for you. Please don't take any offense, as what I'm about to talk about is not directed at you, it's just how I feel overall.) I told my mom how it frustrated me that my friend hadn't taken my advice after asking for it; especially because of the situation, and how I had no idea what she was thinking; it all seemed so sudden, and I couldn't see why my friend who was normally so level headed would do it. That's when my mom stopped me, and told me that I shouldn't spend all my energy worrying about my grown friends. She said I have the Big Sister Syndrome; always trying to direct my loved ones in the direction I saw was right for them. Well, this stopped me in my tracks. I had never thought of it that way.

 I grew up as the oldest despite being one of the middle children out of four. My sister is nine years older than me, and was grown during the majority of me and my other two siblings growing-up years. Both my parents were in school for a good portion of time while I was seven through thirteen. So, I spent a lot of my time watching my younger brother and sister. Four two years, while my mom was in grad school, I spent a few nights of the week being large and in charge at home. I was eleven; and on a couple nights I was in charge of having dinner ready, because my dad had night class. I am a bit of a neat freak, truly as a result of being my mothers daughter, and so I spent Fridays cleaning the house before my mom came home as well.
 I think playing such a vital role in helping my parents those two years altered me in a few ways; I grew up a little faster for it; and I took on a more protective, "second mother" attitude at home. That image I had of myself became ingrained in my personality. This became a problem right after my mom graduated and came back home; I was twelve going on thirteen, and I had gotten so used to being in charge of my siblings, that for the rest of my time at home my parents and I had constant arguments over me acting like a second mother; and my siblings resented me for it for years after I moved out. I can, thankfully, say that I've learned to control this aspect of my behavior. I try hard not to scold my siblings when they do something i think they shouldn't. Now that they are both growing up, Tyler going on 18 and Jessie just turned 16, I try my best to keep my mouth shut and let them do their own growing up. It is a constant battle with myself, but I bite my tongue because I love them, and they have to grow up in their own way.

  When you're an outsider looking in on a situation, it's easy to see things that someone close to it can't. It's also easy to think you know exactly what the person on the inside should do to best handle it. When someone doesn't take this advice, it gets under your skin....
 When you have a personality where you are constantly "protecting" one person or another, even just in your own mind, it becomes increasingly difficult to give the advice that you think is best for someone, and see them not take it. Call it bossiness, nosiness, maybe even stubbornness. But I think my mom hit the nail on the head when she called it Big Sister Syndrome.

All I can say, to any who have experienced this side of my personality, is that it's a work in progress for me. Every day, I see things that I feel I know the best route out of. It's hoe my mind has worked for so much of my life. But every time I catch myself thinking that way, I am trying to remember to let it go, and breathe. There are forces beyond me involved in everyone else's life; we all have to just sit back and breathe, and listen when a friend needs a pair of ears. Sometimes, that's the best thing a big sister can do: just listen.

This is My Space

I love having a blog, because it's my own personal little piece of the internet, that very few people ever visit; as such, I feel secure in venting here. And I have done so off and on since I first got this blog spot.
 My blog spot is not like Facebook; it's not a social network, where everyone I know has access to what I say, and where I have to monitor what I say because it is a social network. But here, I have free reign. I can talk about anything I want; I can talk about anything that bothers me, or creates stress in my life. In my psych class, we're learning about "the talking cure" regarding stress, mental illness, neurosis, etc,. It HELPS to vent. But a wise person will not post vents on networking sites where they can be taken offensively.
 There's a person whose blogs I've followed for a while; shes a really interesting person, and she always has cool things to talk about in her blogs; recently, a girl we both know has started showing how big of an immature, inconsiderate little prick she is; this person wrote a few blogs, did a little venting, but never mentioned the name of the girl, or really vented specifically about her, more so about situations. From what I could gather, this little girl, and I use that term because she is emotionally little and immature, has accused the a fore mentioned blogger of bullying her; something was clearly said to the blogger I follow, because not only did she clean out almost a month's worth of blogs (all which contained the vents regarding the situations with this little girl) but she also deleted her Facebook, which she had created for her own personal use to stay connected with her friends. Now, I understand she wants to give no more fuel to this little girls fire; and I understand the wisdom in saying nothing rather than stooping to another's level of behavior; but I think it is ridiculous that this little girl thinks she can just push people around and make wild, false accusations, just to get her way because she doesn't like when someone calls her out on who she really is. THAT is an unheard of level of childish behavior.

This girl, who has never lived on her own, never supported herself without help, who has taken advantage of every poor soul who ever cared about her, who is lazy and inconsiderate,  who has admitted to using people, especially men, to get what she wants just because she can, who claims to be mature beyond her twenty years, who lives vicariously through others, and has told me in person she is dependent, and cannot be without a man.....this girl needs a serious wake up call.
This girl needs to realize she doesn't even compare to the friends she pushed away. She is not the greatest thing in the world; nor is she the victim of truly tragic circumstances.

And, most of all, she needs to realize how truly pathetic she comes across. I really feel sorry for her. And, in the same coin, I don't. If she's a victim, it is of her own perception. Her life will never improve until she discovers her own self-identity, until she comes face to face with her own flaws and decides to work on them; she will never have greater life satisfaction until she stops playing the victim or martyr every time something happens that is not according to her plans.

And she needs to get it through her fat head that people have a right to vent about things that bother them. If she doesn't want to feel she's the cause, she needs to stop becoming the cause.

BAM. Yeah, I just wrote all that. Who's gonna stop me? The blog police? =P Good night, blog world.

New Beginnings!

 I've come to rely on the mantra "Life is what you make of it." It's pulled me through lots of situations that have, for the most part, felt very out of my hands. And sometimes, it just feels good to have that small sense of control. Really, that's what life is all about. Taking control of the situations you CAN take control of.

The way you think has a huge impact on your quality of living, and your life enjoyment.

Right before school started, I found out I wouldn't be able to get financial aid this semester. I was absolutely certain there was no way I'd go to school after all, and I felt I'd have to give up my dream, the one thing I had been working towards since the end of last semester. I went home thinking this way, talked to my parents about it, and put it out of mind for the night.

If I had continued thinking negatively, I'd have overlooked any options available to me, dropped the semester completely, and given up. Sounds bleak, right?

Instead, I woke up the next morning, looked over my finances, decided I could pay out of pocket, went to the school and dropped to part time instead of full time. I talked to my bosses, started pulling extra shifts, and hopefully, I'll be getting a raise and a promotion.
What changed in one night??

My outlook.

I have wanted to go back to school so badly for a while now. I finally have a direction and a degree plan, and I have actually gotten several classes I need for my degree plan out of the way already. Score!

Yes, my transcript is a sad thing to behold; no, I didn't start out with great promise as a college student. But,I know I will turn that around, starting this semester. I know I will get my degree, even if there are more semesters to come where I pay out of pocket. I know I have family who will help me as best they can, and support me, especially in getting my degree.And, I know that eventually my financial aid will come through, and I will go back to full time. I'll make it; I'm making it everyday. With positive, pro-active thoughts and goals.

So far, classes are great =) I get to take a class with Brock, in his last semester, on Tuesday's and Thursday's,  and I have one class noon on Wednesdays. I'm excelling at my job (not hard given some of the people I work with >.>) and my goal is to make straight A's this semester and get the third key holder position at work. How? I'm not going to tell myself I can't do it! I'm going to keep working hard, and keep proving myself...mostly to me =)

It's not the easiest way; it's certainly not ideal. But I feel good about where I am, and who I am. I can do this, one step at a time. Yayaya!

Ambitious

Tonight, as I sit here too wide awake to find the rest I need, I find myself contemplating the word "Ambitious." Why? Maybe because I am on the brink of picking up where I left off with my education. They say it's harder to go back the older you get; whoever "they" is, "they" were on to something. To go back to college, or to go to college to begin with, requires ambition. It's easy to get caught up with the "real" world; working a full time job, paying bills, learning to make ends meet on your own. It's a whirlpool, and one that will quickly suck away at your time and energy. And for a lot of us, it can suck away our ambitiousness. Just to be perfectly clear while I talk about Ambition, I'm going to add in the definitions I found:

Ambitious
 1.Having Ambition; eagerly desirous of  achieving or obtaining success, power, wealth, a specific goal, etc.: ambitious students.
 2. showing or caused by ambition: an ambitious attempt to break the record.  
 3. strongly desirous: eager: ambitious of love or approval.  
 4. requiring exceptional effort, ability, etc.: an ambitious program for eliminating all slums.


 At this point in my life, I would say my ambitions line up more with the first of these definitions. I have a stronger than ever desire to prove myself, and to achieve the dreams I've had for most of my adult life. I'd say these ambitions solidified in myself around April, when I got involved with theater again. Doing that play, despite the smallness of the role, was an ambition. It was my desire, my strong desire, to get back into something I've always loved to do. And achieving that one small taste of success is what awakened in me an even bigger ambition: to go back to school, and to really do my absolute best.
   When I first went to college, I was eighteen, and fresh out of high school. My ambition at that time? Well, it lined up perfectly with the third definition. I was "strongly desirous" and eager for my family's approval. I spent all of my senior year convincing myself I had to go to college, it was the next step, it was what was expected of me, and my family would be disappointed in me if I told them what I really wanted was to wait a year, to move out on my own, but wait a year to go to school. I thought everyone would be disappointed in me if I told them that going to school was the last thing I really wanted. So, ambitious of their approval, I went. I moved in to the dorms, and started one of the worst academic years of my life. I did miserably, and I have the poor GPA left behind to remind me how poorly I really did. I met some truly wonderful, lovely and inspiring people that year. And I would not take back those relationships, however long they lasted or badly they ended, for anything. I learned a great deal about myself in that year and the ones that followed. But boy, did my academic life suffer.
  Ambition, and being ambitious, is a part of every aspect of life, in one definition or another. It goes hand in hand with drive. And as an adult, those are two things one must, must, must have in order to succeed.

 Tonight, I logged in to myECU, and I took a look at my GPA, and cumulative hours. Folks, let me tell you, it was a sad thing to see. I have my work cut out for me, but you know something? I really have an ambition to do this. As I prepare to go back, and redeem my misguided ambitions of the past, I feel that all of the definitions apply. Going back to school was caused by my ambition to achieve success and my desire to show everyone I am a brilliant young woman, with a lot to offer. But more than that, I want to prove to MYSELF that I am those things. Brilliant, intelligent, capable, and successful. Deep inside, I know I am. And now, I have a strong ambition to see it in myself. I can do this. I will make straight A's this year, and I will bring my GPA up. I will succeed and I am going to get my degree in psychology.

I am making this promise to myself. And I'm not going to let myself back down. It's time to put this drive and ambition to use. And my friends, you will see me achieve these goals. Like my mom has always told me,
"God gave you the best gift you could ever have asked for: a brilliant mind."

I've Watched Too Much Harry Potter

 Sometimes, I really like to read other peoples old blogs. I like to see where they've been, or what they've been through. I find myself analyzing them in a way, drawing lines between events, seeing how it shaped their personality.
   Is it odd that I like to know about old relationships?? It probably is...but it's like a real life novel. I don't mean that to sound like I have no respect for the fact that the blogs i read belong to real people, who at one time really felt a certain way. Because I do, really. I accept that their are parts of everyone's past that will remain there for the rest of their lives, irremovable imprints of events long past.
   I wrote a blog similar to that theory before. That the past shapes the present, and to wish for things to be different is foolish. I just find past relationships interesting. I think there are clues and indicators a person can find from something like an old journal or blog that will unlock levels of understanding, and today that's really all I've done with my free time.
I've been reading some peoples old blogs, and I have found further understanding in doing so.
 I don't know why I feel this need to understand a person, their motivations, their actions, the way they feel about things. I guess on some level all people have that desire to know the people in their lives in that way. But I want to understand *everyone* that way. Even people who hate me. Even people I don't want anything to do with.
Also...I'm snoopy.
 People often times forget things from the past. It's normal, as you move on, old memories fade and in their place new, relevant memories form. But if you blog about it...it's there. It will remain there. Sometimes for years and years, until you either forget it existed, or you delete it.
 Maybe I like to read them because whenever a chapter ends for me, I cut all ties with the past. I delete tangible connections, like blogs, notes, pictures. Even whole profiles on social networks.

 I feel like when Harry Potter falls into the pensive....I don't know if exhilarating is the right descriptive word? It's just....fascinating. I feel like I've gained serious insight into the people whose blogs I read through today. In some cases, it was only confirming things I already suspected.....but those things are things I can not change. Some are just personality quriks. No one can change another's personality. But, some are more about old connections.
 Sometimes, a persons past will always remain connected to them. I have known that these connections exist with people I love and care deeply about for a long time; but when you read something that relates specifically to that connection, it really becomes solid. Tangible even.
 Maybe it's because I've been re-watching Harry Potter....but I feel like I am more like a phoenix when it comes to my past, relationships and otherwise. When something ends for me, it bursts to flame. It dies, leaving nothing but a pile of ash. Then, in the same way a phoenix is re-born from the ashes of its former self, I move forward into the new chapter ahead of me. My past is only ever ashes. 

I don't really feel sad about it. I like that I really can let go of things, and really do move on. I feel bad that there are people, like my ex, who just...don't. It's so unhealthy. Here we are, just shy of a year of being divorced, and I hear he's still locking himself in his room and refusing to eat? There's a line between hurting and self-pity. I know that heartbreak is painful. But broken hearts will only mend when you let them. There's not a person alive who hasn't had their heart broken. Abd we all find a way to continue living, to continue forwards.

I feel like a lot of wise tid-bits have been applicable this week....."A broken heart will mend if you let it"...."let sleeping dogs lie".....
Sometimes, people underestimate the importance of separating the good and bad of our pasts, and knowing when it's wise to look back, and when you need to keep pressing forward.
Feels like those are the lesson's I've been learning in this chapter of my life......man, I have come far. I can't wait to look back a year from now and see even more of how I've grown.

No Regrets

There's a lot on my mind. I don't really have any strong feelings about any of it. It's just there. Sometimes, I like to look back to see how far I've come. It's sometimes a good reminder of things we may need to work on at the moment, or simply encouragement for us to move even further forward. And tonight, I looked very far back. Four years back.
 Four years doesn't sound like the largest chunk of time in the world, but boy does it make a difference. Tonight I read things from so long ago it felt more like an excerpt from fictional drama than something that really happened. It's amazing the way events shape us, and pave the directions our lives go in. I love how some decisions lead you to believe the path will go a certain way, then life intervenes and suddenly the people you thought you'd never see again are the most important parts of your life. The human heart has such a capacity for healing, and for love. The heart could be called fickle. It's so easy for the feelings of a moment to change in an instant; but that's why you can't lean only on emotion.
 I can see more clearly now than before how much I have changed. I owe so much of that to the path paved for me by certain catastrophic events in my life; poor decision making led me to a place where I had chances to clarify for myself who I am in this world, who matters to me, what matters to me....I also had a really good opportunity to delve into and solidify my religious beliefs. It's easy to say there are things I'd change in my past...sometimes, I wonder if I went back in time, would I warn myself that getting married was an awful idea? Or to not give up on a friendship that had meant so much to me? However often I wonder these things, I'll never go back and warn myself of anything. And in a way, I'm thankful.
 A good friend told me, after my divorce, that we have to learn how to separate the good memories from the bad, and hold onto just those. I'm in a place in my life where I've been able to do that, finally. So, if you asked me if I had any regrets.....I think I'd have to say no. No, I don't think I regret anything that's happened in my life. No, I don't wish things had gone differently. Because I would not be the me sitting here writing this now if things had been different.
 My ex-husband and I weren't the best for each other. We had little in common, and argued over most things. We each asked and expected too much of each other; things we would never be able to give one another. I really feel we were too young to know what we were getting in to, and we both had too much to work on in ourselves, to much for God to work on in each of us individually, for forever to have been a real possibility. But, I don't really regret the time I spent on that relationship. If I were to narrow it down to the last, say, nine months we were together, then maybe I'd say I'd change all of it. But, I have to remember that almost three years of my life was spent in that relationship, and if I said there weren't good times I'd be a liar. Who we are now, since we've been apart, are radically different than who we were together three years ago. It's just a fact. But that time in my life is a part of who I am now. It's irreversible.
The same goes for others. I could say I wish what I have now had come sooner. But would the relationship and life I have now have been as strong had it happened? I could be bothered by how much
In the same way, there are other people who have played roles in parts of my life that have become a part of who I am today. At one time, when I was a reckless young 18 year old girl,  I faced an ordeal with two other people I thought I'd never live past. I thought my heart would stop, I hurt so badly in those moments. And I know they hurt too. Some for far too long over it all. We thought we wouldn't get past it. But, we all did. We all lived past it, and moved forward, and grew from it. I can't say I regret any of it; because it helped me grow, and learn. And I hope that they can say the same.
 I know I've been much less religious since my divorce. I don't post scripture, or "Praise God" this and that very often. But tonight I feel a strong urge to say a little thank you prayer to my Creator.... he always stretches me further than I believe possible. And He always brings me to a peaceful, precious place in life, no matter the obstacles I face.
He has placed people all throughout the last four years of my life who have helped me learn more about myself, whether it be good or bad, and grow stronger from all those experiences. It never ceases to amaze me when I look back and see how much He has done.

So, do you live regret free? Maybe it's time you sat down and separated the good memories from the bad so that you can hold on to all the things you learned through those experiences.
Life is too short to waste time wishing things had been different. We are not promised a tomorrow. Live in today, and be thankful for it. Be thankful for all of it, because those things you thought would kill you only made you stronger. And that, my friends, is the truly beautiful thing about this life we've been given.

Don't Bring me Down: Thoughts on the Power of Words

You know what the best thing I've done for myself lately is? Eliminating any sort of contact with people who really get under my skin. It's so cleansing to get rid of the ones who bring you down. I never realized just how much some people really got to me; and Brock was so right when he told me a month or so ago that I was letting them win every time I let them get to me.

It's not that I try to rise to the bait, or that I let things get to me in a cognitively aware way, it's just a personality quirk. Even as a kid, my parents always told not to "Rise to the bait." But I am a very emotionally  in tune person, and I'll admit it can be too easy for others to press my buttons.

This is where I want to give myself a pat on the back. I feel I've made some serious progress on this part of me. Even at eighteen, I was too quick to anger, and easily agitated. My friend Jake used to get such a kick out of it, because he barely had to say two things, and I'd be riled up and agitated. I'm often told I'm funny when I'm angry; but let me tell you, when you're the one getting angry it's not NEARLY so funny.

All my life, my sensitivity to others has been a problem. I've always read too much in to other people's actions and words, always taken offense when I should have sought out clarity.  Jake was just one of many who found and pressed my buttons too easily for cheap entertainment. Some found them on accident, but once pressed I went off like a geyser. I stopped writing blogs while angry or agitated for those very reasons; all it did was take a bad situation and make it worse.

Isn't it amazing how much damage can be done with a few careless words, or sentences? In the book of James, the tongue is described as the rudder to a great ship. If that doesn't give you just 

the perfect image on how much importance goes on what we say, than I don't know what will.

Another verse I'm fond of a friend of mine actually posted on Facebook this week:

‎"My experience shows that those who plant trouble and cultivate evil will harvest the same." Job 4:8 NLT

Again, I really feel this can apply to what we say. People just don't realize how much they need to 

watch what they say; half the time, we don't realize when we begin planting trouble for others; anything from mild gossip to outright lies, and generalized speculations about other people. And 

when we do start stirring up trouble, it comes back to us, sometimes tenfold. So, this week, I'm taking these verses to heart; because life is too short to get distracted and waste time on people who don't lift you up or enrich your life =) I like focusing on all these great things in my life and all the great people who do lift me up much better.

Personality Test

My Personality

Neuroticism	28
Extraversion	63
Openness to Experience	77
Agreeableness	60
Conscientiousness	56

You very rarely feel depressed and are usually in a good frame of mind, however you experience panic, confusion, and helplessness when under pressure or stress. You lead a leisurely and relaxed life. You would prefer to sit back and smell the roses than indulge in high energy activities. You are a moderately imaginative person who enjoys a good balance between the real world and fantasy. You find helping other people genuinely rewarding and are generally willing to assist those who are in need. You find that doing things for others is a form of self-fulfillment rather than self-sacrifice, however you mostly assume that people are honest and fair, however you are wary and hold back from trusting people completely. You are well-organized and like to live according to routines and schedules. Often you will keep lists and make plans.

Free Poll jewelry

Numb

There's so much going on...it's been so easy to forget how much is really happening until today. I hate seeing my dad broken. I hate hearing him cry. It kills the little girl in me. It makes me grow up a little more than I'm ready to every time it happens.Because when you're dad is hurting, who takes care of him? It's a difficult concept, thinking about who takes care of the person that always took care of you. And part of me felt, at one time, that it wasn't right that I should be facing this now when most kids don't have to consider it till they have grandchildren of their own. I felt so unprepared for it when it all first happened.
I now have to think in terms of how to take care of my parents. I am still not used to it.

I talked to my dad today. That's what brought this on. More trouble on the home front. We knew this would be a long road back in February when it all came to light.....but being prepared for a long walk is not enough to prepare you for having to carry others down that same path.
When i talked to him, I heard myself like a person standing on the outside looking in would hear me; I was calm, completely collected, completely factual. "Yes, this has been really hard on you. It's okay to feel the stress..you've been through a lot, but things are n your favor right now."

I'm not that person. I'm usually the emotional mess....and I guess I was, at first. Now I'm just...numb. I care...don't get me wrong, I really do. But I have nothing left to say about it. No tears left to shed over it. I want a certain outcome for my dad's sake, not mine. Because I don't need anything. My dad does. I have what I need in my life; I have support, and love. And in turn I have support and love to give. But I'm not their little girl anymore. I don't have tears for the difficult situation we're faced with. I am just tired, and ready for the resolution.

I wonder if people realize how much stress can force a girl to grow up in just five months? I doubt it.

I could be bitter about things; I could resent people for their ignorance of my family situation. But that's foolish, and unfair. Truth is, I don't think I'd lean on someone if they offered it right now. If I told someone everything going on, and they expected me to crack from the stress of it, i really seriously doubt I would. I don't feel all that emotionally invested anymore. The facts are what they are, and the outcome will be what it will be. I can't change that by being distraught and tearful.

Right now, I have to be the strong one. For my dad, for my siblings. No, I'm not alone. My older sister helps as much as she can. But I'm the closest to all this. So I have to bear the brunt of it.

Today, I feel tough as flint. Today, I'm numb to this.

Reflections of Me

 Today I've found my thoughts wandering across the idea of reflections frequently. At first it was silly, just me goofing around with Brock's niece Jayden. We were sitting in Brock's room at his parents house, and she kept leaning over looking in the mirror, saying "That's me!" After doing this several times, she pulled me over and said "Look, its you!" I told her no, that was just my reflection; I'm me. Then we laughed and she moved on to the next thing that grabbed her attention, as most seven year olds do.

But something about what I said stuck with me all day. It was just my reflection....

 I realize that my blogs are rarely insightful; I don't have the greatest writer's voice, I tend to trail off topic, and lose my concentration when writing. It's never professional, or tidy and precise. That used to bother me; but as I've grown up, I've realized it's a reflection of myself. I am not a tidy, professional, precise and direct person. I'm messy, emotional; sometimes I don't think things through all the way. I like to consider myself colorful; a little all over the place, like a piece of splatter art. The older I get, the more variety in color I see in myself.  I'm a silly woman, with big dreams, and I like to think I have a good heart. I've had my fair share of trouble. I've caused my fair share of pain and grief. There are things I've done I'm not proud of, and I try to believe that being able to admit where I went wrong makes me a better person.
I know there are people, more people than I even know of, who don't like me; people who think I'm horrible, or that they're better than me. I don't doubt there are people who gossip about me. But you know something? That's life.
The older you get, the more these things I've listed become true. Sadly, not everyone is your best friend just because you say hi like it used to be when we were children. It's a fact that there are those you will never understand, never really get along with.
As adults, we tend to pass judgment too quickly, speak before we think, act on an impulse. It's just the dirty facts of life.
I'm a kid at heart. I try to see the best in others; I hate that my feelings get hurt too easily, that I care about others more than I should. I'm nicer to people who have deliberately tried to hurt me than I should be, and I forgive people more easily than some think I should. Despite myself, I try to give everyone a second chance; sometimes multiple second chances. That's just me. I can't change that about myself, though i know I'd be better off if I could.

The ones who gossip about me, the ones who like to think they're better than me and drag my name through the mud, they don't realize these things about me. And there are a rare few who do, and turn a blind eye to what they know. But what they say is no reflection on me. It's a reflection on themselves. Just like every bad thing I say about someone is really a reflection on me, not them. Actions do speak louder than words; but what some people don't see is that its their own actions speaking about them; we tend to get overly focused on others actions. I'm just as guilty of this as the next person; and trust me, it is a poison to your soul. It clouds your sight, and you can miss the beautiful life you have around you because you become overly focused on someone else.

I guess the point I'm making is that sooner or later you have to decide what's really you, and what's just a reflection. At the end of the day you have to be able to look in the mirror and know the truths from the lies; what's just a reflection, and what's you.

So if you don't like me, for whatever reason, that is your call. Whether you get to know the real me, the human me, or not, doesn't change a thing about who I am.

It's taken just shy of twenty-two years for me to see myself, clear of the judgments from other people, and like myself. Really like who I am, and what I'm heading towards. And it's a freeing realization when you finally know, and I mean really know, that you are more than the reflection of others.

I'm me; messy, silly, colorful, dreamy me. And I love that. You can get to know me, and maybe I'll add something rich and colorful to your life. If you don't, I'll still be me. And that's all that matters.

Desperate

So, a lot has happened in the last few months, and it's got me thinking about how human behavior is affected in tight or desperate situations. I guess I started thinking about it when I watched "I Saw the Devil" a while back. In that movie, there's this man who is a serial killer. In the opening he victimizes a police chief's daughter. As the plot unfolds, vigilante justice is sought out, and the serial killer becomes increasingly rash and desperate. Soon, he's just shooting people to do it; because he knows he's going to get caught.

How many of us know people who are to some degree like this? Becoming reckless in their actions if they know they're going to be caught in a lie? I think we all know someone.
Have you ever thought about all the things that change the way we think or act? It's amazing, really. For instance, fear has such a huge impact on the human mind. It changes perspective; it changes rational.
There are things people would never do under normal circumstances that become, in their mind, the only solution when they're scared. I can say I've done this in my life; I think we can all admit to a time when we've acted foolishly because we feel we're backed in to a corner and can't clearly see any way out.

And there are a number of other things that lead to wild, irrational behavior; anything from fear, to stress, to anger. And I really find it fascinating trying to pick through the actions to try and find the catalyst, the root of the issue. Maybe that's why I love studying psychology and sociology so much.  

Thanks for letting me share my little blurb here =) Sometimes I just need to unravel my thoughts ^.^ I think I'll do a little research now, haha.

Sweet Emotion

So, I rarely write a blog just to brag on someone. I haven't been the 'super mushy' type in my current relationship. My boyfriend knows how I feel about him, and there is no pressure to be super mushy, or a need to go on and on about "my boyfriend" this and "my boyfriend" that.
That being said, everyone deserves to be bragged on every now and then. So, what I am about to do is a first...I'm going to write a blog about my boyfriend, Brock =)

Today is the fourth of July, a significant date in the history of America. I love the fourth; watching big beautiful fireworks going off against as clear night sky, good company and the smell of grilled burgers. It is, despite the heat, what I look forward to the most in the holiday list.
Tonight, my boyfriend made July 4, 2011 a night I'll always remember. After eating a little dinner together, something we do often enough, he took me up to the campus of ECU. We walked around a little, he with his camera out and aimed, taking pictures of the sunset and other things that caught his artist's eye. We've also done this before, and while I enjoyed it, it felt like an ordinary night with him.
 As the sun finally setting, we walked around by the old band room elevator. It was beautiful. The sky was clear, there was a cool breeze from the incoming storms, and slowly we could see various fireworks displays beginning. Holding my hand, he mentioned that it's be nice if we could get up on the roof...
So he led me over to the cafo doors, led me in, and out on to the little catwalk that connects Briles hall and the cafeteria where we climbed on to the roof!!!
I had never been up there. But suffice it to say, it was very romantic.

We walked back to his apartment, hand in hand, with a beautiful finale display of fireworks going off overhead. It was the most perfect fourth I've had in my life.

As I said, I don't usually do blogs like this. But my boyfriend is amazing, and he deserves to be bragged on a little ;) Happy 4th, everyone!

Almost a Year

 Today I can't help thinking about how fast a year can go by these days. To really stop and think about where  I was a year ago and where I am now is truly remarkable. Example:
Today's date is June 29, 2011
 I have a job I enjoy that provides me with benefits and a flexible work schedule. I'm enrolled for school in August to study something I've always loved, but had neglected till recently. I have good friends; the kind I know I can count on to be there for years to come, despite distance or frequency of visits. I have a boyfriend I know really knows me, and cares about me. I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to be with someone who loves you, not the image of you they have built up in their minds. My boyfriend was my best friend when I first moved away from home. He helped me deal with missing my family, with feeling alone. He gave me a solid friendship I could count on, and helped me meet new friends, genuine people with good hearts. We were both kids missing our homes back then. It was a comfort to both of us to have good friends in a new town.
 Today he still is my best friend. He knows me better than almost anyone, and we've been together for almost a year now. I love his family, and I'm glad I get to spend time with them. And I love him. In this world, you can't really ask for more. When almost everything comes with a price tag these days, you have to hold on to the free things you can find.
 I have a supportive family. I know I'll never be expected to be anything more than myself with my family, and despite any problems we've had or will have, I'm lucky to have a family that knows blood runs thicker than water.

June 29, 2010
 I had a job I loved, but it didn't offer benefits, and sucked the energy out of me by the end of everyday, even though I loved my boss and the kids I taught very much. I wasn't going to school and didn't have a foreseeable plan to go back. I was sick all the time, stressed to the max, and unappreciated. I didn't have a home of my own; just a back bedroom in someone else's house. I felt disconnected from my friends and family. I was unhappy. I had a husband who was more of a child than a partner, who expected me to do all the work, who didn't want to move out of his mommy and daddy's house, who didn't want to be responsible. He was in love with an image of me he had built up over the previous two years in his mind, and if ever a crack showed in this iconic image of me he had envisioned, then I was sick and twisted and something was clearly wrong with me, because what did I have to be stressed about? Life was supposed to be good. We were a "family".
   I was married a year ago today.
 I was married, and the most miserably unhappy person I knew. I had isolated all the people who really cared about me. I put on a shiny fake smile and pretended my way through the days, but at night, when I laid down sick, tired and alone, I cried. I cried myself to sleep from the sheer hopelessness of my life. I was in church two to three times a week, but I didn't feel God. I knew he was there, but I couldn't explain why I felt so far from him. I tried to talk to people around me about it, but found I couldn't without telling them how unhappy I was in my life. So I repressed it. I was too scared to tell anyone I had been wrong.

What followed in the months after isn't a pretty story. But it's been almost a year, and when I look back, I see the difference in myself and my life, and I am glad to say I survived it.
I survived depression, I survived slander and the hatred of others. And really, that's everyone.
We are all survivors. Survivors of our own situations. Overcomers of our own obstacles. Truly, there is nothing set before us that we can not overcome. And every time we can look back and say "Wow, that was almost a year ago" is another triumph. And I'll take that any day.

So where were you s year ago? What situations you felt were impossible have you survived? Think about, and take a minute to be thankful for it. Because those are the things that shape us into better, stronger people. Those situations will always show you what you can make of yourself in almost a year.

The Mirror Lies

 I hate nights like this. I hate feeling like this. The kind of night where I want to cover every mirror, reflective surface and scale with dark heavy sheets and bury myself in pillows, accompanied only by a box of tissues. I feel enormous on nights like this. I can't stand to look in the mirror because I know all I'll see is every little place where a pound or two has found it's way in; every little imperfection will appear ruddier and magnified by one hundred. I feel hungry; but I can't bring myself to eat or drink.
   My hair is too short, my jaw is too weak, I'm covered in pimples, my teeth look like something you'd find on Halloween. I have zero confidence on nights like this. Every other girl I see is much prettier; maybe everyone else will think so too. I don't even know why that matters; the logical part of me knows this is depression rearing it's ugly head once again. That these thoughts are just lies.
 When my depression pays a visit, the mirror lies. My every thought turns against me; I feel the inner battle rage once more. I can feel the wave rise higher, higher, and higher still. I try to brace myself with my only weapon: logic. Truth. I try to run away, to escape the shadow cast by the inevitable bout of depression bearing down on me. But in the end, I am helpless.
 So tonight, I just want to cry. Because five pounds feels more like a ton. Because a couple breakouts mar my every feature. Because my every thought is an enemy. And I am helpless to fight it off on my own.

On nights like these, the mirror lies.

And tonight, I need... I need a friend to help pull me out from under this crushing weight of self doubt and disgust.

Challenges, Changes, and Trolls

There are so many things going on in my life right now, and I really just need an outlet. I miss my mom. Everyday for the last week and a half something happens, and I just want to call my mom and talk for a while, or go down and just get a nice big hug. I've gotten so used to depending on her, that I am finding it a difficult transition now that she needs to depend on me. And at the same time, I just want her to know she can lean on me.
 I'm finding that these years of my life are a serious time of transition. One day I was just a teen, moving out of my parents house for the first time, with everything ahead of me. Life was a new exciting adventure. Then it's like I rolled out of bed the next day, and BAM, here I am, coming up on twenty-two, just now figuring out what I want to do with my life, no longer a wide eyed teen, but a full grown woman with a failed marriage and a string of other failures behind me. Some nights, nights like tonight, I feel older than I really am. Tonight I'd really love to just call my mom and hear her voice, always so able to reassure me, and soothe me.
 But since I can't, I try to remind myself of what my mom would say to me. She'd tell me to count my blessings. I have a family I love more than anything, who I know will support me. I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have are ones I know I can always count on. My boyfriend has been my closest friend since I moved out on my own, and I love him so much. I have a new job, and I'm finally getting a chance to do what I love: Act. I have so much to look forward. I just have to keep reminding myself of these things.

As for the other half of this blog....Trolls. GOOD GRIEF, why are there so many trolls? People I will never understand are the ones who have nothing better to do than try and get under someone else's skin. Stirring up drama, trying to get attention with their antics. I mean really? You shouldn't go to someone with a life crisis situation just to turn around and act like they're the ones being creepers. What's the point in dramatically deleting an account just to create a new one AND reactivate the one you went through and deleted??
It's insane behavior. And I am insane to think there will ever be different results to that kind of madness.
 So from now on I'm not going to waste my time. I have too much going on in my life to bother with trolls and their drama.

Just a Little Red Lipstick

 If a girl knows how to pamper herself, and enjoys spending a few hours doing so, does that make her vain? If I told you I plan out how I want to do my hair and make-up the night before, what would you think?

  I've been teased most of my life by friends and family for being a "Primper." My grandpa used to say that I only spent about fifteen minutes in the shower; the other hour or so was spent right in front of the mirror. At home, I would usually take my bath or shower last so that everyone else could get what they needed done. My cell phones, computers and cameras are filled with picture after picture of myself; and if you were to ask me or confront me about these behaviors, I wouldn't bat an eye. I feel no shame in my love of beauty rituals. Why should I?
  If the art to getting ahead in life is, at its core, confidence, then I find myself convinced that all women need just a little time each day devoted to pampering. I never feel more confident then after I've taken a hot bath, or exfoliated my face, or done my nails. When I put on my red lip stick, I'm transformed. It's that little touch of red lipstick that tells the world watch out! Here comes a strong, confident young woman who would rather stand out and be noticed than blend into the walls of the background.

  So, ladies, break out those pumps; spend a little more time trying something new with your make-up; try an at home recipe for a color lift, or a facial mask. Need one? I have several! I would like to see fewer girls with self esteem issues and more girls whose most noticeable trait is confidence.
 Women deserve to feel pretty. It doesn't make us vain or narcissistic to recognize our good features and to spend some time pampering ourselves. 

Blank Walls

I don't know that I have words right now. Just the overwhelming sense of sadness; and a hardened sense or resignation. I love you, knowing who you are, where you come from, and the personal obstacles and difficulties you face daily. But I need you to help me understand. I'm no longer the little girl that believed you were infallible; I know you are not an omnipotent and perfect being. I'm a grown woman now, and I'm asking you, adult to adult, to please help me understand. Because my mind is not capable of comprehension or understanding this situation right now. It hurts; and it makes me afraid. I have to tell you these things, because if I don't it will be a like swallowing a razor blade. I hate to see you cry; I hate to think of you hurting. But this hurts me too. And I can't just take the word of every other adult around me. I have to know. I have to ask you to explain to me...why? How did this happen?? What events led to this?
  My biggest fear is losing you. I have nightmares about. I have had nightmares about losing you somehow ever since I was a child. I didn't tell you today, when I last saw you, when I last got to hug you, that the night before I had a repeating nightmare of losing you. I spent an hour crying the next night before bed, unable to shake a sense of foreboding that I was going to lose you before I was ready to. I thought it was silly of me; I'm grown now, I can't just call you in the middle of the night to make sure you aren't sick or in trouble because I had a bad dream. I can't curl up in bed and cuddle with you while you let me cry and tell me it's all okay, that you're fine.

Because you aren't. You aren't okay. And now, as an adult, I'm asking you to let me in and tell why you aren't okay.